Jest for Laughs
Possible (but improbable) Corporate Mergers
3M will join Goodyear to become MMMGood.
FedEx may merge with its competitor UPS to form FedUp.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become
Fairwell Honeychild.
Grey Poupon and Docker Pants will join forces as
PouponPants.
Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will merge to become Knott NOW.
The world has turned upside down: Old folks are sneaking out of
the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
This virus has done what no woman has been able to do: Cancel
all sports. Shut down all bars. And keep men at home!
Staying at home has turned us into dogs: We roam the house
looking for food. We're told “No!” if we get too close to strangers.
And we get really excited about car rides. Meanwhile, the dog
looks at us like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
Lexophilia
To try to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he
claims he can stop anytime.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When you've got a bladder infection, urine trouble.
A Will is a dead giveaway
sometimes I read my daily horoscope.
Yesterday it said: you have a person who secretly loves you. However you need to be careful about it as there are others who also have their eyes on you.
well guess what: yesterday late, my very first GF after I arrived in Canada from Europe, contacted me. told me she wanted to get together for some fun....(after55 years..???)
@YQQ said:
sometimes I read my daily horoscope.
Yesterday it said: you have a person who secretly loves you. However you need to be careful about it as there are others who also have their eyes on you.
well guess what: yesterday late, my very first GF after I arrived in Canada from Europe, contacted me. told me she wanted to get together for some fun....(after55 years..???)
Anyone ever order a pair of the x-ray glasses? While not in this add they were everywhere. Even if they didn't work I bet they would make the girls run!
@hammer1 said:
Remember the Johnson Smith catalogs?
@hammer1 said:
Remember the Johnson Smith catalogs?
Remember them?
Yes I do.
When the new ones would come my brother and I would actually fight over who would look at it first.
Amazes me now to think that their catalog was worth fighting over (the world sure looks different through an eight year old's eyes....or at least it did back then.)
🙄
(From back when there were dormitories and people went on dates )
At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night.
One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am, I'm her mother!"
A kid in our high school's dad was a mortician and let him drive the hearse as his personal vehicle. Always driving around town on Friday/Saturday night. Guess there was plenty of room in the back "seat".
@shorecoll said:
A kid in our high school's dad was a mortician and let him drive the hearse as his personal vehicle. Always driving around town on Friday/Saturday night. Guess there was plenty of room in the back "seat".
For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them "thumbs up" and tell them I "like" them.
And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychologist.
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a popular small-town bar.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud driver. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
There was a local man that used to work on cars and pickups here in the area. He was a jumpy man and always getting tricks played on him. He worked in the garage at a local vehicle department. The salesman there took advantage of the local funeral home one day bringing the hearse in to the garage to be looked at, they left an empty casket in the back, the man took it for a drive to see if he could hear the engine making the noise that the funeral home was trying to tell him about. After driving down the road the salesman opened the casket, jumped out and started talking to the other man who got scared and passed out and ran off the road doing several hundred in damage to the hearse. Now we are talking about the '70's.
No, neither one lost their job and the owner of the vehicle department thought it was funny, he paid for the repairs!
@shorecoll said:
A kid in our high school's dad was a mortician and let him drive the hearse as his personal vehicle. Always driving around town on Friday/Saturday night. Guess there was plenty of room in the back "seat".
Wouldn't have been Robert E Lee HS in Midland, TX 1981?
While in college I was tasked with doing a report on youth in Asia. I spent several hours before finishing up and was proud to hand my report in. The next day it was handed back with a note written in red "EUTHANASIA, not YOUTH IN ASIA".
"May the silver waves that bear you heavenward be filled with love’s whisperings"
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
In Gene Kranz' book, "Failure is not an Option". I'm condensing/paraphrasing.
One of the people who worked at NASA Mission Control in Houston had a lot of kids, so in order to be able to fit them all in a vehicle he bought a hearse. Whenever a mission was successfully completed all the mission control people would celebrate at a bar. They'd then have the owner of the hearse put it's lights on and lead them single file with their lights on through Houston to their homes. The Houston police always thought it was a funeral and never bothered any of the drivers.
Comments
Jest for Laughs
Possible (but improbable) Corporate Mergers
3M will join Goodyear to become MMMGood.
FedEx may merge with its competitor UPS to form FedUp.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become
Fairwell Honeychild.
Grey Poupon and Docker Pants will join forces as
PouponPants.
Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will merge to become Knott NOW.
