@ms70 said:
So if that plane is flying at 1mph UNDER the speed of sound, and you run from the back to the front at 3mph, are you breaking the sound barrier OR being the first to travel faster than sound WITHOUT breaking the sound barrier?
This was the sort of post that would have led to six months of rejoinders back in the old Open Forum days.
What if you were in the aisle of the plane and jumped up in the air......would you be slammed into the cockpit door?
Since the virus hit I have been sheltering in place. They barely let me go outside.
Can you refresh my memory and tell me what a plane is?
A guy meets a prostitute in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’
The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left anote for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. Hethought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door toclarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill mybathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young andbeautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."
There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.
Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café.
When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
'Ma'am,' they said, 'we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper.'
Before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: 'Oh sorry about that.'
She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
@ricko said:
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left anote for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. Hethought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door toclarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill mybathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young andbeautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."
@ms70 said:
So if that plane is flying at 1mph UNDER the speed of sound, and you run from the back to the front at 3mph, are you breaking the sound barrier OR being the first to travel faster than sound WITHOUT breaking the sound barrier?
This was the sort of post that would have led to six months of rejoinders back in the old Open Forum days.
What if you were in the aisle of the plane and jumped up in the air......would you be slammed into the cockpit door?
Since the virus hit I have been sheltering in place. They barely let me go outside.
Can you refresh my memory and tell me what a plane is?
Your better off not knowing IMO. I’ve played with jets forty hours a week for 26 years and I can’t wait for the day I can ask your question. Hopefully next year:)
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all!" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Cheers, RickO
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the
rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the
Quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Cheers, RickO
@ms70 said:
So if that plane is flying at 1mph UNDER the speed of sound, and you run from the back to the front at 3mph, are you breaking the sound barrier OR being the first to travel faster than sound WITHOUT breaking the sound barrier?
This was the sort of post that would have led to six months of rejoinders back in the old Open Forum days.
What if you were in the aisle of the plane and jumped up in the air......would you be slammed into the cockpit door?
Since the virus hit I have been sheltering in place. They barely let me go outside.
Can you refresh my memory and tell me what a plane is?
Your better off not knowing IMO. I’ve played with jets forty hours a week for 26 years and I can’t wait for the day I can ask your question. Hopefully next year:)
The time will go relatively quick and you'll probably yearn for the past.
Do you believe in life after death?' the boss asked one of his employees.
'Yes, sir,' the clerk replied.
'That's good,' the boss said. 'After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.'
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, 'Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?'
'You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.'
'Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. 'Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, Times up!'
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I
have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have
some fun?' "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a
solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house
and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught
to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise
and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's
house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male
parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have
some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
An old man lived alone in New York.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work
as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?"
He answers, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down!" she snips.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff:..
Spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Allie was left.
"Allie, do you have a story to share?" ask the teacher.
Allie answered...
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy....
She was a Navy Chief in Desert Storm, and her plane she was riding in got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher....what did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
Allied replied....
"Don't MESS with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Cheers, RickO
Comments
Pete
Since the virus hit I have been sheltering in place. They barely let me go outside.
Can you refresh my memory and tell me what a plane is?
@hammer1 ....
Ride 'em Cowbird..... 
Cheers, RickO
The surfing bird.
A guy meets a prostitute in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’
The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
Cheers, RickO
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left anote for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. Hethought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door toclarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill mybathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young andbeautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."
Cheers, RickO
There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco.
Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café.
When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
'Ma'am,' they said, 'we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper.'
Before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: 'Oh sorry about that.'
She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
What can we expect? No masks and no social distancing.
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
I seriously burst out laughing.😂
NLH
End Systemic Elitism - It Takes All Of Us
Took me a minute...
Smitten with DBLCs.
A lady is sitting, at her husband's funeral.
A close friend approaches: "May I say a word?" She says, "Of course."
The man approaches the podium: "Plethora," and returns to his seat beside the widow.
The widow says, "Thank you. That means a lot."
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Your better off not knowing IMO. I’ve played with jets forty hours a week for 26 years and I can’t wait for the day I can ask your question. Hopefully next year:)
Pete
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Check est .date
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
Cheers, RickO
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all!" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Cheers, RickO
Cheers, RickO
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”
‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'
‘She just died and left me everything.'
What do coin dealers do with all of their extra free time?
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the
rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the
Quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo?
It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Cheers, RickO
Confucius say,
Man who go through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Pete
The time will go relatively quick and you'll probably yearn for the past.
I still remember the stewardesses of my youth.
Do you believe in life after death?' the boss asked one of his employees.
'Yes, sir,' the clerk replied.
'That's good,' the boss said. 'After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.'
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, 'Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?'
'You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.'
'Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. 'Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, Times up!'
!
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I
have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have
some fun?' "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a
solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house
and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught
to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop
saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise
and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's
house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male
parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have
some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
U.S. Type Set
An old man lived alone in New York.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work
as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie
@braddick - I laughed so hard I cried!!!
Dave
Pete
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?"
He answers, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down!" she snips.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"
That's funny. They misspelled Hooter!
Confucius say;
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Pete
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff:..
Spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Allie was left.
"Allie, do you have a story to share?" ask the teacher.
Allie answered...
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy....
She was a Navy Chief in Desert Storm, and her plane she was riding in got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher....what did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
Allied replied....
"Don't MESS with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Cheers, RickO
🦸🏻♂- Not even in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself entering a Bank, wearing a mask and asking for money.
😷 - I’m starting to like this mask thing .... went to the supermarket and two people that I owe money to didn’t recognize me.