I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.
"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."
"And did you mail it?"
"No, she forgot to give me the letter."
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
Different Views (Second Edition)…(From Steven Wright, famous scientist)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The colder the xray table, the longer you’re required to be on it.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
What happens if you get half scared to death twice?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Half the people you know are below average.
Everyone has a photographic memory; most just don’t have film.
And a few newspaper headlines of note:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Eye Drops of Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
This may have been posted before.... but it is funny... Cheers, RickO
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
@ricko said:
This may have been posted before.... but it is funny... Cheers, RickO
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
I used to work for the DEA. That joke pretty much sums up their mentality to a T.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
Kids were in class with a teacher. Teacher asked the students "What does a chicken give you?" One of the students answered, " Eggs". The teacher said, "That's correct". The teacher asked, " What about a pig?" Another student says, "Bacon". That's correct! The teacher says, "Now how about a cow?" Little Johnny in the back yells out, "Home work!"
I recall somebody requesting Science jokes a few pages back (Even if they didn't, you're getting some anyway)
What do you get when you cross a chicken with an octopus. Nothing, they have a different number of chromosomes
A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here. The Higgs Boson says, “But without me, how can you have mass?”
My favorite frequency is 50,000 Hz. You’ve probably never heard it before.
Why did the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar.
If something is Gneiss, don’t take it for Granite
(That was for the geologists)
I don’t crack under pressure, I studied materials science.
(I actually have a degree in Materials Science. Do you know how hard it is to find jokes about them without having to lower yourself to the Chemistry level?)
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
I am a scientist, and I groaned. Speaking as a chemist, who also has training in Materials Science (whatever that means--looks like chemistry and physics to me), I thick Oldhoopster is all cracked up.
Member: EAC, NBS, C4, CWTS, ANA
RMR: 'Wer, wenn ich schriee, hörte mich denn aus der Engel Ordnungen?'
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today
Comments
The Department of Health is looking to hire couples who have been married for seven years or more to educate people on social distancing.
That was your best one RickO!
Smitten with DBLCs.
Couple phrases I came up with. 1)Marriage is the first step toward divorce. 2)I may be crazy, but I know what I'm talking about.
Three girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night.
So I agreed to let them walk along with me.
As we walked along, I whispered to them, “I understand, I used to get freaked out too, when I was alive.”
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows!
He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt.
As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager.
My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.
Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet, and grandpa is too.
This?
Welcome to the thread, these two were on page 4 or page 22... if I recall 😄🤪
"On second thought, don't take me to your leader!"
The Mysterious Egyptian Magic Coin
Coins in Movies
Coins on Television
"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."
"And did you mail it?"
"No, she forgot to give me the letter."
Cheers, RickO
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?" No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Cheers, RickO
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
Cheers, RickO
If you never sell any of your coins are you coinstipated.
Different Views (Second Edition)…(From Steven Wright, famous scientist)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
The colder the xray table, the longer you’re required to be on it.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
What happens if you get half scared to death twice?
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Half the people you know are below average.
Everyone has a photographic memory; most just don’t have film.
And a few newspaper headlines of note:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Eye Drops of Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, what's the word on the street?
When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, "O MG!"
U.S. Type Set
This may have been posted before.... but it is funny... Cheers, RickO
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”
I used to work for the DEA. That joke pretty much sums up their mentality to a T.
Holy s*** @Outhaul those cartoons are hilarious! Thank you for this gift
Amat Colligendo Focum
Top 10 • FOR SALE
Two chemists walked into a bar. The first chemist said, "I'll have an H20". The second chemist said, "I'll have an H20 too". The second chemist died.
Smitten with DBLCs.
Hold off until I buy some CU stock.
Already started losing them! Now what is it I'm losing?
Did anyone hear about the blonde coin collector ?
She only only collected 2 cent, 3 cent & 20 cent pieces.
She had NO common cents.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."
Cheers, RickO
When your wife is passive aggressive.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
My wife won't say a word until she has her first cup of coffee...so, I hid the coffee.
Stephen Wright
BST transactions: dbldie55, jayPem, 78saen, UltraHighRelief, nibanny, liefgold, FallGuy, lkeigwin, mbogoman, Sandman70gt, keets, joeykoins, ianrussell (@GC), EagleEye, ThePennyLady, GRANDAM, Ilikecolor, Gluggo, okiedude, Voyageur, LJenkins11, fastfreddie, ms70, pursuitofliberty, ZoidMeister,Coin Finder, GotTheBug, edwardjulio, Coinnmore...
Sometimes news headlines will help:
"Military Still Doesn't Have a Solution for Sky-High Cost of Moving Pets to New Duty Stations"
Some airplane companies will not ship dogs or cats weighing over 50 pounds.
One solution proposed is to suggest that service men and women keep smaller pets.
Recently a top civilian official appeared on national television with his pet fly, named "Delambre".
The Mysterious Egyptian Magic Coin
Coins in Movies
Coins on Television
I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart while they’ve probably never even seen one of her paintings.
Okay, which one of you jokers bid on this?
https://www.ebay.com/itm/1979-Susan-B-Anthony-wide-Rim-1-Ungraded-Dollar-Coin-/303722080853?hash=item46b73f2a55:g:vPEAAOSwUyZfcERj&nma=true&si=RDiKOrDQWzftkqBC1fERBIgRKVg%3D&orig_cvip=true&nordt=true&rt=nc&_trksid=p2047675.l2557
Kids were in class with a teacher. Teacher asked the students "What does a chicken give you?" One of the students answered, " Eggs". The teacher said, "That's correct". The teacher asked, " What about a pig?" Another student says, "Bacon". That's correct! The teacher says, "Now how about a cow?" Little Johnny in the back yells out, "Home work!"
I recall somebody requesting Science jokes a few pages back (Even if they didn't, you're getting some anyway)
What do you get when you cross a chicken with an octopus. Nothing, they have a different number of chromosomes
A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here. The Higgs Boson says, “But without me, how can you have mass?”
My favorite frequency is 50,000 Hz. You’ve probably never heard it before.
Why did the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar.
If something is Gneiss, don’t take it for Granite
(That was for the geologists)
I don’t crack under pressure, I studied materials science.
(I actually have a degree in Materials Science. Do you know how hard it is to find jokes about them without having to lower yourself to the Chemistry level?)
A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.
To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.
"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no.
"Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no.
"Twice a week?"
"No."
"Twice a month?"
"No."
The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year."
The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What are you so happy about?"
The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
Cheers, RickO
I am a scientist, and I groaned. Speaking as a chemist, who also has training in Materials Science (whatever that means--looks like chemistry and physics to me), I thick Oldhoopster is all cracked up.
RMR: 'Wer, wenn ich schriee, hörte mich denn aus der Engel Ordnungen?'
CJ: 'No one!' [Ain't no angels in the coin biz]
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room.... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses....... The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly... He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today
My boy sleeping with his favorite toy
If you want to get laid, go to college,
If you want an education, go to the library.
Frank Zappa