You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4 You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
or
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
or
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
or
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup .
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!
or
You can retire to The Deep South where...
.1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".
or
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Nebraska where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?”
or
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.
You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people
A man has been in hospital for a month. One day, he's so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth.
As he orders a fifth beer, he says to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."
The barman gasps in alarm, "What have you got?" To which the hospital patient replies, "I've got no money."
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"
Can the presence of a penguin in your collectible, who should be able to tie a bow tie, be released or let him do the slide of shame...
Ah! "You had to be there".
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value---zero."----Voltaire
"Everything you say should be true, but not everything true should be said."----Voltaire
All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other six Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?”
"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere." insisted Ted.
I voulunteered at the food bank back in the 90's.
voulunteered, community service, same thing.
I don't need a judge to tell me to get involved in my community!
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles airport.
The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a Crap?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"
The old man, having lived his entire life in South Florida, is now on his deathbed knowing the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.
My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 200 and Tavernier.
My son, Jamie, I want you to take the apartments over the offices in the town center.
Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the east side of town.
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings. As the old man slips away, the nurse says to his soon to be widow, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
A gas station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge right into his front yard.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"
"That's right... The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him 'yes,' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces,
and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
Born to Rum
Blunder Road
Puking in the Street
Scorn in the USA
Blinded by the Bud Lite
I'm on Fireball
Drinking in the Park
Rosé Liter
My Home Bar
Jungle Juice
Tenth Malibu Bay Breeze Out
Funnel of Love
PLEASE edit your post. The language is against the rules. A lot of us like this thread and don't want the mods to close it. Plus you'll save yourself from getting a warning or worse
Born to Rum
Blunder Road
Puking in the Street
Scorn in the USA
Blinded by the Bud Lite
I'm on Fireball
Drinking in the Park
Rosé Liter
My Home Bar
Jungle Juice
Tenth Malibu Bay Breeze Out
Funnel of Love
Comments
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
maybe a 6 on one side and an 8 on the other
Kennedys are my quest...
Me thinks this Zooming trend has gotten out of control.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4 You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
or
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
or
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
or
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup .
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!
or
You can retire to The Deep South where...
.1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".
or
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Nebraska where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?”
or
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where.
You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people
error.
Now I'm posting my own stuff twice.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
That was good @1630Boston !
A man has been in hospital for a month. One day, he's so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth.
As he orders a fifth beer, he says to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."
The barman gasps in alarm, "What have you got?" To which the hospital patient replies, "I've got no money."
Cheers, RickO
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, ah!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder...those are friars!"
Cheers, RickO
U.S. Type Set
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
that sign fits a couple of us on here
Kennedys are my quest...
Or
Trespassers will be shot
Survivors will be shot again.
Getting rid of those horses is a good way to stay rich.
No such thing as a "free horse".
and, as the sign says on my gate:
depends on your ammo supply
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Since we are joking around about guns, ammo, etc... Here's a sign posted at the door of one of the local restaurants. Seriously!
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Can the presence of a penguin in your collectible, who should be able to tie a bow tie, be released or let him do the slide of shame...
Ah! "You had to be there".
It looks like he's wearing an ATF hat.
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value---zero."----Voltaire
"Everything you say should be true, but not everything true should be said."----Voltaire
A husband and wife were sipping some wine, sitting in front of the fire on a cold wintry evening.
The wife began purring. “I love you so much, and look forward to the end of each day. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Her husband asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”
She replies, “It’s me... talking to the wine.”
Pete
All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.
Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other six Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.
The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?”
"Oh, no, sir, positively not!" Ted replied.
"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.
"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere." insisted Ted.
"Good. Then YOU fire her !
I voulunteered at the food bank back in the 90's.
voulunteered, community service, same thing.
I don't need a judge to tell me to get involved in my community!
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Los Angeles airport.
The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?" "My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a Crap?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"
U.S. Type Set
Cheers, RickO
The old man, having lived his entire life in South Florida, is now on his deathbed knowing the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses.
My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 200 and Tavernier.
My son, Jamie, I want you to take the apartments over the offices in the town center.
Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the east side of town.
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings. As the old man slips away, the nurse says to his soon to be widow, "Your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
The wife replies, "No...he had paper route."
A gas station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'
Cheers, RickO
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge right into his front yard.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?"
"That's right... The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.
I told him 'yes,' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces,
and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.' So I thanked him and left!"
Cheers, RickO
Dang, I wish I thought of that back in the day.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
DPOTD-3
'Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery'
CU #3245 B.N.A. #428
Don
New Bruce album line up!
Born to Rum
Blunder Road
Puking in the Street
Scorn in the USA
Blinded by the Bud Lite
I'm on Fireball
Drinking in the Park
Rosé Liter
My Home Bar
Jungle Juice
Tenth Malibu Bay Breeze Out
Funnel of Love
nicely
Man's best friend.
Not the dog.
Pizza
@Attumra
PLEASE edit your post. The language is against the rules. A lot of us like this thread and don't want the mods to close it. Plus you'll save yourself from getting a warning or worse
I get it
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Disregard