A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
@hammer1 said:
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
this version falls flat.
The parrot needs to be stammering uncontrollably toward the ending line.
Plus I know for a fact that parrot did not say "May I.."
A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it.
Hey there, he says. I bet I can make your horse talk.
Horses don't talk, says the farmer.
We'll see, says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, So how does your master treat you?
Pretty well, says the horse. He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.
I bet I can make the dog talk, too, says the ventriloquist.
Dog's don't talk, says the farmer.
How about you, the ventriloquist asks the dog. Is he good to you too?
Yup, says the dog. We play fetch all the time and he feeds me well.
Let's see what the sheep has to say, says the ventriloquist.
Wait, yells the farmer frantically, "That sheep is a fricken' liar!"
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber????
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Hey so heads up... I wasn’t allowed to say anything before today, but now it’s ok for me to share. A little nervous, but on Sunday I volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19. I wanted to get it done before Thanksgiving. The vaccine is one that was created by Pfizer and developed in Russia. I received my first shot yesterday around 7 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.
The bitterness of "Poor Quality" is remembered long after the sweetness of low price is forgotten.
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@Onastone said:
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I bet one of the dogs is named "Muffins".
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value---zero."----Voltaire
"Everything you say should be true, but not everything true should be said."----Voltaire
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"I’m fixin to blow it up": Bathroom warning mistaken for bomb threat"
WICHITA, Kan. (KWCH) — A report of a bomb threat at a Home Depot store in Kansas turned out to be a big misunderstanding.
Someone at the store in Wichita called 911 after a customer reported they had overheard the threat in the store’s restroom.
“We just had a customer here made what may have been a bomb threat,” said the caller. “He said, uh, somebody told me there’s a bomb in here and you need to leave the building. He said it three times.”
Police did some investigating and learned the “bomb threat” came from a man in a bathroom stall warning others about the severity of his need to use the restroom, CBS affiliate KWCH reported.
“You all need to get out of here because I’m fixin’ to blow it up,” he was heard to say.
One witness said he laughed at the remark and took it as a joke.
Comments
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING
HAPPY THANNKSGIVING TO @hammer1 and all the contributors!
this version falls flat.
The parrot needs to be stammering uncontrollably toward the ending line.
Plus I know for a fact that parrot did not say "May I.."
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I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
U.S. Type Set
Maybe a re-post but still funny:
A ventriloquist's car breaks down near a farm and he decides to have a little fun with the redneck farmer that owned it.
Hey there, he says. I bet I can make your horse talk.
Horses don't talk, says the farmer.
We'll see, says the ventriloquist. He turns to the horse and asks, So how does your master treat you?
Pretty well, says the horse. He gives me plenty of food and water, and he lets me run all over.
I bet I can make the dog talk, too, says the ventriloquist.
Dog's don't talk, says the farmer.
How about you, the ventriloquist asks the dog. Is he good to you too?
Yup, says the dog. We play fetch all the time and he feeds me well.
Let's see what the sheep has to say, says the ventriloquist.
Wait, yells the farmer frantically, "That sheep is a fricken' liar!"
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber????
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Bear breaks into house, opens fridge as homeowners are asleep
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
The creepiest thing about old people is that I am one.
So you're a creepy old man?
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Just a little bit.
Beware of the shadow!
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Death Row in Women's Prison
Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!"
And the blonde yells,!!!" "FIRE
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
A turkey walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What are you?"
The turkey replies, "I’m a wild turkey."
The bartender chuckles and replies, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."
The wild turkey, incredulous, asks, "You have a drink named Kevin?!"
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Pete
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
It's not a drink. It's a brand of liquor.
I've seen it 3 times in this thread alone.
That jokes older than topstuff.
Hey so heads up... I wasn’t allowed to say anything before today, but now it’s ok for me to share. A little nervous, but on Sunday I volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19. I wanted to get it done before Thanksgiving. The vaccine is one that was created by Pfizer and developed in Russia. I received my first shot yesterday around 7 pm, and I wanted to let you all know that it’s completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Don't you just hate it when they nail you on the shipping...
https://www.ebay.com/itm/1978-Jeff-Nickel-broadstruck-MINT-ERROR-ERROR/184553556895?hash=item2af83fcb9f:g:wkAAAOSwjQRfqC3D
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Thank you. When @Onastone posted the above in another thread I just laughed!!
I bet one of the dogs is named "Muffins".
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value---zero."----Voltaire
"Everything you say should be true, but not everything true should be said."----Voltaire
Yeah, the center one!
The toilet is smoking!!!! The toilet is smoking!!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
He ain't going to be smiling later.
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"I’m fixin to blow it up": Bathroom warning mistaken for bomb threat"
WICHITA, Kan. (KWCH) — A report of a bomb threat at a Home Depot store in Kansas turned out to be a big misunderstanding.
Someone at the store in Wichita called 911 after a customer reported they had overheard the threat in the store’s restroom.
“We just had a customer here made what may have been a bomb threat,” said the caller. “He said, uh, somebody told me there’s a bomb in here and you need to leave the building. He said it three times.”
Police did some investigating and learned the “bomb threat” came from a man in a bathroom stall warning others about the severity of his need to use the restroom, CBS affiliate KWCH reported.
“You all need to get out of here because I’m fixin’ to blow it up,” he was heard to say.
One witness said he laughed at the remark and took it as a joke.
https://dfw.cbslocal.com/2019/02/14/im-fixin-to-blow-it-up-bathroom-warning-mistaken-for-bomb-threat-at-home-depot/
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How do you know it's a He?
Because there's no doily thing on top or air fresheners.
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Carrots on the table anyone?
Happy Thanksgiving
Pete
Happy Thanksgiving