Heather emailed me wondering why I kept flagging people on this thread.
I told her I thought that was how to let them know if they repeated the same joke.
I always tell the kids in the stores with their pants down like this that " I'm so proud of them for losing so much weight". Seems to irritate them no end!......
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Gillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?”
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed….
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!”
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
The new CEO was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week ... Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here. He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and do not come back.
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
No nursing home for me. I'll be checking into the Marriott!
With the average cost of the nursing home being $275 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on the reservations at The Fairfield: for a combined long-term stay discount senior discount, it's $79.00 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have Happy Hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming, workout room, lounge, washer and dryer, and more.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$10.00 worth of tips a day and you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They'll treat you like a customer, not as a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you can fake a limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes a few months to get into a decent nursing home anyway. The Marriott will take your reservation today! And, in the Marriott, you're not stuck in one place forever - you can move from one Marriott to another Marriott, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have Courtyard there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem, they fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Marriott has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance… or the undertaker! If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Marriott will upgrade to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation. And the grandkids can use the pool.
What more could you ask for?
@marcmoish said:
No nursing home for me. I'll be checking into the Marriott!
With the average cost of the nursing home being $275 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on the reservations at The Fairfield: for a combined long-term stay discount senior discount, it's $79.00 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have Happy Hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming, workout room, lounge, washer and dryer, and more.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$10.00 worth of tips a day and you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They'll treat you like a customer, not as a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you can fake a limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes a few months to get into a decent nursing home anyway. The Marriott will take your reservation today! And, in the Marriott, you're not stuck in one place forever - you can move from one Marriott to another Marriott, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have Courtyard there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem, they fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Marriott has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance… or the undertaker! If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Marriott will upgrade to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation. And the grandkids can use the pool.
What more could you ask for?
I have heard of people making that work even on cruise ships.
Comments
Coinsof1984@martinb6830 on twitter
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
Coinsof1984@martinb6830 on twitter
1974
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Funny!
Heather emailed me wondering why I kept flagging people on this thread.
I told her I thought that was how to let them know if they repeated the same joke.
I always tell the kids in the stores with their pants down like this that " I'm so proud of them for losing so much weight". Seems to irritate them no end!......
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Gillian”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?”
"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you got that black eye when you ran into the door.”
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??”
His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed….
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!”
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS
Cheers, RickO
that's a great one
Lafayette Grading Set
Cheers, RickO
If this was already posted... Don't tell me and thus I'll know.
Poem for Computer Users over 40 (maybe now 50 or 60?) - Part 1
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment
program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.
Computer uses over 40 - Part 2
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
Is that Blue Nun?!
Smitten with DBLCs.
Clarence and Bruce
Number 1 or Number 2?
Discuss.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Could be?
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
What the new Rover found on Mars
Lafayette Grading Set
The new CEO was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week ... Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here. He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and do not come back.
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Interesting that the one that died from Alcohol poisoning isn't at the table where the drinks are.
Deleted
.....
Great transactions with oih82w8, JasonGaming, Moose1913.
DPOTD-3
'Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery'
CU #3245 B.N.A. #428
Don
Pete
3241 cans on the floor, 3241 cans
take one out and pass it around
3,240 cans on the floor...
Kennedys are my quest...
SEARCHING, SEARCHING
Kennedys are my quest...
You def get an A for effort
This one is really funny - you'd know if you had kids growing up on the '80's or was it the '90's.
No nursing home for me. I'll be checking into the Marriott!
With the average cost of the nursing home being $275 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on the reservations at The Fairfield: for a combined long-term stay discount senior discount, it's $79.00 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have Happy Hours in the afternoon.
That leaves $196.00 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming, workout room, lounge, washer and dryer, and more.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
$10.00 worth of tips a day and you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you. They'll treat you like a customer, not as a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you can fake a limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up. It takes a few months to get into a decent nursing home anyway. The Marriott will take your reservation today! And, in the Marriott, you're not stuck in one place forever - you can move from one Marriott to another Marriott, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have Courtyard there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem, they fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Marriott has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they call an ambulance… or the undertaker! If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Marriott will upgrade to a suite for the rest of your life.
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini vacation. And the grandkids can use the pool.
What more could you ask for?
I have heard of people making that work even on cruise ships.
Ketchup is a spice and I put that **** on everything. Just ask my wife! lol
Kennedys are my quest...
I've been wondering about something in this thread.
Too many LOL's but not enough likes.
Thus my question.... When someone thinks a post is funny they might laugh but do they like the post?
I guess we can agree that one could like a post that wasn't funny?
So I'm wondering whether we can like a post and not also agree?
... but an F for funny.
I still miss the disagree button....
You can only choose one. Some you may want to LOL and like, but you can still only choose one.
U.S. Type Set
How many lawyers jokes are there?
None.
They are all true stories.😉
What happens when a male lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.😄
Seances go away, zoom meetings are forever.
Kennedys are my quest...
Children at Play !