The forum needs a little humor.

thefinn

Why don't the French eat two eggs for breakfast?

Because one egg is 'un oeuf'.

marcmoish

I really like this one, not sure if it was posted already, if it was please pardon me.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde a added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

dpoole

hammer1

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said, "I don't think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?", asked Grandpa.
"$20.00 a pill", answered the son.
"I don't care", said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow."
The next morning the son found $120.00 under his pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $20.00, not $120.00."
"I know," said Grandpa, "The extra $100.00 is from Grandma."

logger7

WC Fields: "Life is easier to take than you'd think. All that's necessary is to accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable, worship the contemptible, laugh over the mirthless, and screw the inscrutable".

Whenever Mark Twain opened one of his wife's letters he wrote on it: "Opened by mistake to see what's in it."

WC Fields to a boy writing dirty words on a back fence: "Pure waste of talent, young man, pure waste. Save them for a novel."

dpoole

habaraca

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

bearcave

A man went to see a lawyer and told him this, "I need to sue my neighbor for the $500 he owes me and will not pay." The lawyer wanted to know what proof the man had that the neighbor owes this money. The man said "No proof." The lawyer told him to write a demand letter for $5000. The man stated "He owes me $500 only". The lawyer stated " The neighbor will reply that way, "That he only owes $500! The lawyer stated, "Then you will have your proof."

habaraca

ricko

Cheers, RickO

DNADave

I want to use this on a number of posts, including some of my own.

bearcave

A woman wakes up in bed from a dream and states to her husband, "I just had a dream that you gave me a diamond necklace, what does that mean?" The man replied, "Wait till tonight and we will see." The husband came back that night with a wrapped box in his hands. The wife took it ripped the wrapping off and opened the box,.....Just to find in it a book titled "How to Interpret Dreams"!

hammer1

A young man saw and elderly couple eating lunch at McDonald's. They ordered 1 meal and an extra cup, and carefully divided the burger in half, counted out half the fries, and poured half the drink in the empty cup. Placing half in front of his wife, the man sat down & started to eat. The young man went over and offered to buy them another meal so they each could have one.
The old man said, "oh no, we've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been shared 50/50." The young man asked the woman if she was going to eat. She replied, "not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

ms70

@hammer1 said:
A young man saw and elderly couple eating lunch at McDonald's. They ordered 1 meal and an extra cup, and carefully divided the burger in half, counted out half the fries, and poured half the drink in the empty cup. Placing half in front of his wife, the man sat down & started to eat. The young man went over and offered to buy them another meal so they each could have one.
The old man said, "oh no, we've been married for 50 years, and everything has always been shared 50/50." The young man asked the woman if she was going to eat. She replied, "not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."

That's beyond the limit of good taste.

bearcave

Play on words? 😮

@ms70 said:
That's beyond the limit of good taste.

Dave99B

Dave

bearcave

A man and wife were in a bar one night and the lady said to the man, "Look at that guy, he's drunk and hitting on every woman in the bar." The man looked and stated, "You know him, right?" She stated "Yes, about 5 years ago I used to date him" The man stated, "5 years ago and the man is still celebrating!"

ricko

THE BEST SON!
Three older ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.
Margaret said”-
“Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie” says Gertrude…
“But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.”
“WELL!” Says Barbara…
“I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile...
“I’ll tell you who he speaks about...
ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”

Cheers, RickO

marcmoish

My wife wanted a car, I wanted a truck.
We settled half way.
Follow me for more solid marriage tips.

WillieBoyd2

Good news:
Space Force officer tests negative for COVID-19.

Bad news:
"Jim, this man is a Klingon"

ricko

Cheers, RickO

ricko

Cheers, RickO

dpoole

CCGGG

Mom's Bible:

Four brothers all became very successful business men and lived across the country from each other.

They all met to discuss the 95th birthday party and gifts they were to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "You know I have had a big house built for Mom."

