A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
@ricko said:
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Some guy had to go on an overnight business trip even though his wife hated to stay home alone. As a joke before he left, he told Alexa "Wake up call at 2AM using horror movie sounds."
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value---zero."----Voltaire
"Everything you say should be true, but not everything true should be said."----Voltaire
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.
She replied, ‘Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?'
Nay,’ Jock replied
‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
She said, "I have some really great news! I'm pregnant!!!"
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said "Well, I went to Chemist and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
oih82w8 = Oh I Hate To Wait _defectus patientia_aka...Dr. Defecto - Curator of RMO's
A man and his wife is at home relaxing on a Saturday morning when the wife decides to make breakfast.
The wife starts to fry some eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, the husband burst into the kitchen....
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him and says....
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The man calmly replied....
'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
SERIOUSLY! - why do we not have this yet. we have pedestrians taking rides in space ships and d.t. as pres. but no ctrl+alt+del !! what is this world coming to....
Classified ad
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopædia Britannica. All 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $250 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows everything.
ETERNAL TRUTHS
1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.
7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8) We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our
sails.
9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.
10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you
again?
11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
30) Experience is a wonderful thing- it enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
33) Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"
Alternative punch-line: "That happened when I tried to call for an ambulance."
Comments
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My UPS man knows how to do lunch right
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My YouTube Channel
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Cheers, RickO
Amen.
Why didn't he just ask Alexa or Siri to wake him?
Smitten with DBLCs.
@Aotearoa.... Alexa and Siri are female, they would have sided with the wife...and only messaged him. Cheers, RickO
Maybe he doesn't have internet where he lives at?
I do not have Alexa or Siri, but if I did I would want to, instead of asking "Alexa" could it be reprogramed to ask "Computer" like in Star Trek?
I would prefer to talk with Hal from 2001, A Space Odyssey.
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.
Some guy had to go on an overnight business trip even though his wife hated to stay home alone. As a joke before he left, he told Alexa "Wake up call at 2AM using horror movie sounds."
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"Paper money eventually returns to its intrinsic value---zero."----Voltaire
"Everything you say should be true, but not everything true should be said."----Voltaire
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.
She replied, ‘Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?'
Nay,’ Jock replied
‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
She said, "I have some really great news! I'm pregnant!!!"
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said "Well, I went to Chemist and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
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A man and his wife is at home relaxing on a Saturday morning when the wife decides to make breakfast.
The wife starts to fry some eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, the husband burst into the kitchen....
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him and says....
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The man calmly replied....
'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Cheers, RickO
If 2020 was a math problem:
If you're going down the train tracks at 2mph and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your rhinoceros?
Pete
lol
lol
lol
We need a LOT of humor after the way this day has started!
lol
yes agreed, me thinks my math problem was a bomb.
Gotta find another blond joke,
or
something @hammer1 posted a few weeks ago 😂
None, Rhinos have there own shingles / body armor
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
SERIOUSLY! - why do we not have this yet. we have pedestrians taking rides in space ships and d.t. as pres. but no ctrl+alt+del !! what is this world coming to....
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half mast?
A: They're hiring.
U.S. Type Set
Futuristic car image.. (1962). !!!
Guess they sold the idea to the Vatican:
I agree @Kirk222 !
I caught my son chewing electrical cords
So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.
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Looking for a good joke?
DOUBLE EDGE RAZOR BLADES.
GRENADE THROW FAILS
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Classified ad
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopædia Britannica. All 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. $250 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows everything.
Pete
ETERNAL TRUTHS
1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3) If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6) I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't
trust me so much.
7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8) We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our
sails.
9) Some days are a total waste of makeup.
10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you
again?
11) If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
12) If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
14) Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
28) Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.
29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
30) Experience is a wonderful thing- it enables you to recognize a mistake
when you make it again.
31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
33) Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make
them all yourself.
U.S. Type Set
Anyone driving faster than you is a maniac,
Anyone driving slower than you is an idiot.
Everytime
Ears, reminds me
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"
a blonde lady with a Tesla in a gas station for refill
https://youtu.be/fnoCdQLWemM
.
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
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Alternative punch-line: "That happened when I tried to call for an ambulance."
Smitten with DBLCs.
YUCK!
I would be all up in arms about that pitiful job!
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