Question: "What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?"
Answer 1: Removable wing tips.
Answer 2 (from a practicing attorney): Vultures only prey on the dead.
Member: EAC, NBS, C4, CWTS, ANA
RMR: 'Wer, wenn ich schriee, hörte mich denn aus der Engel Ordnungen?'
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
This one's been around for awhile, but it's a good one:
The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?
Madam President-elect replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, the first Jewish and the first female is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You know that woman who's taking the oath of office there?"
The senator whispers back, "Why yes, I do!"
Mom says proudly, "Her brother's a doctor, you know."
Man finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a Genie appears. The Genie tells the guy he'll grant any wish.
"I always wanted to go to Hawaii. But I'm afraid to fly. Can you build a highway so I can drive there?"
"Ugh....you know, that's a pretty huge wish. I mean it's a lot of trouble. I'd have to build rest stops, hotels, restaurants and all that other stuff including the highway. Is there some thing else you'd like?"
"Ok. I want to know all about how a woman thinks."
"Ugh, how many lanes did you want with that highway?"
@ricko said:
A retired husband feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, his Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test he could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor....
“Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and the husband was in the den.
He says to himself....
“I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
Then in a normal tone he asks....
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response. So hemoves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats....
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks...
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response,
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.....
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her and asked...
“Honey, what’s for dinner?
The wife turns around and says...
Babe....for the FIFTH time, I’ve said, CHICKEN!
Cheers, RickO
Cute joke but is the husband really named hemoves?
There was these 3 little pigs. The first little pig went into a bar and ordered a drink. He gulped it down and went to the bathroom and left. The second little pig went into the same bar, ordered a drink gulped it down and went to bathroom and left. The third little went to same bar, ordered a drink gulped it down and started to leave. The bartender stopped him and said " Aren't you going to use the bathroom?" The third little pig said "No, I am the one that goes wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician smoke in bed. Each manages to fall asleep with a lit cigarette, only to awaken with the bed on fire.
The engineer runs to the bathroom, grabs a cup, fills it with water, douses the fire, and goes back to sleep, wet but safe.
The physicist runs to the desk, spends several minutes writing an equation for the linearized rate of fire spread, checks the clock, runs to the bathroom, fills a wastebasket with water, extinguishes the now-larger flame, and goes wetly to sleep.
The mathematician runs to the desk, writes down the exact, non-linear equations for the rate of fire spread versus time, fuel availability, air flow, and so on. She looks at the equations, nods to herself, announces “Now I understand the problem!” and goes back to bed.
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
From the local senior men's club.
New definitions for some familiar words
abdicate (v.) – To give up all hope of ever having a 6-pack gut.
balderdash (n.) – A rapidly receding hairline.
esplanade (v.) – To attempt an explanation while drunk.
flabbergasted (adj.) – Appalled by how much weight one has gained.
testicle (n.) – A humorous question on an exam.
I think there was a post on this thread that showed a childs stroller hooked up to a trailer hitch. The husbands wife tells him that she has the child seat. If this post is on this thread please direct me to it.
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she told him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. she agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to send a post card and write "Spaghetti " on the back. he would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife, who told him he had received a strange postcard. Oh just give it to me and I'll explain later, he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted on the card was written:
"Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. 3 with meatballs, 2 without. send extra sauce."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
(Easily changed for either party; this version was decided by a coin toss so no complaints.)
A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap with two beers sitting in front of him.
The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender...but not for the Republican."
Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the union boss.
After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"
A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican. Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, "Thank you!!"
Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "
"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip through a part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area.
However, little did Bob know that the plant manager was going to be a tough customer to please.
With a broad smile and a reassuring tone, Bob handed the plant manager a beautiful box of cigars as a gift, but the man barely gave it a sideways glance before he said,
"No cigars for me, thank you. I smoked one once, and it was horrible."
Bob is nothing if not prepared, so he offered to take the plant manager out for a few beers, but again the suggestion missed the mark.
"No alcohol for me, thank you. I drank it once, and it was horrible."
Not ready to give up just yet, Bob got a bright idea as he looked out the window and saw people playing golf.
"That's quite alright," he told the plant manager.
"How about you come and play a round of golf at my club as my personal guest?"
However, for the third time, Bob's luck struck out, as the plant manager replied,
"No golf for me, thank you. I played the sport once, and it was horrible.
" The plant manager had barely finished his sentence when a young man joined them at the table.
"Let me introduce my son, Jason,"
the plant manager said. Surprised, Bob gave the young man a quick once over before he replied,
Comments
Question: "What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?"
Answer 1: Removable wing tips.
Answer 2 (from a practicing attorney): Vultures only prey on the dead.
RMR: 'Wer, wenn ich schriee, hörte mich denn aus der Engel Ordnungen?'
CJ: 'No one!' [Ain't no angels in the coin biz]
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?
Cheers, RickO
This one's been around for awhile, but it's a good one:
The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?
Madam President-elect replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2029, the first Jewish and the first female is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You know that woman who's taking the oath of office there?"
The senator whispers back, "Why yes, I do!"
Mom says proudly, "Her brother's a doctor, you know."
