@ricko said:
"What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"
"My wife put it there to remind me to take a letter to the Post Office."
"And did you mail it?"
"No, she forgot to give me the letter."
Since this is election time... I will try not to get banned so here goes....
While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was hit by an automobile and tragically died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
A co worker named Joe invites a worker, John, over for supper. Joe thanks his wife by calling her Honey, Sweetie, every name of endearment you could think of. John was impressed that Joe was so careing and loving he called her every name of endearment and he said so to Joe. Joe said "To be totally honest, I forgot her name about 3 years ago."
They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I transplanted a new one, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with severe brain damage. After my surgery, he became a professor at Harvard." Third one scoffs and goes, "Hah, both of you are amateurs. I once had a patient who was a horrible businessman, a liar, a cheat, and a scoundrel. He drove his car directly into horse at max speed. Everything was a mess. The only thing I had to work with was the guy's business suit and the horse's rear end. Now he's running for congress!"
There was this business lady that one day went out for lunch, she had 3 bowls of beans they were so good, but she knew she shouldn't as they would make her flatulent. She went home and the husband caught her and told her to put on a blindfold and go sit down at the dinner table he had a surprise for her. She did that and the phone rang. The husband told her not to peek, keep the blindfold on and he would answer the phone. She promised she would not peek and he got the phone. Well, the beans were working on her and she let a barn burner go, it smelled like the garbage truck had ran over a couple skunks! She took the napkin and fluffed it in the air to disperse the smell as best she could. She let 3 more go and all sounded like lightening and smelled like the lightening hit the outhouse! She fluffed the napkin after each one and listened as best she could to the conversation her husband was having in the next room. When the call was over, the husband came back in, asked her if she peeked and she said "No" the husband removed the blindfold from her eyes and there was 12 people sitting around the table and singing "Happy Birthday" to her.
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood.
Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.
"Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.
Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"
Bubba once told his friend “I know everyone in the world. I really do.”
His friend replied respectfully, “Now Bubba. You know a lot of people, but there’s no way you know everybody in the world.”
“Yes I do. Pick anyone.”
“Okay, I bet you don’t know the mayor”
“Sure I do. Go ask him”
“Okay, I will”
So, he went to see the mayor.
“Excuse me mayor, but do you know Bubba?”
“Oh, Bubba, sure I know Bubba. I’ve known Bubba since we were kids”.
So the friend went back to Bubba. “Okay, Bubba, I didn’t think you know the mayor. I guess you do. But, seriously, there’s no way you know everyone in the world.
“But I’m telling you I do. Try me again”
“Okay, I bet you don’t know the governor”
“The governor. Of course I do. Go ask him”
“Okay, I will”
So, he went to see the governor.
“Excuse me governor, but do you know Bubba?”
“Oh, Bubba, sure I know Bubba. Bubba is a great friend of mine”.
Surprised, the friend went back to Bubba. “Okay, Bubba, I didn’t think you know the governor. I guess you do. But, seriously, there’s no way you know everyone in the world.”
“But, I keep telling you I do. Name someone else. Anyone”.
“Okay, I want to try someone away from politics. What about Tom Cruise. I be you don’t know Tom Cruise. You obviously know a lot of people, but there’s no way you know Tom Cruise.”
“Oh, Tommy boy. Sure I know him. Why don’t you ask him?”
“Okay, I will”
So, he was able to go to where Tom Cruise was filming a new movie and made his way to the studio, where he was able to briefly approach him.
“Excuse me Mr. Cruise. I know this is an awkward question, but do you know Bubba?”
“Oh, Bubba, sure I know Bubba. I’ve known Bubba long before I became an actor.”
So the friend went back to Bubba shocked an amazed. “Okay, Bubba, I didn’t think you would know Tom Cruise, but I guess you do. But, seriously, these are just coincidences. There’s no way you know everyone in the world.”
“But I keep telling you I do. Name someone else.”
“Okay, but this one is going to be a stretch. I bet you don’t know the President of the United States.”
“Oh, that’s easy. He’s an old friend. Of course I do. Go ask him”
“Okay, I will”.
Through a series of connections, the friend was able to have a brief encounter with the president.
“Mr. President, I’m so sorry to bother you, but one quick question. Do you know Bubba?”
“Do I know Bubba? Well, is this a trick question? Because that’s too easy. Of course I know Bubba. I’ve known Bubba since long before I got into politics.”
The friend was stunned. He went back to Bubba and said, “I really am surprised. You clearly appear to know just about everyone. You knew the mayor, the governor, Tom Cruise and the president. But, seriously, it’s a big world. There’s no way you could know everyone in the world.”
“Try me”.
“Okay, one more test. If you pass this one I’ll assume you know everyone in the world. I bet you don’t know the Pope.”
“Oh, the Pope. Of course, I do. That’s easy. I knew the Pope before he was confirmed as a Catholic”
“Well, I’ll have to see it for myself. This time you’re going with me.”
