The forum needs a little humor.

WildIdea

Stop don’t go any farther

It’s funny now! That sign was legit put up before the crash. Glass was all over the shop. July 5th 2015 thankfully, nobody in the shop. Driver was sober. Collision at intersection took out her wheel and when asked she said “I just let go and let Jesus take the wheel”. Ok! That’s a song right? Nobody hurt and we have a new awesome window there now.

Coinscratch

@Smudge said:
Spock found the captain’s log in the Enterprise toilet.

What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus wiping out Klingons.

emeraldATV

@Smudge said:
Spock found the captain’s log in the Enterprise toilet.

And the captain found Spock's ear in this thread.

hammer1

marcmoish

BuffaloIronTail

Pete

WillieBoyd2

Nero Sestertius - Roma Seated, Bronze, 33 mm, 22.48 gm

Why did Nero fiddle while Rome was burning?
Because golf wasn't invented.

No Headlights

A priest wakes up on Sunday. It’s a beautiful day. He starts thinking how nice it would be to go golfing
He ignores his conscious and calls a fellow priest saying he is too ill to do the service. The other priest graciously agrees to fill in for him
Off to the golf course he goes and tees up on the first hole 450 yards long. He hits the drive of his life and hits a hole in one
Meanwhile Christ and the Father are watching this all transpire. Jesus asks his father why he would reward the priest with a hole in one after abandoning his flock on the Sabbath. The Father reply’s
“Who is going to tell?”

hammer1

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. 'What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!', he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: 'Oh my God!...'

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying:

'You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light.

'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well, 'said the voice. The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful, Amen.'

abcde12345

BuffaloIronTail

Pete

hammer1

YQQ

Oh yes, it is actually flying in Germany
it is used for transport of 2 guests from and to the Airport.
the trick is where and when to invest...
put on your thinking cap and you know...
google Volocopter and you might get an Idea.....
I have been
on" this for 18 months...

dpoole

Keets walks into a bar with his dog Ricko.

Keets walks right up to the bar, turns to face the seated customers and says, “This is my dog Ricko and believe it or not, he’s a talking dog. If I can demonstrate to you that Ricko can answer any of my questions who will buy me a drink?“

“Listen buddy, if you can demonstrate that Ricko can talk, you can have a drink on the house,” says the bartender.

So Keets turns to Ricko and asks, “What goes on the top of a house?“

“Roof!” Ricko responds.

“What does tree bark feel like?” asks Keets.

“Rough!” says Ricko.

“Who was the greatest baseball player ever?” asks Keets.

“Ruth!” says Ricko.

The bartender is really unimpressed with what he’s hearing and he yells at Keets, “You’re a phony, pal. That dog's just barking. You and your dog get the hell out of here!"

As Keets and his dog are thrown out on to the street. Dog Ricko looks at Keets all confused, and says. “What the hell?! I shoulda said Joe DiMaggio?"

numbersman

Three older gentlemen are talking amongst themselves...one says "man,I hate being old! I get up at 7AM and I try to pee...I stand there and I push and pull and squeeze and barely a trickle-I hate being old!".The second man says "I also can't stand being so old! I get up at 7AM and I try to move my bowels...I sit and squeeze and press and barely a raisin comes out! I hate being so old!".The third man quickly agrees and says "Me too-can't stand it! I get up at 7AM and pee like a fountain.Then by 8AM I move my bowels and out it comes like a row of plums.Man...I hate being old!". The other 2 men are confused and ask the third "well, why is that so bad?" The third man says "because I don't get out of bed until 9".

Oldhoopster

A Priest, Doctor, and Engineer were waiting to Tee-off at the golf course. It was well past their Tee-Time, so they went to ask the Starter why there was a hold up.

The Starter said; “Sorry, but last year, when the clubhouse caught fire, 2 fireman lost their sight while saving the greenskeeper. In appreciation, we let them golf whenever they want. They’re slow, but they did so much, we don’t complain.”

“That’s wonderful,” said the Priest. “They sacrificed to help others. I’ll say extra prayers at Mass for them.”

“Amazing Story,” said the Doctor. “I have a friend who’s an Ophthalmologist. I’ll ask him if there is anything he can do to help them.”

The Engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

logger7

A NOT-RECOMMENDED AUTO SAFETY TIP
A woman had a flat tire on the highway. She eased her car to the shoulder. Carefully got out, and opened the trunk.
She then took out two cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of her car facing on-coming
traffic. They looked very lifelike, dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to
approaching drivers.
Cars started slowing down to look at her cardboard cutouts, and traffic began backing up. Drivers honked their
horns and waved like crazy. It wasn’t long before a state trooper pulled up behind.
He got out of his car and walked towards the woman. He was not a happy camper!
“What’s going on here?” he asked.
“My car has a flat tire,” she said calmly.
“Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing behind your car?”
“What? You don’t know? Those are my emergency flashers!”

jkrk

@dpoole said:
Keets walks into a bar with his dog Ricko.

Keets walks right up to the bar, turns to face the seated customers and says, “This is my dog Ricko and believe it or not, he’s a talking dog. If I can demonstrate to you that Ricko can answer any of my questions who will buy me a drink?“

“Listen buddy, if you can demonstrate that Ricko can talk, you can have a drink on the house,” says the bartender.

