A guy was stopped for speeding and the officer was having nothing to do with letting the guy off. As they talked, little bugs kept flying around the officer. He said something about them being annoying and the speeder said, "You usually see them around a horses ass." The cop quickly replied, "Are you calling me a horses ass?" "Oh, no sir came the reply.........but it's hard to fool them bugs though."
"Ain't None of Them play like him (Bix Beiderbecke) Yet." Louis Armstrong
Yesterday my son e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking beer isn't a good thing?” I asked. “I served 20 years in the Army; I deserve a break.”
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation. He is “only thinking of me," he said, and suggested I go down to the clubhouse and hang out with the guys.
I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on him.
I sent him an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club since I did that in the army.
He replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes again?"
I told him that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to him.
Immediately, he telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
On the recent Alex Trebek thread here, the old comedian Jack Benny came up, for smoe reason. One of Benny's perennial self-parodies was that he was a notorious cheapskate.
It reminded me of the classic Benny joke:
Benny's walking down the street, and a robber comes up and holds a gun to Benny's face:
Benny opened up his first radio appearance this way: “Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, ‘Who cares?'”
Another radio bit: Benny the tightwad is approached by an armed robber while walking home. The man says, “This is a stickup. Your money or your life.” There is a long pause. The armed man speaks, “I said your money or your life!” Benny replies, “I’m thinking! I’m thinking!”
On marriage: “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for 47 years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
On his professed stinginess: “I must be cheaper now than I was 10 years ago in order to get a laugh. It’s not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.”
He always loved a good one-liner. Among them: “A cannibal is a guy who goes in the restaurant and orders the waiter,” and, “A rich man is one who isn’t afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.”
Other well-known Benny lines: “Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter,” and “Gags die. Humor doesn’t.”
And just a few more quick-hit jokes: “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air,” and “I went to see one of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a second time.”
On Abraham Lincoln: “Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents — that’s my kind of guy.”
While being honored at a ceremony: “I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that, either.”
A geology expert was being chauffeur driven to his next lecture at Stanford. The driver spoke up and said, "It just isn't very fair, you make 10 times what I make and I can give that talk as well as you and I bet you can't even drive this car."
The expert replied, "Pull over, we're going to change identities and your going to give that lecture. If you do well, I'll give you $1,000 if not, you owe me $100. "Deal" said the chauffeur.
The expert, now dressed as a chauffeur, drove the car flawlessly the rest of the way to Stanford.
Well, the chauffeur got through the speech quite well, but then a moderator came on stage and said, as agreed upon, the talk was now open to questions and answers. The first obviously sharp student stood up and asked a very complicated question.
The stunned chauffeur scratched his head and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, but with a grin he replied, "When I agreed to speak here, I never expected such an elementary question from such a learned audience. Just to show how elementary this question is, I'm going to let my chauffeur take this one, he's standing there in the back of the room!"
"Ain't None of Them play like him (Bix Beiderbecke) Yet." Louis Armstrong
Farmer Brown had 3 lovely daughters. The daughters announce to their father they are going out on dates that night. Farmer Brown agrees under the condition that he gets to talk to each of the young men first.
The first young man knocks on the door and Farmer Brown answers the door with his shotgun and says, "What is your business young man?" to which the young man replies, "My name is Eddie, I'm her for Betty, we're going to have spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer decides Eddie is OK, gives his consent, and Betty and Eddie take off.
The next young man knocks on the door. Farmer Brown answers the door with his shotgun and says "What do you want?" and the young man says, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she set to go?" The farmer looks him over carefully, decides he's OK and off run Joe and Flo.
Finally the last young suitor knocks on the door. Farmer Brown growls, "What do you want?" to which he replies, "My name is Chuck..." and Farmer Brown shoots him.
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two finalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Montana. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three gals in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the Doctor for a check-up.
The Doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and as sharp as a tack;
“How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I'm Italian and I am a golfer,” says Frank, “and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“'Well' says the Doctor, “I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Father when he died?”
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.
How old is he?'
“He's 100 years old,” says Frank. “In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian
and he's a golfer, too.”
“Well,' the doctor says, “that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old
was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandfather's dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you're 80 years old
and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He's 118 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
“So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, No he couldn't go this morning
because he's getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting
married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get
married?
“Who said he wanted to?”
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOs are puzzled and ask him, “Why aren’t you ordering a Guinness?”
He replies, “If you guys aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”
Comments
EWWWW There be worms in that tomato!
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Page 666.
A guy was stopped for speeding and the officer was having nothing to do with letting the guy off. As they talked, little bugs kept flying around the officer. He said something about them being annoying and the speeder said, "You usually see them around a horses ass." The cop quickly replied, "Are you calling me a horses ass?" "Oh, no sir came the reply.........but it's hard to fool them bugs though."
Louis Armstrong
Looks like most of the tomatoes I got off my vines!
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Yesterday my son e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool, drinking beer isn't a good thing?” I asked. “I served 20 years in the Army; I deserve a break.”
Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation. He is “only thinking of me," he said, and suggested I go down to the clubhouse and hang out with the guys.
I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on him.
I sent him an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club since I did that in the army.
He replied, "Are you nuts? You're 86-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes again?"
I told him that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to him.
Immediately, he telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Pete
On the recent Alex Trebek thread here, the old comedian Jack Benny came up, for smoe reason. One of Benny's perennial self-parodies was that he was a notorious cheapskate.