So, they went to see the Pope, but when they got to the Vatican, the Pope was scheduled to speak to the crowds of people. Bubba said, “Look, it’s been a while since the Pope has seen me. I don’t want to startle him. Let me go in and say a few words to him and then I’ll introduce you.”
The friend just knew he had him. He knew Bubba would go in, get the Pope to go along with his story and try to make him believe they already knew each other, but, he decided to let him go.
A few minutes later, the Pope came out on the balcony to speak to the crowds. Who would have guessed, but walking closely behind the Pope was none other than Bubba.
And that’s when the friend passed out.
Bubba rushed down to check on his friend. He woke his friend and said, “Are you okay? What happened?”
“Well”, the friend said, “I was okay until everyone around me started saying, ‘Who’s that guy with Bubba?”
A teenage girl stormed into her home
and said, "I never want to see that guy again!"
Her parents were confused and asked why she
was so angry.
The girl said, "We had a big fight, and he called me the e-word!", then ran to her room in tears.
The parents looked at each other, confused.
"What insult starts with an "e"? They wondered.
So they called their daughter back and asked,
"Honey, we don't understand. What did he call
you that starts with an 'e'?"
The daughter replied, "He called me an idiot!"
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,
Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! - there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'...
'So the bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!
A woman and her 8 year old daughter are walking through a pasture and see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter asks what are those horses doing mom? The mom thinks fast and replies the one on top hurt his foot and the one on the bottom is helping him back to the barn. The daughter thinks a moment and says I guess it’s that way with people too. You try to do someone a favor and you just end up getting f***ed.
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream.
He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?”
The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.”
A New York attorney, representing a wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.
"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million; and, I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow !! Well done !! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
A New York attorney, representing a wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.
"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million; and, I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow !! Well done !! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
Comments
I'mma clicking that link . . . . . . .
Z
Busy chasing Carr's . . . . . woof!
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Before this thread I did not appreciate his brilliance.
So....thank you!👍
Peter and his wife started dieting a week ago.
Peter’s wife proposed that they have a “cheat day” today as a reward.
Peter’s wife brought home McDonald’s and KFC wings. Peter brought home his secretary.
From his hospital bed, Peter is wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.
Since this is election time... I will try not to get banned so here goes....
While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was hit by an automobile and tragically died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
A co worker named Joe invites a worker, John, over for supper. Joe thanks his wife by calling her Honey, Sweetie, every name of endearment you could think of. John was impressed that Joe was so careing and loving he called her every name of endearment and he said so to Joe. Joe said "To be totally honest, I forgot her name about 3 years ago."
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Three surgeons are in a bar:
They're arguing over who is the best surgeon out of all of them. The first one goes, "Well, one of my patients lost his leg, but after I transplanted a new one, he became an Olympic runner." Second one goes, "Psh, that's nothing! I once had a patient with severe brain damage. After my surgery, he became a professor at Harvard." Third one scoffs and goes, "Hah, both of you are amateurs. I once had a patient who was a horrible businessman, a liar, a cheat, and a scoundrel. He drove his car directly into horse at max speed. Everything was a mess. The only thing I had to work with was the guy's business suit and the horse's rear end. Now he's running for congress!"
In fact I do when folks post inappropriate material here that can close down what has been a great thread.........
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Now that's comedy!
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
.
.
There was this business lady that one day went out for lunch, she had 3 bowls of beans they were so good, but she knew she shouldn't as they would make her flatulent. She went home and the husband caught her and told her to put on a blindfold and go sit down at the dinner table he had a surprise for her. She did that and the phone rang. The husband told her not to peek, keep the blindfold on and he would answer the phone. She promised she would not peek and he got the phone. Well, the beans were working on her and she let a barn burner go, it smelled like the garbage truck had ran over a couple skunks! She took the napkin and fluffed it in the air to disperse the smell as best she could. She let 3 more go and all sounded like lightening and smelled like the lightening hit the outhouse! She fluffed the napkin after each one and listened as best she could to the conversation her husband was having in the next room. When the call was over, the husband came back in, asked her if she peeked and she said "No" the husband removed the blindfold from her eyes and there was 12 people sitting around the table and singing "Happy Birthday" to her.
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
Cheers, RickO
Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood.
Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.
"Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter." He then pulled the cable and the chain saw sprang into action.
Leaping back, Bubba shouted, "What the heck is that noise?"
Cheers, RickO
There once was a guy named Bubba.
Bubba once told his friend “I know everyone in the world. I really do.”
His friend replied respectfully, “Now Bubba. You know a lot of people, but there’s no way you know everybody in the world.”
“Yes I do. Pick anyone.”
“Okay, I bet you don’t know the mayor”
“Sure I do. Go ask him”
“Okay, I will”
So, he went to see the mayor.
“Excuse me mayor, but do you know Bubba?”
“Oh, Bubba, sure I know Bubba. I’ve known Bubba since we were kids”.
So the friend went back to Bubba. “Okay, Bubba, I didn’t think you know the mayor. I guess you do. But, seriously, there’s no way you know everyone in the world.
