A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.
“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.
“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.
“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”
“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”
The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.
Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”
“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”
“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”
“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”
The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.
In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves.
They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”
“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cuppa. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," replies his brother-in-law.
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I can't remember."
An avid golfer was late coming home from his weekly game. As he dragged himself wearily through the door, his worried wife met him. "Honey," she said, "How was your game? Why are you so late?"
"Well," he replied, "this had to be the worst, hardest game of my life. Jack died out there on the golf course. Just had a heart attack at the second hole and then died."
"Oh, no!" she cried. "How awful for you! He was your best friend! No wonder you are late....."
"Yes, the ordeal really wore me out.," he said, "the whole rest of the game it was hit the ball, drag Jack, hit the ball, drag Jack......"
trying to respond to a post where the draft for it that has been deleted will not then permit the post to be made! (Draft Not Found). AND it seems you can't make a post in THAT thread until you refresh the page. better copy/paste the message first.
Maybe you heard the story about the young business school graduate who was asked at a job interview what his biggest weakness might be.
“Honesty,” the young man replied.
To which the hiring manager then said, “I’m not sure honesty is a weakness.”
After hearing this the 20-something said, “Who cares what you think?”
A minister has just died and is standing on line waiting to be judges and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. "I'm a taxi driver from Noo Yawk Cidy"
Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your sermons, in his taxi, they pray."
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy’s nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem? "The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess. "The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, not at all. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me, it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of .. it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore ... I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer: "It was one sit-up.”
As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it?
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.
Comments
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
.
wow. after zooming in on that image, that is a nice little hoard of coins there!! lots of silver.
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.
“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.
“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.
“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”
“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”
The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.
Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”
“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”
“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”
“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”
The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.
In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves.
They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”
“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”
Cheers, RickO
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cuppa. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," replies his brother-in-law.
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I can't remember."
Cheers, RickO
An avid golfer was late coming home from his weekly game. As he dragged himself wearily through the door, his worried wife met him. "Honey," she said, "How was your game? Why are you so late?"
"Well," he replied, "this had to be the worst, hardest game of my life. Jack died out there on the golf course. Just had a heart attack at the second hole and then died."
"Oh, no!" she cried. "How awful for you! He was your best friend! No wonder you are late....."
"Yes, the ordeal really wore me out.," he said, "the whole rest of the game it was hit the ball, drag Jack, hit the ball, drag Jack......"
Cheers, RickO
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
wow. just discovered a loophole:
trying to respond to a post where the draft for it that has been deleted will not then permit the post to be made! (Draft Not Found). AND it seems you can't make a post in THAT thread until you refresh the page. better copy/paste the message first.
ok back to it.
.
i legitimately don't know what to say about that sign. i HOPE it is just an altered image but if NOT, then all i can muster right now is:
it reminds me of that humorous image of the "homeless" person with the bounced checks on their sign. ><
And that isn’t too far from the truth. He needs to add a cigarette in his mouth
Lafayette Grading Set
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Bach
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
here's a random hint but @1630Boston got it right away.
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Maybe you heard the story about the young business school graduate who was asked at a job interview what his biggest weakness might be.
“Honesty,” the young man replied.
To which the hiring manager then said, “I’m not sure honesty is a weakness.”
After hearing this the 20-something said, “Who cares what you think?”
Cheers, RickO
A minister has just died and is standing on line waiting to be judges and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. "I'm a taxi driver from Noo Yawk Cidy"
Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.
Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"
The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your sermons, in his taxi, they pray."
Cheers, RickO
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit’s end trying to control them.
Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the parents thought that they should ask the priest to talk with the boys. The priest agreed to talk with the boys and asked to see the younger boy first. So the mother sent him to the priest.
The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.
Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked "Where is God?"
Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy’s nose, and asked, "Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home.
Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.
He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
Cheers, RickO
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem? "The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess. "The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, not at all. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"
Cheers, RickO
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.
It’s not my age that bothers me, it’s the side effects.
I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m nowhere near the curb on trash day.
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of .. it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore ... I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
My Trainer: "It was one sit-up.”
As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient.
I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round...and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it?
Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass.
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date