At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say,
" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Norma always replied,
" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Norma replied,
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If You can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge You a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
Didn't. I'm impressed! "
Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know...
A 71 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 25 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her final operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 25 years to live. Why didn't you pull me away from the path of the ambulance?"
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
@hammer1 said:
Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say,
" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Norma always replied,
" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Norma replied,
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If You can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge You a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
Didn't. I'm impressed! "
Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know...
Yeah, and this is a very popular thread! Has anyone noticed it's well past 100K views now? It's on track to break all the records. Perhaps some good coin jokes need to be posted to keep in more on topic. Anyone have any?
@PerryHall said:
I'd like to see this thread continue so stop posting political crap. Otherwise, the moderators will close this thread. Thank you.
@hammer1 said:
Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say,
" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Norma always replied,
" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Norma replied,
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If You can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge You a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
Didn't. I'm impressed! "
Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know...
@hammer1 said:
Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say,
" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Norma always replied,
" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Norma replied,
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If You can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge You a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
Didn't. I'm impressed! "
Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know...
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!
Fair enough
Wonder if that 50 bucks would have been paid in Silver or Silver certificates 🙈
A older woman had a heart attack, and was rushed to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.
Seeing God she asked anxiously, "Is my time up?"
God looked in his book and replied with a smile, "No. No. No.
You have another 27 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Since she had so much time left, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.
Upon recovering, the woman decided to remain in the hospital
and have a facelift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even changed her hair color and whitened her teeth. Shortly
after this last improvement, she was released from the hospital.
On her way home, while crossing the street, she was hit by a
bus and killed.
Standing before God she demanded, "Why didn't you pull me
from in front of that bus? You said I had another 27 years!"
God replied, "Oh! I didn't recognize you."
@Smudge said:
Old people tell the same joke over and over.
That reminds me of this one:
A man is sent to prison for the first time. The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing. "Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?" "Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it." Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?" "You didn't tell it right."
A married couple is traveling by car from Dallas to Chicago.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
(The pinnacle of American football is tomorrow. Warning: rated PG/R, depending on your upbringing. This tall tale is from Jacksonville Jaguar’s head coach Urban Meyer, and focuses on a turtle and Woody Hayes who coached Ohio State for 27 years.)
"Ohio State had lost a bowl game, so Earl Bruce brings in Woody Hayes to the locker room. I had been there just a week and I'm thinking, 'Holy smokes, this is Coach Hayes!' I'm sitting in the back. Coach Hayes was not healthy at the time, but stands up and starts laying into the coaching staff about toughness. That we have no toughness in the program. That's why we lost the game. On and on and screaming, this old guy pounding the table. He screams, 'We have no toughness, and the reason is because you're not tough. No one on this staff is tough enough, and that's a problem.'
"He reaches down and grabs this box, slides the top off, and there was something in the box moving around. He reaches in and he pulls out this turtle. He reaches down, this turtle's snapping and he says, 'I'm going to show you toughness.' He unzips his pants and takes out whatever he takes out. The turtle reaches up and snaps at him. You see the veins and the sweat (on Hayes). He screams at the coaches, 'That's toughness! That's f'n toughness!' He reaches down, pokes the turtle right in the eye and it falls off. He wipes the sweat off his forehead and says, 'That's the problem. We don't have anybody in this room tough enough to do that right there.’
"One assistant raises his hand and says, 'Coach, I'd do this. Just promise not to poke me in the eye.'"
While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?' Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.
About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?"
The man says, "Yes."
"How close did you get before she answered?"
"Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said, 'For the FIFTH TIME...WHAT???'"
@jkrk said:
While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?' Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.
About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?"
The man says, "Yes."
"How close did you get before she answered?"
"Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said, 'For the FIFTH TIME...WHAT???'"
@Smudge said:
Old people tell the same joke over and over.
That reminds me of this one:
A man is sent to prison for the first time. The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing. "Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?" "Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it." Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?" "You didn't tell it right."
When I heard that one years ago, the punchline was, "Well some people can tell a joke, and some can't."
@jkrk said:
While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?' Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.
About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?"
The man says, "Yes."
"How close did you get before she answered?"
"Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said, 'For the FIFTH TIME...WHAT???'"
Already been posted.
I'm much older since the first time it was posted.
Perhaps abbreviations would be more helpful for me?
Comments
I don't like this conversation so I'm hiding behind this downed tree for a while
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Where do you pick up your free water??
Las Vegas strip club donates water during COVID-19
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ME: isn't this great??
WIFE: not really.
ME: looks down from the top bunk what's wrong??