“But I’m telling you I do. Try me again”
“Okay, I bet you don’t know the governor”
“The governor. Of course I do. Go ask him”
“Okay, I will”
So, he went to see the governor.
“Excuse me governor, but do you know Bubba?”
“Oh, Bubba, sure I know Bubba. Bubba is a great friend of mine”.
Surprised, the friend went back to Bubba. “Okay, Bubba, I didn’t think you know the governor. I guess you do. But, seriously, there’s no way you know everyone in the world.”
“But, I keep telling you I do. Name someone else. Anyone”.
“Okay, I want to try someone away from politics. What about Tom Cruise. I be you don’t know Tom Cruise. You obviously know a lot of people, but there’s no way you know Tom Cruise.”
“Oh, Tommy boy. Sure I know him. Why don’t you ask him?”
“Okay, I will”
So, he was able to go to where Tom Cruise was filming a new movie and made his way to the studio, where he was able to briefly approach him.
“Excuse me Mr. Cruise. I know this is an awkward question, but do you know Bubba?”
“Oh, Bubba, sure I know Bubba. I’ve known Bubba long before I became an actor.”
So the friend went back to Bubba shocked an amazed. “Okay, Bubba, I didn’t think you would know Tom Cruise, but I guess you do. But, seriously, these are just coincidences. There’s no way you know everyone in the world.”
“But I keep telling you I do. Name someone else.”
“Okay, but this one is going to be a stretch. I bet you don’t know the President of the United States.”
“Oh, that’s easy. He’s an old friend. Of course I do. Go ask him”
“Okay, I will”.
Through a series of connections, the friend was able to have a brief encounter with the president.
“Mr. President, I’m so sorry to bother you, but one quick question. Do you know Bubba?”
“Do I know Bubba? Well, is this a trick question? Because that’s too easy. Of course I know Bubba. I’ve known Bubba since long before I got into politics.”
The friend was stunned. He went back to Bubba and said, “I really am surprised. You clearly appear to know just about everyone. You knew the mayor, the governor, Tom Cruise and the president. But, seriously, it’s a big world. There’s no way you could know everyone in the world.”
“Try me”.
“Okay, one more test. If you pass this one I’ll assume you know everyone in the world. I bet you don’t know the Pope.”
“Oh, the Pope. Of course, I do. That’s easy. I knew the Pope before he was confirmed as a Catholic”
“Well, I’ll have to see it for myself. This time you’re going with me.”
So, they went to see the Pope, but when they got to the Vatican, the Pope was scheduled to speak to the crowds of people. Bubba said, “Look, it’s been a while since the Pope has seen me. I don’t want to startle him. Let me go in and say a few words to him and then I’ll introduce you.”
The friend just knew he had him. He knew Bubba would go in, get the Pope to go along with his story and try to make him believe they already knew each other, but, he decided to let him go.
A few minutes later, the Pope came out on the balcony to speak to the crowds. Who would have guessed, but walking closely behind the Pope was none other than Bubba.
And that’s when the friend passed out.
Bubba rushed down to check on his friend. He woke his friend and said, “Are you okay? What happened?”
“Well”, the friend said, “I was okay until everyone around me started saying, ‘Who’s that guy with Bubba?”
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Having a bad day as the beagles lost.
May need him before long!
A teenage girl stormed into her home
and said, "I never want to see that guy again!"
Her parents were confused and asked why she
was so angry.
The girl said, "We had a big fight, and he called me the e-word!", then ran to her room in tears.
The parents looked at each other, confused.
"What insult starts with an "e"? They wondered.
So they called their daughter back and asked,
"Honey, we don't understand. What did he call
you that starts with an 'e'?"
The daughter replied, "He called me an idiot!"
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
Cheers, RickO
An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
Cheers, RickO
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park,
Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! - there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'...
'So the bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!
Cheers, RickO
A woman and her 8 year old daughter are walking through a pasture and see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter asks what are those horses doing mom? The mom thinks fast and replies the one on top hurt his foot and the one on the bottom is helping him back to the barn. The daughter thinks a moment and says I guess it’s that way with people too. You try to do someone a favor and you just end up getting f***ed.
Today's news headline:
Flying squirrel trafficking ring busted in Florida
The Mysterious Egyptian Magic Coin
Coins in Movies
Coins on Television
AJ Sears is my new favorite comedian. He has great material, timing and keeps a straight face through all of his bits.
This is when the coin of a lifetime drops in your lap.
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream.
He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?”
The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
A New York attorney, representing a wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.
"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million; and, I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow !! Well done !! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
Cheers, RickO
Ouch!
Scotland :
Alligators on a golf course...
You haven't seen any thing yet.
Ummmm.......what????
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.....................................everything else was made by china!
No no no... Stop!! Don’t close down this fun and long-running thread.
Let’s get back on track:
Two peanuts walking down the road in a bad neighborhood. One was a salted.
And just for good measure, here’s a coin!
Unfortunately, there is a lot to say but being we non-political platform per our host, best we steer away from politics altogether.
darn nice 64, congrats on your newp !
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.