I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
Apparently responding to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next
time," isn't really proper.
Don't ever irritate old people. The older they get, the less life in
prison is a deterrent.
When a man asked his wife if he was the only one she had ever
been with she replied, "Yes. All the others were nines and tens."
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think,
"That can't be accurate."
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 (silver certificate of course ) and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.
@CCGGG said:
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 (silver certificate of course ) and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.
Nowadays they got cameras everywhere.
I remember as a kid, dad giving me a dollar, going to the local drug store, getting a coke, hamburger, fries and a comic book. 😮
These following are actual excerpts from newspapers, whose editors were out to lunch at the time:
"Zimbabwe Rhodesian guerrilla leaders demanded Monday that a Commonwealth peacekeeping force of sexual thousand men--one with teeth--be sent to enforce a cease-fire in the war against their forces."
"Recent tests conducted by a zoologist prove that grasshoppers hear with their legs. In all cases the insects hopped when a tuning fork was sounded nearby. There was no reaction to this stimulus, however, when the insects' legs had been removed."
"What is more beautiful for the blonde to wear for formal dances than white tulle? My answer--and I'm sure you will agree with me--is 'Nothing.'"
At my age, it now takes me all night to do what I used to do all night.
USAF (Ret) 1974 - 1994 - The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. Remembering RickO, a brother in arms.
I had my own little version of this at Lackland AFB back when I was in the AF Police Academy. You had to do push-ups before going through the gate... barely made it back in that night.
anyone here with the moxie to press play? i confess, i stared down that play button for a while but eventually, had to look away. perhaps a tear in the corner of my eye, perhaps naught. ><
@LanceNewmanOCC said:
anyone here with the moxie to press play? i confess, i stared down that play button for a while but eventually, had to look away. perhaps a tear in the corner of my eye, perhaps naught. ><
ONe year of covid seems like 10 years. Thus if anyone posted this joke before after 10 years ... who remembers?
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
@LanceNewmanOCC said:
anyone here with the moxie to press play? i confess, i stared down that play button for a while but eventually, had to look away. perhaps a tear in the corner of my eye, perhaps naught. ><
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, “No mushrooms, they are too high.”
He said, “Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.”
So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican Train dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, “Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.”
Janet went into hysterics, and then called the doctor to explain what happened.
The doctor said, “That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine - just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now.” Then he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.”
The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.
A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.
Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.”
As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by government today.
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."
Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Donnie says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.
A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.
Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.”
As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by government today.
OK, true story. I was assigned to U.S. Army Headquarters in Hawaii (USARHAW) after i came back from my first trip to Viet Nam because they didn't know where else to assign a Survey Party Chief converted into a Artillery Forward Observer and the Artillery had all rotated out to Viet Nam. The Commanding General had a habit of getting the entire military staff together and having a Bar-B-Que about monthly, and wives and families were invited. My wife was new to the Military and didn't know military ranks so when i introduced her to the General, I made sure to emphasize his rank as "Major General". Later on I saw her talking to the General and wandered over and they were discussing the transition to Military life from Civilian life. To my consternation, she was addressing the General as Major! Since I was only a Sergeant, i didn't interupt the conversation, but just stood there and listened and after my wife walked away, turned and apologized to the General for her calling a Major General, Major. He looked at me deadpan and replied, "Don't worry about it Sergeant, I'm just glad i wasn't a Rear Admiral"
I never forgot that line or the class he showed by using it.!
Comments
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
I know some of us won't let go of the treasure chest but this is reckless, belongs in the trunk
I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
Apparently responding to a wedding invitation with "Maybe next
time," isn't really proper.
Don't ever irritate old people. The older they get, the less life in
prison is a deterrent.
When a man asked his wife if he was the only one she had ever
been with she replied, "Yes. All the others were nines and tens."
Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think,
"That can't be accurate."
Yes !
"We do weddings also"
"What"?
Wheels are extra in some stores. Remember ridding them with no control?
Both coins are 68's that's why the bell bottoms.
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 (silver certificate of course
) and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink.