The second said, "And I had a large theater room built into that house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mom loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this Minister who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten Ministers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mom only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mom sent out her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: "Michael, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thank you anyway."

"Mervin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thank you."

"Mark, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm almost blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Mitchell, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The Cornish hen was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mom

ajaan

@WillieBoyd2 said:
Good news:
Space Force officer tests negative for COVID-19.

Bad news:
"Jim, this man is a Klingon"

CCGGG

marcmoish

Two monsters went to a Halloween party.

Suddenly, one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman, and roll them back to her.”

WillieBoyd2

From the news:

Leopard mauls Florida man who paid $150 to have "full contact experience"

bearcave

A man went to a bar and ordered a drink, he drunk it down and looked in his pocket, then ordered another drink. After seeing him do this several times the bartender had enough and asked what he was doing. The man said "Everytime I look in my pocket I look at a picture of my wife, when she gets to be good lookin', I'll go home."

marcmoish

Wife harassing me endlessly for a set of wheels, now says I'm damn cheap and feels like she's in the stone age.

Message received and delivered.

logger7

Here's a set of exercises you can all do. No sweat!
Beating around the bush
Jumping to conclusions
Dragging your heels
Passing the buck
Throwing your weight around
Pushing your luck
Bending over backwards

1630Boston

hammer1

That'll clean out the old sinuses, and everything else.

ms70

@marcmoish said:
Wife harassing me endlessly for a set of wheels, now says I'm damn cheap and feels like she's in the stone age.

Message received and delivered.

When I was a kid I understood how the propulsion worked, but I always wanted to know how the steering worked.

ricko

David had been extremely anxious for years. It got to the point where his compulsive worrying was ruining his life, so he went to a psychiatrist, who recommended that David hire a professional worrier.
After he'd been working with the specialist for a few months, David's friend John noticed a change. "What happened?" John asked. "You don't worry about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier!" David answered.
"That must cost a fortune," John said.
"Yes, he charges $3,000 a month," David said sheepishly.
"Three thousand dollars! How can you ever afford to pay him?" John exclaimed.
"I don't know," David said. "That's his problem."

Cheers, RickO

Rollerman

A guy saved for 10 years to buy a new Mercedes Benz. When the day came to receive his new car he drove away proudly.
While stopped at a light on the edge of town, a kid pulled up next to him on a gas powered scooter. The proud owner opened his window to hear the kid say, "Beautiful car, can I look inside, I love the smell of a new car?" The owner gave permission with the caution to be careful.
Then the light changed and the driver said, "Hey kid, I gotta go!" He then stepped hard on the gas as if to show off for the kid.
As he sped away, he saw the kid chasing him with the scooter and actually passing him! Up ahead, he turned the scooter around and sped past him going the opposite direction, he turned around again and started to chase the car again. But, this time he didn't get past and rammed into the trunk of the Mercedes.
The proud owner stopped as soon as he could and jumped out asking the kid if he was alright and what he could do to help the youngster. The kid said, "I think I'm alright, but you can help by unhooking my suspenders from your door handle!"

CCGGG

COVID-19 Items & Quotes

You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people homeschooled by day drinkers.

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands

Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.

Here's an idea: First, test the Covid vaccine on politicians. If they survive, the vaccine is safe. If they don't, the country is safe!

Masks are the new bra. They’re uncomfortable. You only wear them in public. And when you don’t wear one, everyone notices

I got pulled over in the HOV lane for driving alone. I said that due to social distancing, my passenger was in the car behind me

Had I known in March it would be the last time I would be in a restaurant, I would have ordered the dessert

If you want to save money at Christmas, now’s the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic.

So for season 2 - I mean the second wave. Can we switch quarantine partners, or are we stuck with the same ones from season 1.

Breaking news: swimming pools are reopened, but to the continued social distancing regulations, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3 and 5.

Fake News flash: Sticking your tongue on an outdoor bug zapper will cure the virus.

