“The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.” – Will Rogers
“If stupidity got us in this mess, how come it can’t get us out.” – Will Rogers
“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” – Will Rogers
“The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.” – Will Rogers
“The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.” – Will Rogers
“The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” – Will Rogers
“I am not a member of any organized political party — I am a Democrat.” – Will Rogers
“Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re actually paying for.” – Will Rogers
“There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.” – Will Rogers
“There is no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.” – Will Rogers
“Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it’s not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.”- Will Rogers
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Signs from Jolly Olde England
Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE
DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS
DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR)
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,
ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS
CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN
TOMORROW.
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE
DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS
Def posted this 1 year ago or did I..it's a gem every year.
Most people don’t know that in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to have been the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was lost forever.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Why Judges Get Crabby
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, taken down verbatim by court reporters!
Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A. I forget.
Q. You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you’ve forgotten?
Q. So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. And what were you doing at that time?
Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy
did you check for a pulse?
A. No.
Q, Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q. But, could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, and
practicing law somewhere.
Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there any girls?
A. Yes. *********************************
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July 15.
Q. What year?
A. Every year.
Q. What was the first thing your husband
said when he woke up that morning?
A. He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.
Q. Were you present when your picture was
taken?
A. Would you repeat the question?
It's always a dangerous thing to try to post a sign in a language other than your own. Nonetheless, hotels and other businesses try to cater to foreign travelers, including English-speakers. Here are some actual examples of the danger:
In a Bangkok dry cleaner: "Drop your trousers here for best results"
Outside a Paris dress shop: "Dresses for street walking"
From the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs"
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
On the menu of a Polish hotel: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion"
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, five together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose"
In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose"
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists"
From a Japanese information booklet about using the hotel air conditioner: "Cooles and Heates: if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
Two signs in a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking" "Here speeching American"
Comments
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
I call it ENTERTAINING YOURSELF.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the opossum that it could be done.
Pete
Cheers, RickO
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
U.S. Type Set
So I guess the Mummers are on call this year ?
Ya right !
Phillies won last night with a photo finish.
Check !
What ?
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Oh, yeah. Hurry and read this one today while it's still funny:
"May the 4th be with you!"
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Remember Will Rogers?
Will Rogers:
“The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.” – Will Rogers
“If stupidity got us in this mess, how come it can’t get us out.” – Will Rogers
“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” – Will Rogers
“The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.” – Will Rogers
“The more you observe politics, the more you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.” – Will Rogers
“The difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” – Will Rogers
“I am not a member of any organized political party — I am a Democrat.” – Will Rogers
“Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re actually paying for.” – Will Rogers
“There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.” – Will Rogers
“There is no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.” – Will Rogers
“Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it’s not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.”- Will Rogers
Back to the blonde jokes.....
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Signs from Jolly Olde England
Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE
DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS
DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR)
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,
ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS
CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN
TOMORROW.
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE
DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS
There ya go again, assuming . Did you not get the memo written on the Easy Rider, stuck on the cooler?
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Def posted this 1 year ago or did I..it's a gem every year.
Most people don’t know that in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to have been the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was lost forever.
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Why Judges Get Crabby
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, taken down verbatim by court reporters!
Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A. I forget.
Q. You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you’ve forgotten?
Q. So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. And what were you doing at that time?
Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy
did you check for a pulse?
A. No.
Q, Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q. But, could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive, and
practicing law somewhere.
Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there any girls?
A. Yes. *********************************
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July 15.
Q. What year?
A. Every year.
Q. What was the first thing your husband
said when he woke up that morning?
A. He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.
Q. Were you present when your picture was
taken?
A. Would you repeat the question?
Real life always trumps in spades.
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Coinsof1984@martinb6830 on twitter
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
It's always a dangerous thing to try to post a sign in a language other than your own. Nonetheless, hotels and other businesses try to cater to foreign travelers, including English-speakers. Here are some actual examples of the danger:
In a Bangkok dry cleaner: "Drop your trousers here for best results"
Outside a Paris dress shop: "Dresses for street walking"
From the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs"
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
On the menu of a Polish hotel: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion"
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, five together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose"
In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose"
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists"
From a Japanese information booklet about using the hotel air conditioner: "Cooles and Heates: if you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
Two signs in a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking" "Here speeching American"
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Wow...that is absofreakinglutely hideous. I wonder what's under that mess and more, what was done to that poor coin to create it?
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Going his way ?
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...