"I hereby read out my last will and testament. To my loving wife I leave my house and my money. To my son, who has made me so proud, I leave my classic 1970s Jaguar car. And finally, to my younger brother Ian, who always complained that I would never mention him in my will... you’re wrong. Hi Ian!"
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a Jewish synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen any squirrels on their property since.
GETTING OLD
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim.” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager): I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great!
Lol!!! I think maybe folks think I posted this because I'm sad about something... this was actually one of my favorite Larson's from childhood and I recently stumbled into it online....Everything's ok, I know my long-term girlfriend loves me
Coins are Neato!
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone...somewhere...is making a penny." - Steven Wright
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled....... Now, back off..... or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
@jkrk said:
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled....... Now, back off..... or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago.”
Come on man, I posted this same joke "just" 4 days ago.... Just go back one page....
So this city slicker moves to the country to retire and while he settling into his new cabin in the woods he noticed a man walking up to the front porch. The mountain man says "Just wanted to welcome you to the area and invite you to a party tomorrow night"
City slicker - We'll I don't know, I've never been to a good 'ol boys party, what's it like?
Mountain man - Oh, you know the usual things like drinking some moonshine, a few fist fights there's definitely gonna be some love makin before morning.
City slicker - Wow! that sounds pretty bizarre, okay, what should I wear?
Mountain man - You can wear any damn thing you want, me and you are the only one's gonna be there.
Sometimes I think that animals are smarter than humans, animals would never allow the dumbest one to lead the pack
@jkrk said:
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled....... Now, back off..... or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago.”
Come on man, I posted this same joke "just" 4 days ago.... Just go back one page....
Cut me some slack.
Retirement is great.
This week I learned how to copy and paste.
Next week they said they would teach me how to read so I won't make that mistake again.
I'm not sure if that's a 994H or K (or potentially a one off) but it probably burns 12+ gallons per hour. So if distance is your goal, you can probably get a little more than 1mpg out of it...maybe 2 if it's really flat or mostly downhill.
I've used one a little smaller than that one. They're a lot of fun.
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Starbucks.
"My arms have become so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an X at election time because my hands are so
crippled", volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you", said one elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said another, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive."
Comments
Pete
"I hereby read out my last will and testament. To my loving wife I leave my house and my money. To my son, who has made me so proud, I leave my classic 1970s Jaguar car. And finally, to my younger brother Ian, who always complained that I would never mention him in my will... you’re wrong. Hi Ian!"
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church, and a Jewish synagogue.
Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen any squirrels on their property since.
Scientists recently announced that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
GETTING OLD
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim.” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights." I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager): I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great!
Did anyone post this before ? I can't remember.
Clint Eastwood
Donald Sutherland
Tank Lamota
Is this how Toy Story started ?
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my choice would not include Moe, Larry or Curly
Kennedys are my quest...
If smoeone posted this already, shaddup. It's funnier this time.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you ..
but it's still on my list
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of
Emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
@1630Boston said:
Chuck Norris....
Cheers, RickO
Me, Myself and I
[no witnesses]
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
U.S. Type Set
Whatever I'm able to get out by myself in 3 hours will be more than enough to live comfortably the rest of my life.
Great transactions with oih82w8, JasonGaming, Moose1913.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
The first 18 wheeler driver I can flag down and a couple young bucks like Ricko and Keets to help me load it
One guy with a big rig truck, two guys with forklifts and I would be standing there yelling hurry up.
Ya Know, I'm trying to keep my sanity in this hobby and then this comes along.
You gotta laugh, and just throw s..
anity to the wind.
Lol!!! I think maybe folks think I posted this because I'm sad about something... this was actually one of my favorite Larson's from childhood and I recently stumbled into it online....Everything's ok, I know my long-term girlfriend loves me
Coins are Neato!
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone...somewhere...is making a penny." - Steven Wright
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled....... Now, back off..... or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago.”
The guy that owns this.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
I like the flag on the pickup----so that the loader operator can see that the pu is in the bucket while seated in the cab
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Come on man, I posted this same joke "just" 4 days ago.... Just go back one page....
MPG on that CAT?
Kennedys are my quest...
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
less than one bar of gold per day?
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
The MPG measure would be Meters per Gallon with that monster CAT!
So this city slicker moves to the country to retire and while he settling into his new cabin in the woods he noticed a man walking up to the front porch. The mountain man says "Just wanted to welcome you to the area and invite you to a party tomorrow night"
City slicker - We'll I don't know, I've never been to a good 'ol boys party, what's it like?
Mountain man - Oh, you know the usual things like drinking some moonshine, a few fist fights there's definitely gonna be some love makin before morning.
City slicker - Wow! that sounds pretty bizarre, okay, what should I wear?
Mountain man - You can wear any damn thing you want, me and you are the only one's gonna be there.
Sometimes I think that animals are smarter than humans, animals would never allow the dumbest one to lead the pack
Cut me some slack.
Retirement is great.
This week I learned how to copy and paste.
Next week they said they would teach me how to read so I won't make that mistake again.
I'm not sure if that's a 994H or K (or potentially a one off) but it probably burns 12+ gallons per hour. So if distance is your goal, you can probably get a little more than 1mpg out of it...maybe 2 if it's really flat or mostly downhill.
I've used one a little smaller than that one. They're a lot of fun.
Cheers, RickO
Pete
Ain't this the truth?
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Starbucks.
"My arms have become so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an X at election time because my hands are so
crippled", volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you", said one elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said another, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive."
Not sure
but if that's a CAT 994F it weighs a little over 200 ton
fuel useage is measured in tons/hour or in hours of operation.
big machine
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Louis Armstrong
Cheers, RickO
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Cheers, RickO
After my prostate exam, the doctor left.
Then the nurse came in.
As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear; “Who was that?”
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