A guy goes into a fish market and says I want to buy some meat. The clerk says this is a fish market. He says but I want meat. The clerk replies the store that is out of meat is across the street.
A lawyer dies and somehow ends up in heaven. St. Peter greats him and tells him that a huge parade is being thrown in his honor with multiple marching bands, Angels flying about, floats, beautiful women smiling and waving, and plenty of balloons. After the parade there will be a huge banquet in his honor.
He asks St. Peter, "Why the big celebration? After all I'm a lawyer. I thought I would end up in Hell."
St. Peter tells him that he is the oldest person to ever make it to heaven. He is even older than all those old testament persons who lived for hundreds of years. The lawyer, not wanting to risk being booted out of heaven, says that to be honest he is only 68 years old.
St. Peter replies, "Don't be so modest. Remember we have the record for your entire life and we have reviewed every detail. Anybody with your billable hours must be well over 1000 years old."
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly...
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her feet.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra..."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
I don’t mean to be a grinch however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
The guy is in a cubicle of a changing room at the airport. He sees a slit in the wall almost waist high with a sign saying, "Your home away from home, one dollar." He puts in a dollar, unzips and puts it in. A minute later, he pulls it out...and there's a button sewn on the end of it.
This may have been posted before... did not have the time to go back through the pages...Cheers, RickO
It’s the Spring of 1957, a Sailor goes to pick up his date.
When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in and says...
“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?.”
“That’s cool” says the Sailor.
Carrie’s father asks the Sailor what they’re planning to do.
The Sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds...
“Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young Sailor, so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.
“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Well, this just made the Sailor’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, the young Sailor escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:..
” DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
Driving the other day, I stopped to pickup a hitchhiker by the
side of the road. As he got in, he seemed nice enough.
Then, after driving together for a few miles, he asked me if I
wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer.
I thought for a moment, then commented that I figured the odds
were pretty small there would be two serial killers in the same car.
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.
Cheers, RickO
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the husband went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs he had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the husband to stand, she embraced and kissed him long and passionately as his wife watched with a raised eyebrow.
The man shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the wife and said, 'this is what your husband needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' she said, 'I can drop him off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I have a book club.'
"Ain't None of Them play like him (Bix Beiderbecke) Yet." Louis Armstrong
Comments
Pete
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
@1630Boston....Actually, that is a Taser pointed at the cat....but funny...Cheers, RickO
I think it is a type k infrared thermometer @ricko
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
@1630Boston .... Looking closer, I believe you are right, I see the screen at the back. Sure looks like my Taser though, same colors. Cheers, RickO
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Sharing a personal gripe this morning, the number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is just two damn high.
You shouldn't of said "two" there.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
I'm proud of my children
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Old joke from the USSR:
A guy goes into a fish market and says I want to buy some meat. The clerk says this is a fish market. He says but I want meat. The clerk replies the store that is out of meat is across the street.
Lafayette Grading Set
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
I an retiring because of it!
(The last sentence, that is!
)
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:
Dad always said laughter was the best medicine, which is probably why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Their their.... calm down there probably just unejukated.
A lawyer dies and somehow ends up in heaven. St. Peter greats him and tells him that a huge parade is being thrown in his honor with multiple marching bands, Angels flying about, floats, beautiful women smiling and waving, and plenty of balloons. After the parade there will be a huge banquet in his honor.
He asks St. Peter, "Why the big celebration? After all I'm a lawyer. I thought I would end up in Hell."
St. Peter tells him that he is the oldest person to ever make it to heaven. He is even older than all those old testament persons who lived for hundreds of years. The lawyer, not wanting to risk being booted out of heaven, says that to be honest he is only 68 years old.
St. Peter replies, "Don't be so modest. Remember we have the record for your entire life and we have reviewed every detail. Anybody with your billable hours must be well over 1000 years old."
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly...
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her feet.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra..."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Cheers, RickO
I don’t mean to be a grinch however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
The guy is in a cubicle of a changing room at the airport. He sees a slit in the wall almost waist high with a sign saying, "Your home away from home, one dollar." He puts in a dollar, unzips and puts it in. A minute later, he pulls it out...and there's a button sewn on the end of it.
This may have been posted before... did not have the time to go back through the pages...Cheers, RickO
It’s the Spring of 1957, a Sailor goes to pick up his date.
When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in and says...
“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?.”
“That’s cool” says the Sailor.
Carrie’s father asks the Sailor what they’re planning to do.
The Sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds...
“Why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young Sailor, so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.
“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Well, this just made the Sailor’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, the young Sailor escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:..
” DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”
2000 IBM Annual Shareholders Report (I was a shareholder back then and kept this report).
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Driving the other day, I stopped to pickup a hitchhiker by the
side of the road. As he got in, he seemed nice enough.
Then, after driving together for a few miles, he asked me if I
wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer.
I thought for a moment, then commented that I figured the odds
were pretty small there would be two serial killers in the same car.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
**IF 2020 WAS A DRINK,
WHAT WOULD IT BE??
COLONOSCOPY PREP!!!**
Cheers, RickO
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"
The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.
The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.
Cheers, RickO
Pete
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the husband went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs he had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the husband to stand, she embraced and kissed him long and passionately as his wife watched with a raised eyebrow.
The man shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the wife and said, 'this is what your husband needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' she said, 'I can drop him off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays I have a book club.'
Louis Armstrong