Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it.
So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep.
The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.
"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"
William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"
And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."
Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.
"Who died on the cross for our sins?"
William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus "
Once again, she goes back to sleep.
This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
William pokes her again.
Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"
Two grandmas, Agnes and Esme, are meeting at a café.
They’re having a nice chat over cake and coffee when suddenly Agnes remarks, “Um, Esme, you seem to have a suppository in your left ear…”
Esme is surprised and fishes the suppository out of her ear, looks at it for a while and sighs, “Well I guess I know where to find my hearing aid then.”
Why did the blind man walk into the well?
He did not see that well.
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
Usual response: "R"
Yarr, ye'd think it be "R", but a true pirate's first love be the "C"
.....
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?...
Dear sir or madam,
Your IP address has been flagged or illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
Sincerely,
Your internet provider.
I just learned Einstein was a real person!
I always thought he was just a theoretical physicist.
Coins are Neato!
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone...somewhere...is making a penny." - Steven Wright
@CCGGG said:
If you were born before they stopped minting wheat cents, you'll get this joke. Afterwards, maybe not.
For those unoriented:
"TO THE MOON, ALICE!! TO THE MOON!!"
"BANG!! ZOOM!!"
This is from a very popular sitcom from the 1950's and early 1960's called "The Honeymooners." Jackie Gleason played Ralph Kramden who would get into fights with his wife and this was his standard line. Of course, they would always kiss and make up at the end of the show.
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value---zero."----Voltaire
"Everything you say should be true, but not everything true should be said."----Voltaire
A friend of mine, let’s call him Bob, thought his wife wasn’t hearing
as well as she used to. Thinking she might need a hearing aid, he
called their family doctor.
He told Bob there was a simple, informal test he could use to
give the doctor a better idea of the extent of her hearing loss.
“Stand about 40 feet away from her, and, in a normal,
conversational voice ask her something. If she doesn’t respond,
move to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, while his wife was fixing dinner, he went to the
den, about 40 feet away from the kitchen. In a normal tone of
voice he asked, “Honey, what's for dinner?”
No response.
He moved closer. Standing about 30 feet from his wife, he
repeated, “Honey, what's for dinner?”
No response.
So he moved into the dining room, about 20 feet from his wife,
and asked, “Honey, what's for dinner?”
Again, no response.
Standing at the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, “Honey,
what's for dinner?”
And again, no response.
So he walked right up behind his wife and said, “Honey, what's
for dinner?”
She replied, “For the fifth time: CHICKEN!”
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."
Comments
For those with a limited attention span...
Always borrow money from a pessimist.
He won't expect it back.
Mary can't stand Sunday school, but her brother William doesn't have a problem with it.
So one day in Sunday school, Mary thinks, "The hell with it," and decides to go to sleep.
The teacher sees this and asks Mary a question to keep her awake.
"Mary, who created the heavens and the earth?"
William, who is sitting behind Mary, pokes her in the butt with his pencil. Mary wakes up and shouts, "God almighty!"
And the teacher says, "Yes. That's correct, Mary."
Mary goes back to sleep and the teacher asks her another question.
"Who died on the cross for our sins?"
William pokes Mary again. She wakes up and shouts, "Jesus "
Once again, she goes back to sleep.
This time the teacher asks, "Mary, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
William pokes her again.
Mary wakes up and shouts, "If you don't stop poking me with that thing, I'm gonna break it off!"
US or worldwide?
.
.
oh, definitely world-wide!
that is one funny duck.
Ya, she's a looker.
Two grandmas, Agnes and Esme, are meeting at a café.
They’re having a nice chat over cake and coffee when suddenly Agnes remarks, “Um, Esme, you seem to have a suppository in your left ear…”
Esme is surprised and fishes the suppository out of her ear, looks at it for a while and sighs, “Well I guess I know where to find my hearing aid then.”
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Pete
Yep, lumber prices are really getting high...
Cheers, RickO
Why did the blind man walk into the well?
He did not see that well.
What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?
Usual response: "R"
Yarr, ye'd think it be "R", but a true pirate's first love be the "C"
.....
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?...