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
This is what happens when you attempt to "restore" an old cent:
Before:
After:
Name one! We have time!!!!!
Oh no... No politics from me. I just thought it was funny.
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Now that is Funny!! @ricko
My latest T-shirt..... Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Brings back memories....
That's hilarious!
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Man finds a magic lamp. He rubs it and a Genie appears. The Genie tells the guy he'll grant any wish.
"I always wanted to go to Hawaii. But I'm afraid to fly. Can you build a highway so I can drive there?"
"Ugh....you know, that's a pretty huge wish. I mean it's a lot of trouble. I'd have to build rest stops, hotels, restaurants and all that other stuff including the highway. Is there some thing else you'd like?"
"Ok. I want to know all about how a woman thinks."
"Ugh, how many lanes did you want with that highway?"
Cute joke but is the husband really named hemoves?
There was these 3 little pigs. The first little pig went into a bar and ordered a drink. He gulped it down and went to the bathroom and left. The second little pig went into the same bar, ordered a drink gulped it down and went to bathroom and left. The third little went to same bar, ordered a drink gulped it down and started to leave. The bartender stopped him and said " Aren't you going to use the bathroom?" The third little pig said "No, I am the one that goes wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"
This one made me imagine the minute I saw it, as @ricko looking out for more of his solid jokes.
Perhaps also for untoned gems.
Don't know about others but this thread has kept me cheerful and light in these wacky months.
@marcmoish That cat is some funny..............stuff!
@marcmoish .... Fat Cat in repose, contemplating the unnecessary hustle and bustle of humans....
Cheers, RickO
I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the he-- out of me.
So that's it! After today, no more reading.
Tom
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician smoke in bed. Each manages to fall asleep with a lit cigarette, only to awaken with the bed on fire.
The engineer runs to the bathroom, grabs a cup, fills it with water, douses the fire, and goes back to sleep, wet but safe.
The physicist runs to the desk, spends several minutes writing an equation for the linearized rate of fire spread, checks the clock, runs to the bathroom, fills a wastebasket with water, extinguishes the now-larger flame, and goes wetly to sleep.
The mathematician runs to the desk, writes down the exact, non-linear equations for the rate of fire spread versus time, fuel availability, air flow, and so on. She looks at the equations, nods to herself, announces “Now I understand the problem!” and goes back to bed.
One of my favorites. Hey what’s the dill pickle?
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
So this just happened.
I like to mess with my postman from time to time.
I have to leave out one word on my direct quote, however.
This was and is to be a joke and no way was I serous.
Me ..."Hey man, can I buy some xxxxxxx from you?
Postman ... Cracking up says "Dude, you can't even say that"
This joke makes no sense without the word that you left out.
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"stamps" as I needed postage
Count the x’s.
Cheers, RickO
From the local senior men's club.
New definitions for some familiar words
abdicate (v.) – To give up all hope of ever having a 6-pack gut.
balderdash (n.) – A rapidly receding hairline.
esplanade (v.) – To attempt an explanation while drunk.
flabbergasted (adj.) – Appalled by how much weight one has gained.
testicle (n.) – A humorous question on an exam.
I think there was a post on this thread that showed a childs stroller hooked up to a trailer hitch. The husbands wife tells him that she has the child seat. If this post is on this thread please direct me to it.
Cheers, RickO
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she told him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. she agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to send a post card and write "Spaghetti " on the back. he would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife, who told him he had received a strange postcard. Oh just give it to me and I'll explain later, he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted on the card was written:
"Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. 3 with meatballs, 2 without. send extra sauce."
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position
as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
New movie
(Easily changed for either party; this version was decided by a coin toss so no complaints.)
A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap with two beers sitting in front of him.
The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender...but not for the Republican."
Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the union boss.
After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican. He nods and smiles, and again yells, "Thank you!"
A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican. Just as before, this STILL doesn't seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, "Thank you!!"
Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, "What is wrong with that Republican? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.? I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7:00 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! "
"So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Cheers, RickO
A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip through a part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area.
However, little did Bob know that the plant manager was going to be a tough customer to please.
With a broad smile and a reassuring tone, Bob handed the plant manager a beautiful box of cigars as a gift, but the man barely gave it a sideways glance before he said,
"No cigars for me, thank you. I smoked one once, and it was horrible."
Bob is nothing if not prepared, so he offered to take the plant manager out for a few beers, but again the suggestion missed the mark.
"No alcohol for me, thank you. I drank it once, and it was horrible."
Not ready to give up just yet, Bob got a bright idea as he looked out the window and saw people playing golf.
"That's quite alright," he told the plant manager.
"How about you come and play a round of golf at my club as my personal guest?"
However, for the third time, Bob's luck struck out, as the plant manager replied,
"No golf for me, thank you. I played the sport once, and it was horrible.
" The plant manager had barely finished his sentence when a young man joined them at the table.
"Let me introduce my son, Jason,"
the plant manager said. Surprised, Bob gave the young man a quick once over before he replied,
"Let me guess, he is an only child?"
Cheers, RickO
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've
had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me”.
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into
the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
"She's finally gone...yeah I know, it is about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like.”
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her
eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
"I can see your feet.
We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
Cheers, RickO