The world has turned upside down: Old folks are sneaking out of
the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
This virus has done what no woman has been able to do: Cancel
all sports. Shut down all bars. And keep men at home!
Staying at home has turned us into dogs: We roam the house
looking for food. We're told “No!” if we get too close to strangers.
And we get really excited about car rides. Meanwhile, the dog
looks at us like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
Lexophilia
To try to write with a broken pencil is pointless.
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he
claims he can stop anytime.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When you've got a bladder infection, urine trouble.
A Will is a dead giveaway
^ and the not so classy.
Another classic far side.
Rerun.....see page 16...morgandollar1878 beat you to it.
I laughed each time I read it!
Definitely a classic. Especially if you are a pet owner.
Two guys are talking, one says my wife is an angel. The other says you are lucky, mine is still alive.
If you're sitting in public, and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and ask, "Did you bring the money?"
sometimes I read my daily horoscope.
Yesterday it said: you have a person who secretly loves you. However you need to be careful about it as there are others who also have their eyes on you.
well guess what: yesterday late, my very first GF after I arrived in Canada from Europe, contacted me. told me she wanted to get together for some fun....(after55 years..???)
the older the violin the sweeter the music.
Remember these ads from the 1960's -different times back then
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Remember the Johnson Smith catalogs?
Johnson Smith just closed last year. 105 years in business. Gone and not Covid related...now they have lots of company.
Anyone ever order a pair of the x-ray glasses? While not in this add they were everywhere. Even if they didn't work I bet they would make the girls run!
Did you know that Atheism is a non-prophet organization?
Dave
Remember them?
Yes I do.
When the new ones would come my brother and I would actually fight over who would look at it first.
Amazes me now to think that their catalog was worth fighting over (the world sure looks different through an eight year old's eyes....or at least it did back then.)
🙄
Feel like a cruise?
(From back when there were dormitories and people went on dates )
At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night.
One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am, I'm her mother!"
A kid in our high school's dad was a mortician and let him drive the hearse as his personal vehicle. Always driving around town on Friday/Saturday night. Guess there was plenty of room in the back "seat".
Sounds like a Six Feet Under episode!
A Senior's Version of Facebook:
For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them "thumbs up" and tell them I "like" them.
And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychologist.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a popular small-town bar.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyser equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud driver. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
In LA there are cops that specialize in giving DUI's.
They wait until bar closing time, and pick off the easy targets.
They've been doing this since Hector was a pup.
Going with shorecoll and the hearse;
There was a local man that used to work on cars and pickups here in the area. He was a jumpy man and always getting tricks played on him. He worked in the garage at a local vehicle department. The salesman there took advantage of the local funeral home one day bringing the hearse in to the garage to be looked at, they left an empty casket in the back, the man took it for a drive to see if he could hear the engine making the noise that the funeral home was trying to tell him about. After driving down the road the salesman opened the casket, jumped out and started talking to the other man who got scared and passed out and ran off the road doing several hundred in damage to the hearse. Now we are talking about the '70's.
No, neither one lost their job and the owner of the vehicle department thought it was funny, he paid for the repairs!
Wouldn't have been Robert E Lee HS in Midland, TX 1981?
He would have wanted it that way
I am here right now
While in college I was tasked with doing a report on youth in Asia. I spent several hours before finishing up and was proud to hand my report in. The next day it was handed back with a note written in red "EUTHANASIA, not YOUTH IN ASIA".
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
In Gene Kranz' book, "Failure is not an Option". I'm condensing/paraphrasing.
One of the people who worked at NASA Mission Control in Houston had a lot of kids, so in order to be able to fit them all in a vehicle he bought a hearse. Whenever a mission was successfully completed all the mission control people would celebrate at a bar. They'd then have the owner of the hearse put it's lights on and lead them single file with their lights on through Houston to their homes. The Houston police always thought it was a funeral and never bothered any of the drivers.
U.S. Type Set
Failure is not an option. It's bundled with Windows 10.
Ladies (?) first
Dam, that low center of gravity makes them deadly!
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Some things are better left unsaid.
And I usually realize it right after I say them.
She would make one kick ass guard.
@ironmanl63 yes she would!
"What do you mean my road rash coin isn't a rare mint error. Can't you see the all of the extra letters stamped on it?".
OK , lets move on to lighter pastures, shall we?
Love the guy at the right of the screen, McDonald’s cup in hand, just watching. lol
My YouTube Channel
That's all you can do is watch.
Try protecting the guys you would end up on the floor.