True story.
I was setting the dinner table with my new bride directing me how she wanted it done.
With the glasses full of ice, I started to fill each glass.
Suddenly she cries out, "Dont fill them all the way up, when the ice melts they will over flow".
My thoughts...
"What have I done"?
So very true story.
@emeraldATV said:
True story.
I was setting the dinner table with my new bride directing me how she wanted it done.
With the glasses full of ice, I started to fill each glass.
Suddenly she cries out, "Dont fill them all the way up, when the ice melts they will over flow".
My thoughts...
"What have I done"?
So very true story.
And, actually, the glasses would have been slightly less full after the ice had melted...
A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.
Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a stall far off in the distance.
Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the stall only to find a little old man selling ties.
The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?“
The old replies, “No I don’t have any water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.“
The warrior is irritated by his response and says, “No! I don’t need an over-priced tie right now. I need water! You realize I’m armed? I could kill you. However I must find water first.“
“Alright” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me. I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have all the ice cold water you need. God be with you“.
Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.
Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.
A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."
Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a pond. One yells to the other.
How do I get to the other side?
The second blonde thinks awhile and then yells back.
You’re already there !
Actor Tom Hanks and his wife got sick in Australia and their problem became a celebrity news story.
It was revealed that Tom Hanks was in Australia making a movie about Elvis Presley.
Elvis Presley - Australia?
You ain't nothin but a Dingo crying all the time
Baby let me be your lovin' Koala Bear
500 lawyers went overboard in shark-infested waters when the cruise ship they were partying on sank. Not a single lawyer was bitten. The sharks said it was professional courtesy.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, how would you tell her that you have to go the bathroom?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you to after dinner.'
Little Johnny is now a successful politician.
Cheers, RickO
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary
to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing
trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there
was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope
noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby
jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a
twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish rugby
tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the
men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it
instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the
water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled
the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead
shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic
shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them
reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that
there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and
England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can
see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony
and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He
blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows jack squat about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Cheers, RickO
Comments
I like this thread. Keep the jokes coming.
True story.
I was setting the dinner table with my new bride directing me how she wanted it done.
With the glasses full of ice, I started to fill each glass.
Suddenly she cries out, "Dont fill them all the way up, when the ice melts they will over flow".
My thoughts...
"What have I done"?
So very true story.
And, actually, the glasses would have been slightly less full after the ice had melted...
Smitten with DBLCs.
Yup...I enjoy it every AM. Don't like it? Don't read it? Simple.....
Pete
I agree 100%. Laugh now, you may not get another chance!
To an engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needed to be.
😜 - I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight!
👨👩👧👦 - Can someone tell me if the 2nd quarantine will be with the same family .... or we can change?
A fleeing warrior is lost in the desert and he’s in desperate need of water.
Suddenly he sees what he thinks is a stall far off in the distance.
Hoping he might find water there, he hurries towards the stall only to find a little old man selling ties.
The warrior asks, “Do you have any water?“
The old replies, “No I don’t have any water. Would you like to buy a tie? They’re only $5.“
The warrior is irritated by his response and says, “No! I don’t need an over-priced tie right now. I need water! You realize I’m armed? I could kill you. However I must find water first.“
“Alright” says the old man, “It doesn’t matter to me that you don’t want to buy a tie and that you don’t like me. I will show you that I’m the bigger person. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant, owned by my brother. It will have all the ice cold water you need. God be with you“.
Muttering, the warrior staggers off over the hill.
Several hours later he staggers back, almost dead.
“Your brother won’t let me in without a tie.“
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
This thread should stay until the last one of us gets the vaccine.
Now, THAT is sick humor, but brings smiles, hereabouts.
@Kirk222 Did you try looking in your inbox? 😉
I think all blondes were once brunettes.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
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A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a pond. One yells to the other.
How do I get to the other side?
The second blonde thinks awhile and then yells back.
You’re already there !
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Pete
A FEW WORDS FROM THE VISIONARY STEVEN WRIGHT:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for
you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be
on
it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never
tried
before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of
payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
U.S. Type Set
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Actor Tom Hanks and his wife got sick in Australia and their problem became a celebrity news story.
It was revealed that Tom Hanks was in Australia making a movie about Elvis Presley.
Elvis Presley - Australia?
You ain't nothin but a Dingo crying all the time
Baby let me be your lovin' Koala Bear
The Mysterious Egyptian Magic Coin
Coins in Movies
Coins on Television
@SkyMan , these are great!
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you.... but it's still on my list.
Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up.... we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify...." I answered, "a doctor."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Going to church doesn't make you religious any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
I think it's more like 99.9% !
Reminds me of an Anthony Jeselnik joke:
I've spent the last two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.......... but no one will do it.
500 lawyers went overboard in shark-infested waters when the cruise ship they were partying on sank. Not a single lawyer was bitten. The sharks said it was professional courtesy.
During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, how would you tell her that you have to go the bathroom?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you to after dinner.'
Little Johnny is now a successful politician.
Cheers, RickO
😂😂😂
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Pete
4 out of 3 people struggle with math.
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary
to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing
trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there
was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope
noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English Rugby
jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a
twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish rugby
tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the
men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it
instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the
water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled
the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead
shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic
shouting from the shore.
It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them
reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that
there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide Scotland and
England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can
see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony
and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow." He
blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows jack squat about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
U.S. Type Set
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Marines always get the gorgeous ones.
Always cracks me up
Cheers, RickO
Pete
Proof that sea levels are rising.