CCGGG

CCGGG

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, maybe your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer leans down, looks over at the woman, and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

marcmoish

On the outskirts of a small Wisconsin town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy.
Several of the nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

As they were dividing the nuts, another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me.”
In an instant he just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and raced to find someone to tell about what he had heard.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard!
The devil and God are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”

The man snapped back, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.”
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling me the truth. Let’s see if we can see God.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of God.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all… Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done!”

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid finally passed him on his bike.

RonB

marcmoish

@ms70 said:

@marcmoish said:
Wife harassing me endlessly for a set of wheels, now says I'm damn cheap and feels like she's in the stone age.

Message received and delivered.

When I was a kid I understood how the propulsion worked, but I always wanted to know how the steering worked.

all I know is I did not pay for power steering.

ricko

Cheers, RickO

PipestonePete

CCGGG

A lady gets pulled over by an Officer for speeding
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?

Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Lady: I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers, please?

Lady: I can't to that.

Officer: Why not?

Lady: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Lady: Yes, and I killed the owner.

Officer: What???

Lady: His body is in the trunk.

The Officer calls for backup and the 2nd Officer arrives.

2nd Officer: Ma'am could you step out of the vehicle, please?

Lady: Is there a problem here Sir?

2nd Officer: One of my Officers told me that you stole that car and killed the owner.

Lady: Murdered the owner?!

2nd Officer: Yes could you please open the trunk? Is this your car?

Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

2nd Officer: My Officer claims you don't have a license.

Lady: Well, here it is.

2nd Officer: I don't understand. My Officer said you don't have a license, stole this car and murdered the owner.

Lady: I bet that liar told you I was speeding, too!

thisnamztaken

A farmer has a fox, a goose, and several ears of corn he needs to take across a river with him in a row boat. It is financially imperative that he transports them over to the other side today!

Unfortunately, he only has room in the boat for himself and one of the others.
His problem is, if he allows the fox and goose to be alone together the fox will eat the goose and if he permits the goose and corn to be alone together the goose will eat the corn. You can see his predicament.
So how does he get them all across the river today without losing any of them?

**(scroll down to see the answer below once you have figured it out or given up).
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1. First he takes the goose over with him in the boat.
2. Then he rows back over and brings the corn back across with him.
3. He leaves the corn there and rows back across taking the goose back over with him.
4. Next, he leaves the goose on the original shore and takes the fox back across with him and leaves the fox there next to the corn.
5. Finally, he rows back over to the original side, puts the goose in the boat with him and rows across to where he left the fox and corn.

CCGGG

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

CCGGG

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back--wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t uttered a single word this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 135."

ms70

@thisnamztaken said:
A farmer has a fox, a goose, and several ears of corn he needs to take across a river with him in a row boat. It is financially imperative that he transports them over to the other side today!

Unfortunately, he only has room in the boat for himself and one of the others.
His problem is, if he allows the fox and goose to be alone together the fox will eat the goose and if he permits the goose and corn to be alone together the goose will eat the corn. You can see his predicament.
So how does he get them all across the river today without losing any of them?

Believe it or not...... This was a question I got during the verbal part of a police exam in front of a panel of police chiefs back in the 80's. I have no idea how I came up with the answer so fast. I was astonished. I was later told it was simply to see if you could figure things out on the fly. But instead of a goose it was a chicken.

Rollerman

A guy who was pretty drunk coughed and got a little barf on his shirt.
He said out loud, "My wife is going to be ticked off when she see's that."
The guy next to him speaks up, "Why not do what I do in a case like that. Put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and gave you the $20 to get your shirt laundered."
"Hey, that might work" said the drunk.
When he got home, his wife was still up and not happy, "You've been drinking too much again and look you even soiled your shirt."
"No honey, another guy did that and stuffed a $20 bill in my shirt pocket to get my shirt cleaned."
Then the wife noticed that there were two twenty dollar bills and asked, "What's the other twenty for?"
Oh ya, he crapped my pants too!