Dear sir or madam,
Your IP address has been flagged or illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
Sincerely,
Your internet provider.
I just learned Einstein was a real person!
I always thought he was just a theoretical physicist.
Coins are Neato!
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone...somewhere...is making a penny." - Steven Wright
Person's who take part in an organized attempt to influence. (FANS)
Please wear a hat, Coat tails are also recommended.
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.
Cheers, RickO
If you were born before they stopped minting wheat cents, you'll get this joke. Afterwards, maybe not.
this is about the most SFW version i can find of this. but in this world of digital approval/validation, it still rings true.
.
you sir, are correct.
So an all points bulletin has been issued for Ralph's where a bouts. Ralph is considered armed and dangerous.
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
For those unoriented:
"TO THE MOON, ALICE!! TO THE MOON!!"
"BANG!! ZOOM!!"
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Car 54 where are you ?
Ewe, ewe ! All points.
At a pit stop getting free air and a token cup of coffee.
This is from a very popular sitcom from the 1950's and early 1960's called "The Honeymooners." Jackie Gleason played Ralph Kramden who would get into fights with his wife and this was his standard line. Of course, they would always kiss and make up at the end of the show.
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value---zero."----Voltaire
"Everything you say should be true, but not everything true should be said."----Voltaire
@PerryHall.... Back when comedy was funny....Cheers, RickO
Halfway through with April already.
Time, and the seasons, march on.
I am so excited about Spring that I wet my plants!
It is currently snowing here in Ma. My plants are very slushy.
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Cheers, RickO
Donato
Donato's Complete US Type Set ---- Donato's Dansco 7070 Modified Type Set ---- Donato's Basic U.S. Coin Design Set
Successful transactions: Shrub68 (Jim), MWallace (Mike)
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
I was thinking Die Crack!!
A friend of mine, let’s call him Bob, thought his wife wasn’t hearing
as well as she used to. Thinking she might need a hearing aid, he
called their family doctor.
He told Bob there was a simple, informal test he could use to
give the doctor a better idea of the extent of her hearing loss.
“Stand about 40 feet away from her, and, in a normal,
conversational voice ask her something. If she doesn’t respond,
move to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, while his wife was fixing dinner, he went to the
den, about 40 feet away from the kitchen. In a normal tone of
voice he asked, “Honey, what's for dinner?”
No response.
He moved closer. Standing about 30 feet from his wife, he
repeated, “Honey, what's for dinner?”
No response.
So he moved into the dining room, about 20 feet from his wife,
and asked, “Honey, what's for dinner?”
Again, no response.
Standing at the kitchen door, about 10 feet away, “Honey,
what's for dinner?”
And again, no response.
So he walked right up behind his wife and said, “Honey, what's
for dinner?”
She replied, “For the fifth time: CHICKEN!”
Do you "Crack" it out and send to PCGS or just try to cross it over.
Lafayette Grading Set
No, I'm more of a split planchet guy!
Plumber?
Reminds me of this comedic piece on home improvement shows:
That reminds me, an assistant is what I need, coins just don't cut it.
Note: Barber shop soon.
Heavy pockets could be the issue.
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Housing is getting tough to find in the OC.
Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Accused: Hahahaha
Judge: I wasn't talking to you!
Cheers, RickO
A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
Cheers, RickO
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry? Put more men on the job."
Cheers, RickO
Here are some more actual headlines (this is why we want to keep print newspaper!):
PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE
MRS. RYDELL'S BUST UNVEILED AT NEARBY SCHOOL
PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER
NUNS DROP SUIT, BISHOPS AGREEE TO AID THEM
N.J. JUDGE TO RULE ON NUDE BEACH
CHILD'S STOOL GREAT FOR USE IN GARDENS
DR. RUTH TALKS ABOUT SEX WITH NEWSPAPER EDITORS
PASTOR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
STERILIZATION SOLVES PROBLEMS FOR PET OWNERS
BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE VICTIM
LAWYERS GIVE POOR FREE LEGAL ADVICE
SHOT OFF WOMAN'S LEG HELPS NICKLAUS TO 66
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
FUND SET UP FOR BEATING VICTIM'S KIN
2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...