I was sitting on our couch reading when my wife sweetly whispered, "The
best part of this COVID isolation is I get to spend more time with you."
I turned and smiled lovingly at her only to realize she was talking to the
dog!
Actual (and funny) classified ads
WASHER & DRYER $250
Must sell! Joining a nudist colony.
YORKSHIRE TERRIER FREE
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once... by mistake.
COWS AND CALVES FOR SALE
Never bred. Also, one gay bull.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?”
"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled....... Now, back off..... or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
Anyway, reminds of the time years ago I was going into this bank to get a customers check cashed, they were always 10 to 12K and so I was always nervous if they would cash it or not, didn't have an account there yada yada yada.
So, I'm making small talk with the two teller ladies trying to play it cool. And while my teller is counting out the cash I noticed she was pregnant (or at least I thought, LOL). So I was like, when's the baby due?...........................
Defining silence......She stopped counting.....they looked at eachother then looked back at me.......
More silence........
I don't think she ever said anything, if she did I didn't hear it........
Never went back, lol.
The Lovely Mrs. Hydrant committed the same "faux pas." I wanted to crawl under a rock. But....the lady in question handled it very tactfully. Her reply......,"No, I'm just fat."
O.k., this will be the last " Lovely Mrs. Hydrant" reference for awhile but I just have to get this one out. She also pulled a stunt similar to the one above. This happened a few years ago. We were together and she went into a store to buy something. Probably a six-pack for me and a bottle of vino for herself. We were on a road trip. I waited in the car. On her way out she bent over and picked something up. It was a "girly mag." Use your imagination. She got back in the car and started checking it out. She's a fun girl. Anyway, another car pulled up to the store. A man and woman were inside it. They both got out and went inside. Then....why?.....she went over to the other couple's car and threw the magazine onto the back seat. She came back to our car and said, "Let's wait and see what happens." She's funny that way. So......the other couple come back out of the store and the woman sees the magazine on the back seat. Well,.....she started giving the man a dose of Hell. The Lovely Mrs Hydrant thought it was a hoot! O.k., I'm married to an airhead. But I like it. It's her most endearing quality. Well one of.
O.k., this will be the last " Lovely Mrs. Hydrant" reference for awhile but I just have to get this one out. She also pulled a stunt similar to the one above. This happened a few years ago. We were together and she went into a store to buy something. Probably a six-pack for me and a bottle of vino for herself. We were on a road trip. I waited in the car. On her way out she bent over and picked something up. It was a "girly mag." Use your imagination. She got back in the car and started checking it out. She's a fun girl. Anyway, another car pulled up to the store. A man and woman were inside it. They both got out and went inside. Then....why?.....she went over to the other couple's car and threw the magazine onto the back seat. She came back to our car and said, "Let's wait and see what happens." She's funny that way. So......the other couple come back out of the store and the woman sees the magazine on the back seat. Well,.....she started giving the man a dose of Hell. The Lovely Mrs Hydrant thought it was a hoot! O.k., I'm married to an airhead. But I like it. It's her most endearing quality. Well one of.
Having not seen my cousin in a very long time, I spotted him while shopping one day. I had never met his girlfriend at the time. I walked up to him and he immediately introduced her to me. I looked at him with a confused look on my face and asked, "so who was that blonde I seen you with the other day?" I thought I was hilarious until I found out he had been seeing a blonde on the side.
"May the silver waves that bear you heavenward be filled with love’s whisperings"
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He then returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
@hammer1 said:
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He then returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
Hysterical
Be honest, this had to have happened to you right?
@hammer1 said:
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He then returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
Hysterical
Be honest, this had to have happened to you right?
To be honest the guy told me to get the ….. off his kid's swing set.
"I hereby read out my last will and testament. To my loving wife I leave my house and my money. To my son, who has made me so proud, I leave my classic 1970s Jaguar car. And finally, to my younger brother Ian, who always complained that I would never mention him in my will... you’re wrong. Hi Ian!"
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a Jewish synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen any squirrels on their property since.
GETTING OLD
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim.” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager): I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great!
Comments
@vplite99
That's a great one
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I was sitting on our couch reading when my wife sweetly whispered, "The
best part of this COVID isolation is I get to spend more time with you."
I turned and smiled lovingly at her only to realize she was talking to the
dog!
Actual (and funny) classified ads
WASHER & DRYER $250
Must sell! Joining a nudist colony.
YORKSHIRE TERRIER FREE
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once... by mistake.
COWS AND CALVES FOR SALE
Never bred. Also, one gay bull.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse. "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head. "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?” "My guess is that she's still in the ditch."It's not "funny" but I love this song by BNL
Barenaked Ladies "Big Bang" Live At Red Rocks
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Cheers, RickO
How was that ?
Cowboy at the Pearly Gates
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled....... Now, back off..... or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago.”
Cheers, RickO
Used to be someone on here with an icon of a small moving bug about the size of a gnat. That one got me a lot of times.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
U.S. Type Set
>
The Lovely Mrs. Hydrant committed the same "faux pas." I wanted to crawl under a rock. But....the lady in question handled it very tactfully. Her reply......,"No, I'm just fat."
O.k., this will be the last " Lovely Mrs. Hydrant" reference for awhile but I just have to get this one out. She also pulled a stunt similar to the one above. This happened a few years ago. We were together and she went into a store to buy something. Probably a six-pack for me and a bottle of vino for herself. We were on a road trip. I waited in the car. On her way out she bent over and picked something up. It was a "girly mag." Use your imagination. She got back in the car and started checking it out. She's a fun girl. Anyway, another car pulled up to the store. A man and woman were inside it. They both got out and went inside. Then....why?.....she went over to the other couple's car and threw the magazine onto the back seat. She came back to our car and said, "Let's wait and see what happens." She's funny that way. So......the other couple come back out of the store and the woman sees the magazine on the back seat. Well,.....she started giving the man a dose of Hell. The Lovely Mrs Hydrant thought it was a hoot! O.k., I'm married to an airhead. But I like it. It's her most endearing quality. Well one of.
Pete
Cheers, RickO
Having not seen my cousin in a very long time, I spotted him while shopping one day. I had never met his girlfriend at the time. I walked up to him and he immediately introduced her to me. I looked at him with a confused look on my face and asked, "so who was that blonde I seen you with the other day?"
I thought I was hilarious until I found out he had been seeing a blonde on the side. 
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Hey, 1Mike1. It's called "Foot-In-Mouth-Disease." It's as common as the Cold.
Hey, Barndog. and Northcoin you made it!
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He then returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
Pete
Sorry, dupe.
Hysterical
Be honest, this had to have happened to you right?
U.S. Type Set
Great thread, enjoyable several month ride to actually get to last/current page. Can't believe this 14 second video has not been shown already:
If we were all the same, the world would be an incredibly boring place.
Tommy
To be honest the guy told me to get the ….. off his kid's swing set.
Nice
NO ONE NOTICE ? That they rubbed 1 off in the elevator?
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
I can’t understand why they would not let you on the plane🙈🙈
Lafayette Grading Set
U.S. Type Set
Pete
"I hereby read out my last will and testament. To my loving wife I leave my house and my money. To my son, who has made me so proud, I leave my classic 1970s Jaguar car. And finally, to my younger brother Ian, who always complained that I would never mention him in my will... you’re wrong. Hi Ian!"
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a Jewish synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen any squirrels on their property since.
Scientists recently announced that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
GETTING OLD
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim.” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager): I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great!
Did anyone post this before ? I can't remember.
Clint Eastwood
Donald Sutherland
Tank Lamota
Is this how Toy Story started ?
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