If only could teach my cat to do that. I wouldn't need new carpeting every 7-8 years.
Edited: I posted this before I went downstairs this AM. Guess what I found in the family room, 3 medium size puke spots, and 2 small ones.
She's an indoor OCD tabby that pulls a small patch of hair out every time she washes herself. I've taken her to 2 different dermatologist vets, changed her wet food diet (nothing with animals that has feathers), prescription dry food, put on prescription flea medicine even though there are no fleas. I'm surprised she doesn't puke more with all the hair she swallows daily.
If only could teach my cat to do that. I wouldn't need new carpeting every 7-8 years.
Edited: I posted this before I went downstairs this AM. Guess what I found in the family room, 3 medium size puke spots, and 2 small ones.
She's an indoor OCD tabby that pulls a small patch of hair out every time she washes herself. I've taken her to 2 different dermatologist vets, changed her wet food diet (nothing with animals that has feathers), prescription dry food, put on prescription flea medicine even though there are no fleas. I'm surprised she doesn't puke more with all the hair she swallows daily.
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
Jerry finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Jerry. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Jerry is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Jerry looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the
bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Jerry goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing:
"You mean----", he swallows excitedly,
......
"I can check the CU Forums from here"
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.
" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
@Hydrant said:
I agree with you pursuitofliberty. But....when people start getting mad over jokes.....we have a problem. Relax, boys.
Dennis Leary has said "Some people get offended. I LAUGH. And I am a much happier person"
#LetsGoSwitzerlandThe Man Who Does Not Read Has No Advantage Over the Man Who Cannot Read. The biggest obstacle to progress is a habit of “buying what we want and begging for what we need.”You get the Freedom you fight for and get the Oppression you deserve.
My wife put a box with a lock on it in the top of the closet when we first got married, she told me to never look at it or open it under NO Circumstances. Throughout the years I wanted to but never looked in it. Then, after many years, the wife had a stroke and was on her death bed. I stayed with her day and night but wondered about the box as well. I asked her if now was the time to open the box. She stated "Yes now would be a good time to let me explain the box. I opened it and there was 2 little crocheted dolls and a million dollars in it! My wife said, "My mother told me to put a box in there when we first got married and to crochet a little doll each time you made me mad" I was overly excited to know I had just made her mad twice but had to ask her where the million dollars came from? She said, " I got all the money from selling the dolls I crocheted over the years!"
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be...?"
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial traits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto Night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself, "Brandi.......work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
They were together in the house.
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.
She wanted that...more than anything.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out.
She screamed.
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on...as did their growing passion.
And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong.
Their families would never understand.
So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...
just the faint click of a camera......
What were you thinking? NOW AREN'T YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF !!!!!!!!
Here's a true story that just happened a few days ago. Two truck drivers were arguing inside the terminal when one of them said, "I think we need to take this outside!".
The other driver said, "I'll be out a soon as I finish this paper work. Meantime, just go out there and practice falling down until I get there."
"Ain't None of Them play like him (Bix Beiderbecke) Yet." Louis Armstrong
Comments
I can't answer @marcmoish
For fear it might incriminate me!!
I don't know whether to "LOL" or "POF." *
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
But what if saying "No" to drugs makes you sleepy? Then what do you do?
.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
A husband asked his wife "Will you still love me when I get old and fat". The wife answers "I still do".
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
If only could teach my cat to do that. I wouldn't need new carpeting every 7-8 years.
Edited: I posted this before I went downstairs this AM. Guess what I found in the family room, 3 medium size puke spots, and 2 small ones.
She's an indoor OCD tabby that pulls a small patch of hair out every time she washes herself. I've taken her to 2 different dermatologist vets, changed her wet food diet (nothing with animals that has feathers), prescription dry food, put on prescription flea medicine even though there are no fleas. I'm surprised she doesn't puke more with all the hair she swallows daily.
I have a black female cat that looks like that one, that drinks out of the bowl. Even tho we have plenty of water in drinking bowls in the house.
It's just a fur ball.
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin, and keep away from children, just like the bottle says!!
Pete
Added: I like the puppy in the shopping cart. LOL!
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Have you tried brushing her regularly? My cat loves it and it pretty much solved the problem here!
A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"
One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
Jerry finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life, until the boat sinks. He finds himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Jerry. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
Jerry is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Jerry looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the
bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, Jerry goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside of a swivel mechanism.
"Wow! This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."
She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing:
"You mean----", he swallows excitedly,
......
"I can check the CU Forums from here"
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.
" Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.
The cone of silence has been activated.
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?
What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?
I missed you this morning.
Dennis Leary has said "Some people get offended. I LAUGH. And I am a much happier person"
.
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Snap into a Slim Jim (and get 5 to 10 years)
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
that infamous dot
@marcmoish Stepped up the game ... that last Blonde joke has to be the funniest Blonde joke I have ever heard!!
@LarkinCollector Glad you keep coming back ... you have some really good ones!
“We are only their care-takers,” he posed, “if we take good care of them, then centuries from now they may still be here … ”
Todd - BHNC #242
It's just a fur ball.
Back by popular demand.
Pete
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know which comes first
My wife put a box with a lock on it in the top of the closet when we first got married, she told me to never look at it or open it under NO Circumstances. Throughout the years I wanted to but never looked in it. Then, after many years, the wife had a stroke and was on her death bed. I stayed with her day and night but wondered about the box as well. I asked her if now was the time to open the box. She stated "Yes now would be a good time to let me explain the box. I opened it and there was 2 little crocheted dolls and a million dollars in it! My wife said, "My mother told me to put a box in there when we first got married and to crochet a little doll each time you made me mad" I was overly excited to know I had just made her mad twice but had to ask her where the million dollars came from? She said, " I got all the money from selling the dolls I crocheted over the years!"
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Well, the American put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."
Prepare to groan ...
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers. The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had! Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so--I am the chip monk."
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial traits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and she does not win.
Brandi again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and now I'm going to lose my car." Lotto Night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays..."Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself, "Brandi.......work with me on this. Buy a ticket."
A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $3.00 in the Bahamas, and $3.50 in Barbados. Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
A friend kept saying, "Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be underground in hole filled with water." I know he means well.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down
Scroll slowly ...
They were together in the house.
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night.
The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.
She wanted that...more than anything.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out.
She screamed.
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on...as did their growing passion.
And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.
They knew it was wrong.
Their families would never understand.
So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...
just the faint click of a camera......
What were you thinking? NOW AREN'T YOU ASHAMED OF YOURSELF !!!!!!!!
Larkin is good! 🙂
Here's a true story that just happened a few days ago. Two truck drivers were arguing inside the terminal when one of them said, "I think we need to take this outside!".
The other driver said, "I'll be out a soon as I finish this paper work. Meantime, just go out there and practice falling down until I get there."
Louis Armstrong
Pete