So Keets turns to Ricko and asks, “What goes on the top of a house?“

“Roof!” Ricko responds.

“What does tree bark feel like?” asks Keets.

“Rough!” says Ricko.

“Who was the greatest baseball player ever?” asks Keets.

“Ruth!” says Ricko.

The bartender is really unimpressed with what he’s hearing and he yells at Keets, “You’re a phony, pal. That dog's just barking. You and your dog get the hell out of here!"

As Keets and his dog are thrown out on to the street. Dog Ricko looks at Keets all confused, and says. “What the hell?! I shoulda said Joe DiMaggio?"

The punchline I remember was .... The man takes out chessboard and the two start playing chess... The bartender is stunned and says that's a "brilliant dog you have there. The man turns to the bartender and says, "He's not so brilliant. I beat him two games out of 3".

BuffaloIronTail

Pete

Oldhoopster

abcde12345

Do these silver dollars make me look fat?

Sonorandesertrat

@dpoole said:
Keets walks into a bar with his dog Ricko.

Keets walks right up to the bar, turns to face the seated customers and says, “This is my dog Ricko and believe it or not, he’s a talking dog. If I can demonstrate to you that Ricko can answer any of my questions who will buy me a drink?“

“Listen buddy, if you can demonstrate that Ricko can talk, you can have a drink on the house,” says the bartender.

So Keets turns to Ricko and asks, “What goes on the top of a house?“

“Roof!” Ricko responds.

“What does tree bark feel like?” asks Keets.

“Rough!” says Ricko.

“Who was the greatest baseball player ever?” asks Keets.

“Ruth!” says Ricko.

The bartender is really unimpressed with what he’s hearing and he yells at Keets, “You’re a phony, pal. That dog's just barking. You and your dog get the hell out of here!"

As Keets and his dog are thrown out on to the street. Dog Ricko looks at Keets all confused, and says. “What the hell?! I shoulda said Joe DiMaggio?"

From now on, whenever I reply to RickO, I will start with 'Joe DiMaggio'

Sonorandesertrat

@abcde12345 said:
Do these silver dollars make me look fat?

Not at all. Just cut back on the eye shadow.

bearcave

@ironmanl63 said:
My wife was asking me if her jeans make her ass look fat. I told her no. It is the fat that makes your ass look fat. The jeans are good.

I bet!! 😂

emeraldATV

Do these silver dollars make me look fat?
Hmm.?
POGS

Coinscratch

PHAT!

Oldhoopster

A Doctor, Lawyer, and Rabbi walk into a bar. The Bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The Bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve food.”

shorecoll

I remember winning an argument with my wife. I remember waking up on the floor with a black eye and a really bad headache, I think that means I won.

bearcave

@shorecoll said:
I remember winning an argument with my wife. I remember waking up on the floor with a black eye and a really bad headache, I think that means I won.

You have ba___ enough to argue? I need to come over to see how it's done!

jedm

I just received a text from my son that made me LOL.... hope you can find some humor in it:

Allah Akbar
Pivo Czechy
And sakaramishki

sung to the tune of God is great, beer is good and people are crazy

1Mike1

When I was younger and still in school, I told my mom "I need new shoes for gym". Mom replied "you tell Jim to get his own shoes"!

hammer1

new meaning to recycle

marcmoish

asheland

SkyMan

Outhaul

marcmoish

abcde12345

Keeping up with the present day news. . .

---

Outhaul

Two friends teed off on the local golf course. One pulled it into the brush on the left, the other shanked it into the woods on the right.

The guy on the right finds his ball in a nice lie in a small patch of buttercups with a perfect shot to the green. He addresses the ball, lines his shot up and makes perfect contact. All of a sudden he hears a tremendous crack behind him, turns around to look and sees a tall, slender woman in a billowing white robe, flowers in her hair and an impressive presence.

The guy blinks and asks, "Who the hell are you?" She replies, "I am mother nature. It has taken me centuries to perfect that patch of buttercups and you have wantonly destroyed them. For THAT, you have no butter for the rest of your life!" Then CRACK! She was gone.

Not believing what he had just experienced, he hollered to his friend, "Bill! Where are you?" Bill replied, "I'm over here in the pussy willows!"

He shouted back, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BILL, DON'T SWING!"

BuffaloIronTail

Last one. I hope these Far Sides I posted put a little fun into this stupid Covid thingy.

Pete

hammer1

abcde12345

OKbustchaser

hammer1

CCGGG

emeraldATV

YUP, Found NEMO!

Oldhoopster

My cat spends most of her day sleeping by the window. I bet this is what she dreams

hammer1

amwldcoin

I hate dem SOB's! We've even had them come up on our deck and dig in our potted plants. Needless to say I've shot quite a few of them. They must find it sexy cause one was laying on it's back with...ehmmm something at attention!

@hammer1 said:

Desert Moon

@amwldcoin said:
I hate dem SOB's! We've even had them come up on our deck and dig in our potted plants. Needless to say I've shot quite a few of them. They must find it sexy cause one was laying on it's back with...ehmmm something at attention!

@hammer1 said:

We love them, we have a family in the backyard right now with triplets. They work as a team digging up things and aerating our soil, the grass back there is very rich given their decade of work with that family and their kids over the years. They don't go into our pots though.......

Best, SH