A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man’s smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN’S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.
Also, I was working as a jailer one night before we had computers and I was taking everything by hand. We kept women for another county and they brought her and 5 others at 10 at night so I was in a hurry. (Our shift was over at 11 at night) I asked the gal if she had any tattoos. She said, "Just one," with a sheepish grin on her face. I stopped and asked her about the 1. She told me on her chest from her ( and I cleaned it up a whole bunch) boobs to her waist was the tattoo of a chandelier. (We were to take pictures of each tattoo which the others girls had on their wrist, arms, back and etc. I had been a long time doing the other girls) She was the last one I had to do but I couldn't let that go, I asked her, "Why a chandelier?" And her response was, "Everyone knows you EAT under the chandelier!" I didn't take a picture of that one!
Less than 80% correct and you have to go back to work.
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
And, my very favourite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!
A city friend visited his country cousin who is a farmer.
He noticed that one of the pigs is missing his hind leg, so he asks about it.
"Oh, the farmer said, here about a year and a half ago, that pig pulled one of the neighbor kids out of the water tank. That kid would have died if not for that pig".
"Wow, that's really something, but what about that missing leg?"
"Guess it was about a year ago, the house was on fire and we were all asleep. That pig got out of his pen and made so much noise clawing at the door that we woke up and we were able to get the fire out."
"That's quite a story, but you still haven't told me about that pigs missing hind leg."
"Oh, that, well here about 8 months ago, I was out plowing and the tractor hit a culvert and flipped over pinning me under one of those big tires. I'll be darned if that pig didn't hear me way out in the field and got out of his pen again and dug me out from under that tire and since my leg was broken, he dragged me all the way back to the house where things went pretty well after that.
"Gee, that's really something, but you still haven't told me about his missing leg."
"Oh that, well it just wouldn't be right eating a hog like that all at once."
"Ain't None of Them play like him (Bix Beiderbecke) Yet." Louis Armstrong
I am still laughing about the lady on the phone fishing that @hammer1 posted, who got a bite, became quite interested, stood up, but then dropped her phone in the water, broke her pole in half, threw her chair in the lake, and stormed off. I sure wish it had audio to go with it.
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value---zero."----Voltaire
"Everything you say should be true, but not everything true should be said."----Voltaire
Removed the Gooder guy, yikes, thanks, switched to this blond gem
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.
She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Comments
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
There is a need, but no inclination.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man’s smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused. When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN’S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself.
But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS ACCIDENT, I just lost it.
The case was dismissed.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Just heard this from a Jonah Goldberg podcast, quoting his mother:
"What's the difference between erotic and kinky?"
(I dunno. What?)
"In erotic, you use the feather. In kinky, you use the whole chicken."
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
This is a true story, I had this guy come into jail for a 10 day stay
Also, I was working as a jailer one night before we had computers and I was taking everything by hand. We kept women for another county and they brought her and 5 others at 10 at night so I was in a hurry. (Our shift was over at 11 at night) I asked the gal if she had any tattoos. She said, "Just one," with a sheepish grin on her face. I stopped and asked her about the 1. She told me on her chest from her ( and I cleaned it up a whole bunch) boobs to her waist was the tattoo of a chandelier. (We were to take pictures of each tattoo which the others girls had on their wrist, arms, back and etc. I had been a long time doing the other girls) She was the last one I had to do but I couldn't let that go, I asked her, "Why a chandelier?" And her response was, "Everyone knows you EAT under the chandelier!" I didn't take a picture of that one!
Cheers, RickO
WHy I Like Retirement!
Less than 80% correct and you have to go back to work.
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
And, my very favourite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!
I always tell people retirement's like going to Heaven without having to die.
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Great transactions with oih82w8, JasonGaming, Moose1913.
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
A city friend visited his country cousin who is a farmer.
He noticed that one of the pigs is missing his hind leg, so he asks about it.
"Oh, the farmer said, here about a year and a half ago, that pig pulled one of the neighbor kids out of the water tank. That kid would have died if not for that pig".
"Wow, that's really something, but what about that missing leg?"
"Guess it was about a year ago, the house was on fire and we were all asleep. That pig got out of his pen and made so much noise clawing at the door that we woke up and we were able to get the fire out."
"That's quite a story, but you still haven't told me about that pigs missing hind leg."
"Oh, that, well here about 8 months ago, I was out plowing and the tractor hit a culvert and flipped over pinning me under one of those big tires. I'll be darned if that pig didn't hear me way out in the field and got out of his pen again and dug me out from under that tire and since my leg was broken, he dragged me all the way back to the house where things went pretty well after that.
"Gee, that's really something, but you still haven't told me about his missing leg."
"Oh that, well it just wouldn't be right eating a hog like that all at once."
Louis Armstrong
"And they called it puppy love..." la, la
What ?
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Pete
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
The rare 1971-S $1 Reverse of 1879:
https://www.ebay.com/itm/1971-United-States-EISENHOWER-UNCIRCULATED-SILVER-DOLLAR-COIN/294107204762?hash=item447a27cc9a:g:wBwAAOSwP0ZgbNgr
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Half and Half I believe
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
I am still laughing about the lady on the phone fishing that @hammer1 posted, who got a bite, became quite interested, stood up, but then dropped her phone in the water, broke her pole in half, threw her chair in the lake, and stormed off. I sure wish it had audio to go with it.
My US Mint Commemorative Medal Set
Louis Armstrong
Shrinkage ?
I got a tiger in my coin.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Easy way to fix that. Did you get a soda?
A Bic lighter would be more fun. Just sayin'.
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value---zero."----Voltaire
"Everything you say should be true, but not everything true should be said."----Voltaire
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
peacockcoins
VersaDiaper - the video I help make back in the 1980's
Yes it is about Coin Collecting!
Removed the Gooder guy, yikes, thanks, switched to this blond gem
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.
She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"
"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...