Nowadays they got cameras everywhere.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Pete
I remember as a kid, dad giving me a dollar, going to the local drug store, getting a coke, hamburger, fries and a comic book. 😮
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
>
>
A good one (sentence ) hidden in there
Lafayette Grading Set
Spiderman trying to save the cake:
peacockcoins
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
These following are actual excerpts from newspapers, whose editors were out to lunch at the time:
"Zimbabwe Rhodesian guerrilla leaders demanded Monday that a Commonwealth peacekeeping force of sexual thousand men--one with teeth--be sent to enforce a cease-fire in the war against their forces."
"Recent tests conducted by a zoologist prove that grasshoppers hear with their legs. In all cases the insects hopped when a tuning fork was sounded nearby. There was no reaction to this stimulus, however, when the insects' legs had been removed."
"What is more beautiful for the blonde to wear for formal dances than white tulle? My answer--and I'm sure you will agree with me--is 'Nothing.'"
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
At my age, it now takes me all night to do what I used to do all night.
USAF (Ret) 1974 - 1994 - The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. Remembering RickO, a brother in arms.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
??
Great transactions with oih82w8, JasonGaming, Moose1913.
I had my own little version of this at Lackland AFB back when I was in the AF Police Academy. You had to do push-ups before going through the gate... barely made it back in that night.
Sasha, you haven't done your duty yet?
You know I'm missing Dark Shadows ?
have many of you watched any of his sets?
And media.
anyone here with the moxie to press play? i confess, i stared down that play button for a while but eventually, had to look away. perhaps a tear in the corner of my eye, perhaps naught. ><
Do not repeat at home? Dang. I was just going to plug in my 100 ton hydraulic press!
Great transactions with oih82w8, JasonGaming, Moose1913.
ONe year of covid seems like 10 years. Thus if anyone posted this joke before after 10 years ... who remembers?
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer,
"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Hey, ya gotta look!
How many of these coins will be sold on eBay as rare mint errors?
Worry is the interest you pay on a debt you may not owe.
Coinsof1984@martinb6830 on twitter
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis to socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but mushrooms are expensive. She then told her husband, “No mushrooms, they are too high.”
He said, “Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK.”
So, Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful.
Ol' Spot ate every bite. All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Phase 10 and Mexican Train dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town, came in and whispered in Janet's ear, “Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died.”
Janet went into hysterics, and then called the doctor to explain what happened.
The doctor said, “That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine - just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMT's and the doctor had suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now.” Then he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room, and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped.”
Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit
(1750s – 1810s).
The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims.
A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.
Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.”
As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by government today.
OMIGAWD he's hysterical! I hadn't heard of him before!
Thanks for posting.
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
I'll try to get this one past the hall monitors.
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."
Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"
"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
"Well, not exactly", Donnie says.
"When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."
She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow."
Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."
And the media.
OK, true story. I was assigned to U.S. Army Headquarters in Hawaii (USARHAW) after i came back from my first trip to Viet Nam because they didn't know where else to assign a Survey Party Chief converted into a Artillery Forward Observer and the Artillery had all rotated out to Viet Nam. The Commanding General had a habit of getting the entire military staff together and having a Bar-B-Que about monthly, and wives and families were invited. My wife was new to the Military and didn't know military ranks so when i introduced her to the General, I made sure to emphasize his rank as "Major General". Later on I saw her talking to the General and wandered over and they were discussing the transition to Military life from Civilian life. To my consternation, she was addressing the General as Major! Since I was only a Sergeant, i didn't interupt the conversation, but just stood there and listened and after my wife walked away, turned and apologized to the General for her calling a Major General, Major. He looked at me deadpan and replied, "Don't worry about it Sergeant, I'm just glad i wasn't a Rear Admiral"
I never forgot that line or the class he showed by using it.!
This is really good, this thread has brought out the best in humor amongst us all.
Lame. Take it elsewhere.
Quick ! Shut her down and jump into the next thread.
BEES !!!!!!!
Reflex, don't fail me now.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
"One grande latt-hay please"
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Pete