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Cheers, RickO
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Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say,
" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Norma always replied,
" I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Norma replied,
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If You can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge You a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
Didn't. I'm impressed! "
Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know...
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!
A 71 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 25 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her final operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 25 years to live. Why didn't you pull me away from the path of the ambulance?"
God replied:
"I didn't recognize you!"
I remember when it was 5 bucks.
50% seems high... Even for FOX these days.
I'd like to see this thread continue so stop posting political crap. Otherwise, the moderators will close this thread. Thank you.
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
Yeah, and this is a very popular thread! Has anyone noticed it's well past 100K views now? It's on track to break all the records. Perhaps some good coin jokes need to be posted to keep in more on topic. Anyone have any?
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Wonder if that 50 bucks would have been paid in Silver or Silver certificates 🙈
Lafayette Grading Set
??
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Cheers, RickO
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
I wonder if anyone told him he's not a horse, and is a bad jumper?
A older woman had a heart attack, and was rushed to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near-death experience.
Seeing God she asked anxiously, "Is my time up?"
God looked in his book and replied with a smile, "No. No. No.
You have another 27 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Since she had so much time left, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.
Upon recovering, the woman decided to remain in the hospital
and have a facelift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even changed her hair color and whitened her teeth. Shortly
after this last improvement, she was released from the hospital.
On her way home, while crossing the street, she was hit by a
bus and killed.
Standing before God she demanded, "Why didn't you pull me
from in front of that bus? You said I had another 27 years!"
God replied, "Oh! I didn't recognize you."
Good music brings everyone together.....
Old people tell the same joke over and over.
Old people tell the same joke over and over.
Old people tell the same joke over and over.
That reminds me of this one:
A man is sent to prison for the first time. The first night there, after the lights in the cell block are turned off, he immediately sees his cellmate going over to the bars and yelling, "twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing. "Why are you guys just yelling numbers?" He asks his cellmate. "What's so funny about random numbers?" "Well," says the older prisoner, "They're not random. It's just that we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know all the same jokes. So after a while we just started giving them numbers and yelling those numbers is enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it." Wanting to fit in, the new prisoner walks up to the bars and yells, "SIX!" But instead of laughter, a dead silence falls on the cell block. He turns to the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?" "You didn't tell it right."
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
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ms70 where did you get those stickers? LOL
Lafayette Grading Set
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Old people tell the same joke over and over.
peacockcoins
A married couple is traveling by car from Dallas to Chicago.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
(The pinnacle of American football is tomorrow. Warning: rated PG/R, depending on your upbringing. This tall tale is from Jacksonville Jaguar’s head coach Urban Meyer, and focuses on a turtle and Woody Hayes who coached Ohio State for 27 years.)
"Ohio State had lost a bowl game, so Earl Bruce brings in Woody Hayes to the locker room. I had been there just a week and I'm thinking, 'Holy smokes, this is Coach Hayes!' I'm sitting in the back. Coach Hayes was not healthy at the time, but stands up and starts laying into the coaching staff about toughness. That we have no toughness in the program. That's why we lost the game. On and on and screaming, this old guy pounding the table. He screams, 'We have no toughness, and the reason is because you're not tough. No one on this staff is tough enough, and that's a problem.'
"He reaches down and grabs this box, slides the top off, and there was something in the box moving around. He reaches in and he pulls out this turtle. He reaches down, this turtle's snapping and he says, 'I'm going to show you toughness.' He unzips his pants and takes out whatever he takes out. The turtle reaches up and snaps at him. You see the veins and the sweat (on Hayes). He screams at the coaches, 'That's toughness! That's f'n toughness!' He reaches down, pokes the turtle right in the eye and it falls off. He wipes the sweat off his forehead and says, 'That's the problem. We don't have anybody in this room tough enough to do that right there.’
"One assistant raises his hand and says, 'Coach, I'd do this. Just promise not to poke me in the eye.'"
While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?' Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.
About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?"
The man says, "Yes."
"How close did you get before she answered?"
"Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said, 'For the FIFTH TIME...WHAT???'"
Already been posted.
When I heard that one years ago, the punchline was, "Well some people can tell a joke, and some can't."
Paint By Number Coin ?
It's Superbowl Sunday "and"
I'm much older since the first time it was posted.
Perhaps abbreviations would be more helpful for me?
ABP = Already been posted.
FTFT = Funnier the first time.
WTTEBC = Will this thread end before Covid ?
ILTWITIB = I like the way I told it better.
hey @jkrk
FYI, the one bout the hearing ABP and furthermore it was FTFT
