The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!!
I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”
That's not a bad thing at all: it saves us from having to plow through 40+ pages.
I do submit, though, that while we're waiting for states to check in tomorrow night, you ought to crack a beer or a diet coke, and go through this thread from the beginning. There's smoe great stuff there!
There was a man that went to his girlfriend's house for supper the first time. He met the parents and he was REALLY nervous the first time. He sat down for supper and his stomach was a mess being nervous and the broccoli casserole didn't help. The boyfriend was feeling very gassy at the moment and he squeezed out the littlest he could but it popped and everyone heard it. The dog was laying next to the boyfriend when he done this and the father said "Duke"! Well the boyfriend was feeling pretty good since the father blamed the dog and he let out an even bigger one that everyone heard and the father said "Duke"! The boyfriend was feeling pretty good by now and a few minutes went by and he was feeling gassy again. He let out an even bigger one that boomed real good and smelled like someone had ran over a skunk! The father said "Duke, I'm telling you to move, that man is going to poop on you!"
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, while holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label on pill box to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little devil's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for ASPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch, “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said: “Actually, I made up the previous statement, but you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look....but your client didn’t”.
Comments
Lafayette Grading Set
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Before we got married, my wife was 'mad about me'; now she is usually 'mad at me'
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The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!!
I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”
Cheers, RickO
We're starting to see repeats of the good jokes.
That's not a bad thing at all: it saves us from having to plow through 40+ pages.
I do submit, though, that while we're waiting for states to check in tomorrow night, you ought to crack a beer or a diet coke, and go through this thread from the beginning. There's smoe great stuff there!
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
There was a man that went to his girlfriend's house for supper the first time. He met the parents and he was REALLY nervous the first time. He sat down for supper and his stomach was a mess being nervous and the broccoli casserole didn't help. The boyfriend was feeling very gassy at the moment and he squeezed out the littlest he could but it popped and everyone heard it. The dog was laying next to the boyfriend when he done this and the father said "Duke"! Well the boyfriend was feeling pretty good since the father blamed the dog and he let out an even bigger one that everyone heard and the father said "Duke"! The boyfriend was feeling pretty good by now and a few minutes went by and he was feeling gassy again. He let out an even bigger one that boomed real good and smelled like someone had ran over a skunk! The father said "Duke, I'm telling you to move, that man is going to poop on you!"
ELECTION DAY JOKES:
2:
It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns.
Last time I voted for a real estate agent.
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Personally, I don't see a problem with that!
I love the look on the wifes face.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
What is this? Change from McDonalds?
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Just an off center cent amongst some change.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
I seen that, just wondering.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, while holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label on pill box to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little devil's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for ASPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in the Bologna.
@BJandTundra that is some FUNNY stuff!!! 😂
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch, “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said: “Actually, I made up the previous statement, but you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door.”
The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look....but your client didn’t”.
I was going to flag this as inappropriate. Just sayin'.
Thats the way some of the county and state works around here!
That’s the way all government works everywhere.
Yep! :
Lest we forget they're modeled after major corporations.
Dave
And the results would have been totally inedible regardless of the outcome.
I had to read every one to make sure they were all birds.
Thanks for the laughs!
100% Positive BST transactions
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
@IkesT
"This is priceless...." that message belongs in here!
Mary: Knock, knock.
Heidi: Who's there?
M: Lil ole lady.
H: Lil ole lady who? ♫ ♫ ♫
M: Oh, I didn't know you could yodel?
- Jim
Does this apply to CV19?
Shouldn’t they be wearing masks?
Yep! 😜
I went to the doctor recently. He told me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
Me: You mean like bacon or burgers?
Doc: No fatty. Don’t eat anything!
Is it safe?
The Mysterious Egyptian Magic Coin
Coins in Movies
Coins on Television
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO