A priest had a speaking parrot
One night when the priest went on vacation a burglar broke into his house. Trying to be as sneaky as possible he didn't used his flashlight. Suddenly he heard a voice say:" Jesus sees you!" He quickly turned on his flashlight and looked around. When he saw the parrot the parrot again said:" Jesus sees you!" The burglar asked the parrot:" Who are you little Buddy?" The parrot answered:" I'm Josef." The burglar laughed:" What idiot names his parrot Josef?" The parrot answered:" The same Idiot who named his pitbull Jesus."
1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo
Purported to be a George Carlin quote………” Have you ever noticed that people driving slower than you are morons and people driving faster than you are maniacs?”
Full disclosure - ok so here's the thing, this one has got to go poof, if even @bearcave has doubts about it, then it's gotta be really bad. I thought long and hard and decided to remove it.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
@marcmoish said:
Full disclosure - ok so here's the thing, this one has got to go poof, if even @bearcave has doubts about it, then it's gotta be really bad. I thought long and hard and decided to remove it.
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, "$2000."
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
I have a good Cockatoo joke that is real! I worked in a pet shop when I was a teenager. We had a Cockatoo that some how pick up the phrase F U Lady. And so be it, it finally happened. I was working on a fish tank across from his cage to find myself being whaled by an umbrella from an old lady that the Cockatoo let loose with the phrase on!
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, "$2000."
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
Yankel bought a parrot, hoping it might learn to say a few words. The next morning, he found the bird on the eastern side of its cage, rocking back and forth, mumbling. Stooping to listen, Yankel was shocked to hear his new parrot praying in Hebrew.
“You’re Jewish?!”
“Of course. Modern Orthodox. Are we going to shul on Rosh Hashanah?”
“You want me to take you to synagogue?! This is unbelievable. Is this some kind of secret? Can I tell my friends about you?”
“Tell anyone you want. Now let me finish davening.”
Yankel immediately started bragging about his Jewish parrot. No one believed him, so he started taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah he had a thousand dollars riding on the bird.
On the Day of Judgement, Yankel proudly set his parrot in front of the room. Everyone stared, even the rabbi, who bet twenty bucks against any parrot praying.
Yankel urged it to pray. People started chuckling around the room.
The parrot clucked a few times like any bird of its kind, but it didn’t pray. Yankel lost a thousand bucks.
Back at home, Yankel grabbed the parrot by its scrawny neck.
“Now you better start praying, you little twit! You humiliated me! You’re a dead bird!”
“Don’t be a shmuck, Yankel! Yom Kippur’s next week. Everyone looks forward all year to the cantor singing Kol Nidrei on Yom Kippur. Tell everyone I’ll sing Kol Nidrei.”
“Why would I do that?! You didn’t even pray in shul today!”
“Exactly. Think of the odds you’ll get!”
USAF (Ret) 1974 - 1994 - The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. Remembering RickO, a brother in arms.
Yankel bought a parrot, hoping it might learn to say a few words. The next morning, he found the bird on the eastern side of its cage, rocking back and forth, mumbling. Stooping to listen, Yankel was shocked to hear his new parrot praying in Hebrew.
“You’re Jewish?!”
“Of course. Modern Orthodox. Are we going to shul on Rosh Hashanah?”
“You want me to take you to synagogue?! This is unbelievable. Is this some kind of secret? Can I tell my friends about you?”
“Tell anyone you want. Now let me finish davening.”
Yankel immediately started bragging about his Jewish parrot. No one believed him, so he started taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah he had a thousand dollars riding on the bird.
On the Day of Judgement, Yankel proudly set his parrot in front of the room. Everyone stared, even the rabbi, who bet twenty bucks against any parrot praying.
Yankel urged it to pray. People started chuckling around the room.
The parrot clucked a few times like any bird of its kind, but it didn’t pray. Yankel lost a thousand bucks.
Back at home, Yankel grabbed the parrot by its scrawny neck.
“Now you better start praying, you little twit! You humiliated me! You’re a dead bird!”
“Don’t be a shmuck, Yankel! Yom Kippur’s next week. Everyone looks forward all year to the cantor singing Kol Nidrei on Yom Kippur. Tell everyone I’ll sing Kol Nidrei.”
“Why would I do that?! You didn’t even pray in shul today!”
“Exactly. Think of the odds you’ll get!”
not so sure everyone can decipher this one, this belongs in the shul kiddush club info board.
The punchline for My last parrot joke reminded me of of this joke. Yes it's an oldie.
The Pope just finished a tour of New York and was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then drove onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of a police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The policeman came to the limo, looked in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please, I need to call my chief.”
The policeman called his chief and explained to him that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding.
“How do I handle this, chief?” asked the policeman. “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief. “No! This guy is even more important!”
“Is it the President?” asked the chief.
“No! Even more important!”
“Well, who is it then?” screamed the chief.
“I don’t know, sir,” replied the policeman, “But he’s got the Pope as his driver.”
Probably been told in the first 150 odd pages ? Has Anyone numbered the jokes since the beginning so they can verify my thesis?
Is it time to start repeating the earlier material since old is now new?
@pocketpiececommems said:
( This little guy kept attacking himself in the mirror )
We have cardinals that do that to the cars in our driveway. They think it's another male trying to invade it's nesting territory and thus attack the mirror. I thought it was funny untill I noticed they also were pooping all over the door as they attacked the mirror image. I had a few old stocking caps I put over the mirrors to stop the problem.
"When they can't find anything wrong with you, they create it!"
Comments
A priest had a speaking parrot
One night when the priest went on vacation a burglar broke into his house. Trying to be as sneaky as possible he didn't used his flashlight. Suddenly he heard a voice say:" Jesus sees you!" He quickly turned on his flashlight and looked around. When he saw the parrot the parrot again said:" Jesus sees you!" The burglar asked the parrot:" Who are you little Buddy?" The parrot answered:" I'm Josef." The burglar laughed:" What idiot names his parrot Josef?" The parrot answered:" The same Idiot who named his pitbull Jesus."
Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo
You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.
"When they can't find anything wrong with you, they create it!"
Purported to be a George Carlin quote………” Have you ever noticed that people driving slower than you are morons and people driving faster than you are maniacs?”
Yeah, guilty as charged. LOL
Full disclosure - ok so here's the thing, this one has got to go poof, if even @bearcave has doubts about it, then it's gotta be really bad. I thought long and hard and decided to remove it.
I have a delivery for a... Miss Pam Dora ?
Instructions for unwrapping are attached to the package.
DPOTD-3
'Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery'
CU #3245 B.N.A. #428
Don
I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Hmmmm..... I'd say you'd have to at least go back to the 80's to get a full decade of that.
Great transactions with oih82w8, JasonGaming, Moose1913.
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Pete
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
U.S. Type Set
I missed it again!! 😉
Cheers, RickO
Miss Twiggy, we missed you.
Woodstock call me....hmmm...?
Good golly missy follow me to...
U.S. Type Set
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Not another parrot joke ?
One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one.
The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"
The assistant says, "$2000."
The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it's so expensive.
The assistant explains, "This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."
"What about the green one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."
"What about the red one?" the man asks.
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."
The man says, "What does HE do?"
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."
"When they can't find anything wrong with you, they create it!"
I have a good Cockatoo joke that is real! I worked in a pet shop when I was a teenager. We had a Cockatoo that some how pick up the phrase F U Lady. And so be it, it finally happened. I was working on a fish tank across from his cage to find myself being whaled by an umbrella from an old lady that the Cockatoo let loose with the phrase on!
The Davening Parrot
Yankel bought a parrot, hoping it might learn to say a few words. The next morning, he found the bird on the eastern side of its cage, rocking back and forth, mumbling. Stooping to listen, Yankel was shocked to hear his new parrot praying in Hebrew.
“You’re Jewish?!”
“Of course. Modern Orthodox. Are we going to shul on Rosh Hashanah?”
“You want me to take you to synagogue?! This is unbelievable. Is this some kind of secret? Can I tell my friends about you?”
“Tell anyone you want. Now let me finish davening.”
Yankel immediately started bragging about his Jewish parrot. No one believed him, so he started taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah he had a thousand dollars riding on the bird.
On the Day of Judgement, Yankel proudly set his parrot in front of the room. Everyone stared, even the rabbi, who bet twenty bucks against any parrot praying.
Yankel urged it to pray. People started chuckling around the room.
The parrot clucked a few times like any bird of its kind, but it didn’t pray. Yankel lost a thousand bucks.
Back at home, Yankel grabbed the parrot by its scrawny neck.
“Now you better start praying, you little twit! You humiliated me! You’re a dead bird!”
“Don’t be a shmuck, Yankel! Yom Kippur’s next week. Everyone looks forward all year to the cantor singing Kol Nidrei on Yom Kippur. Tell everyone I’ll sing Kol Nidrei.”
“Why would I do that?! You didn’t even pray in shul today!”
“Exactly. Think of the odds you’ll get!”
USAF (Ret) 1974 - 1994 - The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. Remembering RickO, a brother in arms.
peacockcoins
not so sure everyone can decipher this one, this belongs in the shul kiddush club info board.
a
A girl went to a palmist to have her hand read.
"I see that you are in love with a tall man with a front tooth missing," the palmist said to her.
"That's right," was the reply.
"I see that he has ask you to marry him and his name is Bill Jones," the palmist said.
"That's marvelous," said the girl. "How can you tell that from the lines on my hand?"
"It's not the lines I am reading," the palmist said, "It's the ring you are wearing.
I gave it back to Bill two weeks ago."
Cheers, RickO
@BillJones That Bill Jones really gets around.
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
"When they can't find anything wrong with you, they create it!"
Dave
Appaphoebia - The fear of Gremlins in any PC.
The punchline for My last parrot joke reminded me of of this joke. Yes it's an oldie.
The Pope just finished a tour of New York and was taking a limousine to the airport. He had never driven a limo before so he asked the driver if he could drive for a while. The driver pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.
The Pope then drove onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do.
Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of a police car in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The policeman came to the limo, looked in through the windows, then said, “Just a moment please, I need to call my chief.”
The policeman called his chief and explained to him that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding.
“How do I handle this, chief?” asked the policeman. “Is it the Governor?” questioned the chief. “No! This guy is even more important!”
“Is it the President?” asked the chief.
“No! Even more important!”
“Well, who is it then?” screamed the chief.
“I don’t know, sir,” replied the policeman, “But he’s got the Pope as his driver.”
Probably been told in the first 150 odd pages ? Has Anyone numbered the jokes since the beginning so they can verify my thesis?
Is it time to start repeating the earlier material since old is now new?
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
peacockcoins
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
U.S. Type Set
Like the old Three Stooges Deewy Screwem and Howe.
This little guy kept attacking himself in the mirror
Lafayette Grading Set
I think it was “Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe”.
Big Three Stooges fan.
We have cardinals that do that to the cars in our driveway. They think it's another male trying to invade it's nesting territory and thus attack the mirror. I thought it was funny untill I noticed they also were pooping all over the door as they attacked the mirror image. I had a few old stocking caps I put over the mirrors to stop the problem.
"When they can't find anything wrong with you, they create it!"
That reminds me of my favorite pie chart: