A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently, the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them," replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer.
"I sure did, that's how we won the case.... Good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.
"Ain't None of Them play like him (Bix Beiderbecke) Yet." Louis Armstrong
Dave and John go to a pastry shop.
Dave suddenly whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
He says to John, "See how clever I am? You'll never beat that!"
John replies, "Oh yeah? Watch this."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker hands him a cookie which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your magic trick?!"
John points at Dave and says: "Look in Dave’s pocket”.
A man goes in to a bar. He approaches the bartender.
"Hi mate. Listen, I don't have any cash on me at the moment, do you think you can spot me a pint?"
The bartender scoffs. "No chance mate, we're not here for that."
The man pauses for a moment, and then makes an offer. "What if I show you something that you've never seen before? If you've never seen it, all my drinks are on the house for the night."
"Pfft," the barman scoffs. "Yeah, alright. Let's see what you've got."
The man reaches in to his bag and pulls out a frog, and a tiny piano. He sets them on the bar, the frog hops over to the piano and starts to play a beautiful rendition of Mozart's Die Zauberflöte.
The barman is stunned. "Well, I'll be! You've got something there, I'll give you that. Fair enough mate, drinks are on me...but I want the frog and the piano. How about 1,000 for them?"
"I couldn't do that. The frog is my livelihood."
"How about 2,000?"
"Deal."
The man spends the entire night drinking, partying away, and stumbles home at closing time.
Fast forward a few days, and the same man returns. "Listen mate. For the sake of the joke, I've spent all the money you gave me and I'm strapped for money again. Any chance of spotting me for a pint?"
The barman says, "No, we already went through this. We're not a charity."
"Ahh, but what if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The barman is amused. "You came here last with a frog that plays a piano, I've seen it all! But go on then, what have you got?"
The man pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. It sits there, looking around and minding his own business.
"That's just a mouse! I've got enough mice to deal with, I don't need another one!"
The mouse pipes up. "Just a mouse?! I'll have you know I've been quite well educated, sir!"
The barman jumps back. "The mouse...the mouse just spoke! It's a talking mouse! Listen mate, all your drinks are on the house, but I've got to have the mouse as well! I will give you 3,000 for him!"
The man accepts the money, and continues his evening of free drinks. But as the night goes on, and the man gets more belligerent, he stumbles over to the bar to talk to the barman.
"Listen mate, here's you 3,000 back. I feel terrible about what I've done."
The barman scoffs. "Sorry mate, but a deal is a deal, and I've bought the mouse off you fair and square. I'm keeping him!"
The man says, "I don't care, just please take the money. It was all a trick! The mouse doesn't talk...the frog is a ventriloquist."
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”
The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”
The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”
An Irishman walks into a bar and ordered a beer and 3 straws. The patrons and the bartender wondered about the 3 straws and finally asked the gent what the 3 straws were all about.
"Well, one of me brothers is in England and the other is in the USA, so whenever we have a beer we use 3 straws to remember each other" came the reply.
Things went on for a couple of months with the 3 straws, but one day the gent asked for 2 straws.
The bartender finally approached the gent and said on behave of the patrons and himself that he was sorry for the loss of one of his brothers.
Came the reply, "Oh me brothers are all fine, it's just that I quite drinking."
"Ain't None of Them play like him (Bix Beiderbecke) Yet." Louis Armstrong
This cowboy walks into a bar.
His hat is made of brown wrapping paper.
His shirt and vest are made of waxed paper.
And his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper.
Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.
A man drove his new Mercedes convertible down the freeway going about 90 mph. With flashing lights in his rear mirror, he floored it all the way up to 120. Sense got the best of him & he pulled over. The cop said it was his last shift and if the man came up with a reasonable excuse, he'd forgo the ticket so he wouldn't have to write a report.
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were him trying to give her back".
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
@hammer1 said:
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
this version falls flat.
The parrot needs to be stammering uncontrollably toward the ending line.
Plus I know for a fact that parrot did not say "May I.."
A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it.
Hey there, he says. I bet I can make your horse talk.
Horses don't talk, says the farmer.
We'll see, says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, So how does your master treat you?
Pretty well, says the horse. He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.
I bet I can make the dog talk, too, says the ventriloquist.
Dog's don't talk, says the farmer.
How about you, the ventriloquist asks the dog. Is he good to you too?
Yup, says the dog. We play fetch all the time and he feeds me well.
Let's see what the sheep has to say, says the ventriloquist.
Wait, yells the farmer frantically, "That sheep is a fricken' liar!"
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber????
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
Comments
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
take a bow @ricko
“We are only their care-takers,” he posed, “if we take good care of them, then centuries from now they may still be here … ”
Todd - BHNC #242
DON'T TOUCH MY BONE!
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
There's one wherever you go.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Cheers, RickO
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!"
Confidently, the lawyer responded, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."
"But I did send them," replied the man.
"What?" shouted the lawyer.
"I sure did, that's how we won the case.... Good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff's business card."
A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.
Louis Armstrong
The above joke keeps showing up without my resending it. Sorry about that.
Louis Armstrong
At least it's a good joke!!! 😂
LOL - someone forgot to spellcheck...
https://www.ebay.com/itm/1991-Stuck-Off-Center-Penny-Error-for-TRUMP-SUPPORTERS-COLLECTORS/303777784787?hash=item46ba9123d3:g:N2YAAOSwI99flSLJ
Just wait till you see that one on Q&A Board!
Wall of HONOR transaction list:WonderCoin, CoinFlip, Masscrew, Travintiques, lordmarcovan, Jinx86, Gerard, ElKevvo
Has COVID-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
If so, you may be entitled to some condensation.
Dave and John go to a pastry shop.
Dave suddenly whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
He says to John, "See how clever I am? You'll never beat that!"
John replies, "Oh yeah? Watch this."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker hands him a cookie which he promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "And where is your magic trick?!"
John points at Dave and says: "Look in Dave’s pocket”.
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
A man goes in to a bar. He approaches the bartender.
"Hi mate. Listen, I don't have any cash on me at the moment, do you think you can spot me a pint?"
The bartender scoffs. "No chance mate, we're not here for that."
The man pauses for a moment, and then makes an offer. "What if I show you something that you've never seen before? If you've never seen it, all my drinks are on the house for the night."
"Pfft," the barman scoffs. "Yeah, alright. Let's see what you've got."
The man reaches in to his bag and pulls out a frog, and a tiny piano. He sets them on the bar, the frog hops over to the piano and starts to play a beautiful rendition of Mozart's Die Zauberflöte.
The barman is stunned. "Well, I'll be! You've got something there, I'll give you that. Fair enough mate, drinks are on me...but I want the frog and the piano. How about 1,000 for them?"
"I couldn't do that. The frog is my livelihood."
"How about 2,000?"
"Deal."
The man spends the entire night drinking, partying away, and stumbles home at closing time.
Fast forward a few days, and the same man returns. "Listen mate. For the sake of the joke, I've spent all the money you gave me and I'm strapped for money again. Any chance of spotting me for a pint?"
The barman says, "No, we already went through this. We're not a charity."
"Ahh, but what if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The barman is amused. "You came here last with a frog that plays a piano, I've seen it all! But go on then, what have you got?"
The man pulls out a mouse and sets it on the bar. It sits there, looking around and minding his own business.
"That's just a mouse! I've got enough mice to deal with, I don't need another one!"
The mouse pipes up. "Just a mouse?! I'll have you know I've been quite well educated, sir!"
The barman jumps back. "The mouse...the mouse just spoke! It's a talking mouse! Listen mate, all your drinks are on the house, but I've got to have the mouse as well! I will give you 3,000 for him!"
The man accepts the money, and continues his evening of free drinks. But as the night goes on, and the man gets more belligerent, he stumbles over to the bar to talk to the barman.
"Listen mate, here's you 3,000 back. I feel terrible about what I've done."
The barman scoffs. "Sorry mate, but a deal is a deal, and I've bought the mouse off you fair and square. I'm keeping him!"
The man says, "I don't care, just please take the money. It was all a trick! The mouse doesn't talk...the frog is a ventriloquist."
Cheers, RickO
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
The past, present, and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
A noun walks into a bar.
A verb comes over and asks: "Mind if I sit with you?"
The noun asks: "Are you prepositioning me?"
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”
The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”
The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
An Irishman walks into a bar and ordered a beer and 3 straws. The patrons and the bartender wondered about the 3 straws and finally asked the gent what the 3 straws were all about.
"Well, one of me brothers is in England and the other is in the USA, so whenever we have a beer we use 3 straws to remember each other" came the reply.
Things went on for a couple of months with the 3 straws, but one day the gent asked for 2 straws.
The bartender finally approached the gent and said on behave of the patrons and himself that he was sorry for the loss of one of his brothers.
Came the reply, "Oh me brothers are all fine, it's just that I quite drinking."
Louis Armstrong
This cowboy walks into a bar.
His hat is made of brown wrapping paper.
His shirt and vest are made of waxed paper.
And his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper.
Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
The humor is in the thread a few up! 😮 down now that I replied!
It's a Field Mouse. Maybe he thinks he's a Flying Squirrel .
Lafayette Grading Set
Here're a few good ones from the New Yorker:
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
A man drove his new Mercedes convertible down the freeway going about 90 mph. With flashing lights in his rear mirror, he floored it all the way up to 120. Sense got the best of him & he pulled over. The cop said it was his last shift and if the man came up with a reasonable excuse, he'd forgo the ticket so he wouldn't have to write a report.
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were him trying to give her back".
The cop waved goodbye as he drove off.
peacockcoins
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
HAPPY THANNKSGIVING TO @hammer1 and all the contributors!
this version falls flat.
The parrot needs to be stammering uncontrollably toward the ending line.
Plus I know for a fact that parrot did not say "May I.."
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
U.S. Type Set
Maybe a re-post but still funny:
A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it.
Hey there, he says. I bet I can make your horse talk.
Horses don't talk, says the farmer.
We'll see, says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, So how does your master treat you?
Pretty well, says the horse. He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.
I bet I can make the dog talk, too, says the ventriloquist.
Dog's don't talk, says the farmer.
How about you, the ventriloquist asks the dog. Is he good to you too?
Yup, says the dog. We play fetch all the time and he feeds me well.
Let's see what the sheep has to say, says the ventriloquist.
Wait, yells the farmer frantically, "That sheep is a fricken' liar!"
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber????
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Bear breaks into house, opens fridge as homeowners are asleep
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
The creepiest thing about old people is that I am one.