What does a pirate pay for his earrings ? .............................................................................A buck an ear.
What did the mother buffalo say to her son before he crossed to another herd ?.........By son.
Why don't they play games in the jungle ? .......................................................................... because there are to many cheetahs.
What do you call someone who feeds birds ?......................................................................A birdfeeder.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she cried, “Stand in the corner!”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don't move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you're a statue.”
“What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it's a statue,” she replied. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”
These are apparently real conversations between pilots and towers.
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
A Cessna inbound at the reporting point over SYD.
Tower (Female controller): “Cessna WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I’m going to have to hold you over the Manly area.”
Cessna WYXD: “Oh, I love it when you talk dirty to me.”
Tower: “American 241, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
American 241: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Captain, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?”
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:
I’m damn bored!”
Ground Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was damn bored, not damn stupid!” (actually he used the F word.)
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this on the radio…
I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for take-off.”
and here is a link to an interesting video… for crews only. it is about 30 minutes long but well worth watching.
Warning: Some scenes are not suitable for everybody.
It shows some live footage of the cockpit with the pilots and Cabin crew fully aware they are going to crash. They were all aware of the worst possible outcome. The point is not what they did and what actions they took …. the point is the comments at the very end. There is definitely a lesson in it. Not just for Pilots. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=099cHWSbAL8&feature=youtu.be
Walker Proof Digital Album Fellas, leave the tight pants to the ladies. If I can count the coins in your pockets you better use them to call a tailor. Stay thirsty my friends......
My wife woke me up this morning claiming I was cheating on her and with an older woman.
I’m like, no way honey what are you possibly talking about?
Well, while you were sleeping last night you kept talking about an older woman and said she was lustrous, full bodied and nearly flawless.
Well, how do you know she was older?
You kept calling her Ms. Sixty eight.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.
Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this on the radio…
I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
That reminds me of an old joke:
Once shortly after World War II, a former British fighter pilot was invited to give a lecture at an English ladies' high tea.
"...and there I was flying over the Channel, when suddenly two Fokkers attacked me out of a cloud bank and..."
At that point all the ladies either screamed or fainted, with some reproaching the lecturer for using such vile language. All a-fluster, the Chairwoman scurried to the front:
"Ladies, ladies! The Captain would never use such language in your presence! 'Fokker' refers to a type of German combat aircraft. Is that not correct, Captain?"
"Yes, indeed, madam. But these fokkers were Messerschmidtts!"
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. An evil wizard had put a curse on the daughter so that everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what: Metal, Wood, Stone. Anything she touched
would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, the curse will be broken and she will be cured."
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition.
Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away, sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they turned to liquid. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!
The King was overjoyed!
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
I watched that Carson clip...paraphrasing a bit:
93 year old George Burns says he smokes 15 to 20 cigars a day.
Carson says, "Now George, hasn't your doctor said..."
Without missing a beat, Burns interrupts, "My doctor's dead!" Everyone LOLs
Comments
I see it now
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Cheers, RickO
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Problem is you either live through it or...........
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My YouTube Channel
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Pete
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What does a pirate pay for his earrings ? .............................................................................A buck an ear.
What did the mother buffalo say to her son before he crossed to another herd ?.........By son.
Why don't they play games in the jungle ? .......................................................................... because there are to many cheetahs.
What do you call someone who feeds birds ?......................................................................A birdfeeder.
??????????
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Threw my back out sleeping, got a crick in my neck from sneezing, I must be a fart away from total paralysis!! ☺️
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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry,” she cried, “Stand in the corner!”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don't move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you're a statue.”
“What's this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh it's a statue,” she replied. “The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
“Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.”
My last act start today?
I thought it was George Burns...lord, how old does that make me? 😂
What If I said Ben Franklin ?
Did they have cats during that period ?
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Uh oh, somebody's going to he'll
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
These are apparently real conversations between pilots and towers.
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
A Cessna inbound at the reporting point over SYD.
Tower (Female controller): “Cessna WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I’m going to have to hold you over the Manly area.”
Cessna WYXD: “Oh, I love it when you talk dirty to me.”
Tower: “American 241, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
American 241: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Captain, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?”
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue:
I’m damn bored!”
Ground Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was damn bored, not damn stupid!” (actually he used the F word.)
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this on the radio…
I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for take-off.”
and here is a link to an interesting video… for crews only. it is about 30 minutes long but well worth watching.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=099cHWSbAL8&feature=youtu.be
Warning: Some scenes are not suitable for everybody.
It shows some live footage of the cockpit with the pilots and Cabin crew fully aware they are going to crash. They were all aware of the worst possible outcome. The point is not what they did and what actions they took …. the point is the comments at the very end. There is definitely a lesson in it. Not just for Pilots.
Me too! Lol
Good one ! Thanks a lot @Oldhoopster....
Now I have to clean the coffee from my monitor.
@RedStorm said:
» show previous quotes
I thought it was George Burns...lord, how old does that make me? 😂
Me too! Lol
me too....
boston
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U.S. Type Set
that is the truth @skyman
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I turn bacon into fertilizer.
Fellas, leave the tight pants to the ladies. If I can count the coins in your pockets you better use them to call a tailor. Stay thirsty my friends......
My wife woke me up this morning claiming I was cheating on her and with an older woman.
I’m like, no way honey what are you possibly talking about?
Well, while you were sleeping last night you kept talking about an older woman and said she was lustrous, full bodied and nearly flawless.
Well, how do you know she was older?
You kept calling her Ms. Sixty eight.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.
Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”
Thanks @YQQ
Nice video
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U.S. Type Set
More applicable this week for sure
This is why cats murder birds!
O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this on the radio…
I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”
That reminds me of an old joke:
Once shortly after World War II, a former British fighter pilot was invited to give a lecture at an English ladies' high tea.
"...and there I was flying over the Channel, when suddenly two Fokkers attacked me out of a cloud bank and..."
At that point all the ladies either screamed or fainted, with some reproaching the lecturer for using such vile language. All a-fluster, the Chairwoman scurried to the front:
"Ladies, ladies! The Captain would never use such language in your presence! 'Fokker' refers to a type of German combat aircraft. Is that not correct, Captain?"
"Yes, indeed, madam. But these fokkers were Messerschmidtts!"
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. An evil wizard had put a curse on the daughter so that everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what: Metal, Wood, Stone. Anything she touched
would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, the curse will be broken and she will be cured."
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition.
Any man who could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away, sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they turned to liquid. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something very hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!
The King was overjoyed!
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed!
And the Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
Answer below, scroll down
M&Ms of course!
Cheers, RickO
I watched that Carson clip...paraphrasing a bit:
93 year old George Burns says he smokes 15 to 20 cigars a day.
Carson says, "Now George, hasn't your doctor said..."
Without missing a beat, Burns interrupts, "My doctor's dead!" Everyone LOLs