It reminded me of the classic Benny joke:
Benny's walking down the street, and a robber comes up and holds a gun to Benny's face:
Robber: "Your money or your life!"
[pause]
Robber: "I SAID, your MONEY or YOUR LIFE!!"
[pause]
Robber: "WELL??!"
Benny (irritated): "I'm thinking! I'm thinking!"
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Benny opened up his first radio appearance this way: “Hello, folks, this is Jack Benny. There will be a slight pause while everyone says, ‘Who cares?'”
Another radio bit: Benny the tightwad is approached by an armed robber while walking home. The man says, “This is a stickup. Your money or your life.” There is a long pause. The armed man speaks, “I said your money or your life!” Benny replies, “I’m thinking! I’m thinking!”
On marriage: “My wife, Mary, and I have been married for 47 years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
On his professed stinginess: “I must be cheaper now than I was 10 years ago in order to get a laugh. It’s not funny now if I leave the table and give the waiter a nickel tip, which was a laugh years ago. Today I must maneuver it so that somehow I get the waiter to give me a nickel tip.”
He always loved a good one-liner. Among them: “A cannibal is a guy who goes in the restaurant and orders the waiter,” and, “A rich man is one who isn’t afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.”
Other well-known Benny lines: “Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter,” and “Gags die. Humor doesn’t.”
And just a few more quick-hit jokes: “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air,” and “I went to see one of those X-rated pictures the other night, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. So I stayed to see it a second time.”
On Abraham Lincoln: “Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents — that’s my kind of guy.”
While being honored at a ceremony: “I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that, either.”
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
A geology expert was being chauffeur driven to his next lecture at Stanford. The driver spoke up and said, "It just isn't very fair, you make 10 times what I make and I can give that talk as well as you and I bet you can't even drive this car."
The expert replied, "Pull over, we're going to change identities and your going to give that lecture. If you do well, I'll give you $1,000 if not, you owe me $100. "Deal" said the chauffeur.
The expert, now dressed as a chauffeur, drove the car flawlessly the rest of the way to Stanford.
Well, the chauffeur got through the speech quite well, but then a moderator came on stage and said, as agreed upon, the talk was now open to questions and answers. The first obviously sharp student stood up and asked a very complicated question.
The stunned chauffeur scratched his head and shifted his weight from one foot to the other, but with a grin he replied, "When I agreed to speak here, I never expected such an elementary question from such a learned audience. Just to show how elementary this question is, I'm going to let my chauffeur take this one, he's standing there in the back of the room!"
Louis Armstrong
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Photo of a pure-bread dog.
Farmer Brown had 3 lovely daughters. The daughters announce to their father they are going out on dates that night. Farmer Brown agrees under the condition that he gets to talk to each of the young men first.
The first young man knocks on the door and Farmer Brown answers the door with his shotgun and says, "What is your business young man?" to which the young man replies, "My name is Eddie, I'm her for Betty, we're going to have spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer decides Eddie is OK, gives his consent, and Betty and Eddie take off.
The next young man knocks on the door. Farmer Brown answers the door with his shotgun and says "What do you want?" and the young man says, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she set to go?" The farmer looks him over carefully, decides he's OK and off run Joe and Flo.
Finally the last young suitor knocks on the door. Farmer Brown growls, "What do you want?" to which he replies, "My name is Chuck..." and Farmer Brown shoots him.
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Danielle on the "American Pickers" show made the following joke I thought was funny:
"You guys ever notice how many towns name themselves after their water towers?"
Louis Armstrong
Speaking of American Pickers does anyone know what kind of wrench this is
Lafayette Grading Set
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two finalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Montana. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination---Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin went,
Met three gals in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
You can guess who won...
Smitten with DBLCs.
Pete
Vintage Antique Valve Spring Lifter Wrench ??
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
WOW!
That was good! and quick
Cheers, RickO
Court transcript
Attorney, are you sexually active?
Witness, No, I just lie there.
I was involved in a one night stand and it went horribly wrong. We've been married close to three years now.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Works for me.... Cheers, RickO
Pete
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the Doctor for a check-up.
The Doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and as sharp as a tack;
“How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I'm Italian and I am a golfer,” says Frank, “and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“'Well' says the Doctor, “I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Father when he died?”
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.
How old is he?'
“He's 100 years old,” says Frank. “In fact he golfed
with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk
and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian
and he's a golfer, too.”
“Well,' the doctor says, “that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old
was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandfather's dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you're 80 years old
and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He's 118 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
“So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, No he couldn't go this morning
because he's getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting
married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get
married?
“Who said he wanted to?”
Cheers, RickO
Contemporary place setting
Dave
A couple of one-liners for your amusement!
My forty-year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $200 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years... He must be crazy!
My wife has recently turned mean and short-tempered... I think
she is going through mental pause!
Seems they forgot to designate the place setting locations for your hand sanitizer and face masks.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.
The three CEOs are puzzled and ask him, “Why aren’t you ordering a Guinness?”
He replies, “If you guys aren’t drinking beer, then neither will I.”
From today's news headlines:
Enormous alligator spotted on Florida golf course
The Mysterious Egyptian Magic Coin
Coins in Movies
Coins on Television
Pete
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
What has land with no house's? What has forests but no trees? What has oceans and water but no fish?
Can you answer this before you look at ending?
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
A Map!
Don't hurt the messenger, it was the only thing I could come up with!
A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works.
Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes, the insults stop.
The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out.
The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.”
Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”