After watching the Monday night football game...the old fellow decides to go to bed.....
The guys wife is already in bed and have been asleep for an hour already....
He climbs in bed with his wife.....
He slides his hands slowly across his wife's shoulder.....
across her waist......
under her neck....
below her neck....
He then gently slides his hand under his wife's back....
All of a sudden he stops....
His wife asked him in a romantic voice....
"Babe....why did you stop?"
He answers her....
"Got the remote....you can go back to sleep!"
A woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her,'Father, may I ask a favor?
Of course what may I do for you?
' I bought an expensive woman's hair dryer for
my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.Could you carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
At customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.' The official asked, and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next!'
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."
And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde reply's "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
Things best left unsaid...
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birthday
gift. The next year, I didn't buy her anything.
When she asked me why, I replied, "You still haven't used the gift I gave
you last year!"
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion. She kept
staring at an obviously drunk man, sitting all alone, swigging his drinks at
a nearby table.
I asked, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started
drinking years ago, right after we broke up. I heard he hasn't been sober
since."
"My goodness!" I said. "Who would have thought a person could
continue celebrating that long?
An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Political comments smoetimes can bring us together:
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~
Comments
After watching the Monday night football game...the old fellow decides to go to bed.....
The guys wife is already in bed and have been asleep for an hour already....
He climbs in bed with his wife.....
He slides his hands slowly across his wife's shoulder.....
across her waist......
under her neck....
below her neck....
He then gently slides his hand under his wife's back....
All of a sudden he stops....
His wife asked him in a romantic voice....
"Babe....why did you stop?"
He answers her....
"Got the remote....you can go back to sleep!"
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
A woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her,'Father, may I ask a favor?
Of course what may I do for you?
' I bought an expensive woman's hair dryer for
my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.Could you carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
At customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.' The official asked, and what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused.
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.
Next!'
U.S. Type Set
@jkrk We should give out jokes of the day (JOTD) on this thread, kind of like the old POTD awards.
I thought @ricko's "remote" joke was pretty good, and even though it's still early, I nominate yours for the JOTD on that one!
“We are only their care-takers,” he posed, “if we take good care of them, then centuries from now they may still be here … ”
Todd - BHNC #242
You know why a chicken coupe has 2 doors instead of 4?
It would be called a sedan instead of a coupe!
I can hear the groans now!
The fact that Kansas and Arkansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.
P.S. Silent groan here for Ken who gets an A for effort.
.
I had one just like that. New in the box.
https://www.sos.arkansas.gov/education/arkansas-history/how-did-arkansas-get-its-name
U.S. Type Set
Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”
Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”
A guy walks into a bar.
Says to the bartender: "Hey, bartender. I'm looking for Hortense. Is that Hortense over there?"
Bartender: "I dunno, buddy. She looks pretty relaxed to me."
Yuk, yuk.
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
.
Reminds me of when they produced a small car called a Yugo. They decided to make a station wagon and call it a Wego.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
.
social distancing- with a couple of non compliants.
U.S. Type Set
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction. The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!" Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Cheers, RickO
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
Cheers, RickO
Ricko.
You have been on one seriously funny roll in this thread.
Keep it up and entertain us with more of your jokes (are they all in your head; or are you searching other places for your material?).
Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.
The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!"
So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.
That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me."
And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde reply's "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.
She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!
This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,
"You're free to go.
And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
U.S. Type Set
In the news today:
A hunter was killed by a grizzly bear in a national park in Alaska over the weekend, the National Park Service said Tuesday.
The National Park Service said the hunter was on a 10-day moose hunt with a friend near the Chisana River when the attack happened on Sunday.
Real life imitates The Far Side.
The Mysterious Egyptian Magic Coin
Coins in Movies
Coins on Television
I've run out of "Far Side" cartoons. I hope everyone was amused by them. We all need to laugh during these "fun" times.
Best wishes to all.......................
Pete
@BuffaloIronTail "Best wishes to all......................."
Dang! That almost sounds like a good bye.
Where the heck do ya think you are going?
You still have the "near side" & the "other side" to go.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Now I can understand why FB does some of the things they do....
Things best left unsaid...
One year I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birthday
gift. The next year, I didn't buy her anything.
When she asked me why, I replied, "You still haven't used the gift I gave
you last year!"
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion. She kept
staring at an obviously drunk man, sitting all alone, swigging his drinks at
a nearby table.
I asked, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started
drinking years ago, right after we broke up. I heard he hasn't been sober
since."
"My goodness!" I said. "Who would have thought a person could
continue celebrating that long?
You know what? It's not a goodbye......................
You did ask me where I think I'm going.
The obvious answer is CRAZY.
Thanks for caring.
Pete
@BuffaloIronTail
You know what? It's not a goodbye...................... WoooHooo!!!
You did ask me where I think I'm going.
The obvious answer is CRAZY.
__ See you when you get here. 
Thanks for caring.
An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"
Cheers, RickO
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Cheers, RickO
Political comments smoetimes can bring us together:
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...