I saw this somewhere and thought it was cute. I apologize if I had seen it here!
The invisible man and the invisible women met and married, though I don't know what they saw in each other!
The had a baby, but he wasn't much to look at either.
"Ain't None of Them play like him (Bix Beiderbecke) Yet." Louis Armstrong
@1630Boston,
I can't explain that, can You?
My kind of place as it looks very comfortable and family friendly. It even has outdoor plumbing
Which coin do I use, I'm color blind.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But somehow, I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it.
"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"
He searched for the last commander's phone number and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench.
"I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition."
Going back to another 3 commanders, he found a now 100-year old retired General.
"Excuse me, sir. I'm now the CO of your camp you commanded 60 years ago. I've found 2 men assigned to guard a bench. Could you please tell me more about the bench?"
"What? Is the paint still wet ?
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.
The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
A woman goes to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word
"Ain't None of Them play like him (Bix Beiderbecke) Yet." Louis Armstrong
That big storm in Texas has really affected us here in Southern Arizona. The temperature here has dropped to just above 50 and we're freezing! Been a long cold Winter, dropped to 42 degree's once already!..........
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
Comments
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South Carolina too. Kinda cool though.
I saw this somewhere and thought it was cute. I apologize if I had seen it here!
The invisible man and the invisible women met and married, though I don't know what they saw in each other!
The had a baby, but he wasn't much to look at either.
Louis Armstrong
Well we had 2 1/2 feet of Sun here in Arizona and temps in the 70's.
I'm not sure weather to laugh!
@1630Boston,
I can't explain that, can You?
My kind of place as it looks very comfortable and family friendly. It even has outdoor plumbing
Which coin do I use, I'm color blind.
A rabbi and a priest sat on a bus together.
The priest looked at the rabbi and said
“Rabbi, have you ever slipped “ ?
The rabbi replied and said “ I ate a ham sandwich once “.
The rabbi asked the priest “ have you ever slipped ? “
The priest said to the rabbi
“Yes, the nun in my parish ....
.....well ...we did it “.
The rabbi said to the priest ..
“ Beats a ham sandwich “ .
I give away money. I collect money.
I don’t love money . I do love the Lord God.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But somehow, I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Seems like these will never end.
Good!
Pete
For any of you purists out there!
Hello everyone, I want an advice or opinion, how much do you think I can sell this album whitman with a printing error? 😬
Thank you
That would be an awesome album for errors. Are the holes for nickels or dimes?
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it.
"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"
He searched for the last commander's phone number and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench.
"I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition."
Going back to another 3 commanders, he found a now 100-year old retired General.
"Excuse me, sir. I'm now the CO of your camp you commanded 60 years ago. I've found 2 men assigned to guard a bench. Could you please tell me more about the bench?"
"What? Is the paint still wet ?
U.S. Type Set
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Not as good as @Oldhoopster 's bottle in the sea joke of the month award but infuriatingly relatable.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
A skeleton walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll you have?” The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew.
The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
And to think, I woke up to a foot of snow!! 😮
A woman goes to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word
Louis Armstrong
That big storm in Texas has really affected us here in Southern Arizona. The temperature here has dropped to just above 50 and we're freezing! Been a long cold Winter, dropped to 42 degree's once already!..........
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Cat 1: Can you see , can ya...
Cat 2: Will you hush, I'm trying to see what's going on
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What's that you say? You'd like me to send you all of my coins? Sure, sounds groovy, man.....
It's like something the Joker would use to hypnotize Robin
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
And then the fight started.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
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Blitzed!
Kennedys are my quest...
How do you call a fly without wings? A walk!
I think Budweiser made a case of 3240.
I wanted one of those until I realized it didn’t shoot real bullets.
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Interesting beverages for Led Zepplin
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
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Pete