At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod", she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE...........LONG SILENCE..........
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're FIRED!!!"
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
The bus driver says: "Oh wow, that's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."
The woman makes her way to the rear of the bus but she just can't get over it. She starts fuming to the man next to her about how rude the driver was. This goes on for several minutes and finally the guy says, "Why don't you just go back up there and tell him off? Here, let me hold your monkey."
If Glicker was still around this thread would be at 1000 replies. He was made for pandemics.
Has anyone heard from him? Hope he is ok
mark
Walker Proof Digital Album Fellas, leave the tight pants to the ladies. If I can count the coins in your pockets you better use them to call a tailor. Stay thirsty my friends......
Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see this pandemic out
Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a bag of Doritos and a Snickers bar
"May the silver waves that bear you heavenward be filled with love’s whisperings"
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
I hate this type of video. What the heck are they thinking? If they die, the city or building owners cannot be responsible. Which brings up the obvious. Have any of these guys died?
Unfortunately many of these people have died. There was an article on it in a fairly well known news site some years ago. Many of the "performers" were from 3rd world countries or poor neighborhoods. Many were doing this so they'd get lots of "hits" on their YouTube pages, and then get revenue from that.
You have to admire them. No risk no reward. And...they have experienced something none of us will on the way down. I've read that drowning is a much more peaceful way to go.
Drowning is an awful death. Spent a lot of time with the dead. Drowning victims are not the nicest.
Not waking up from you nap is peaceful.
@air4mdc said: "Drowning is an awful death. Spent a lot of time with the dead. Drowning victims are not the nicest.
Not waking up from you nap is peaceful."
You are the doctor I'm just an old lifeguard with only two saves and no deaths so you should know more about drowning than I do. However, I'll bet the drowned and bloated people you worked on/saw have one thing in common - they were DEAD.
Every story from a drowned person who was revived has said how peaceful it was. In fact, they actually knew what was happening too and yet they couldn't do anything to help themselves!
While sitting at a desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, drawing the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction – and there’s nothing you can do about it.
@hammer1 said:
I bet you can't control your right foot.
While sitting at a desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, drawing the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction – and there’s nothing you can do about it.
You have completely stopped production around here. We have four guys trying to do it. LOL, but it works OK with your left hand. Wild.
@Insider2 said: @air4mdc said: "Drowning is an awful death. Spent a lot of time with the dead. Drowning victims are not the nicest.
Not waking up from you nap is peaceful."
You are the doctor I'm just an old lifeguard with only two saves and no deaths so you should know more about drowning than I do. However, I'll bet the drowned and bloated people you worked on/saw have one thing in common - they were DEAD.
Every story from a drowned person who was revived has said how peaceful it was. In fact, they actually knew what was happening too and yet they couldn't do anything to help themselves!
@air4mdc said: "Drowning is an awful death. [I] Spent a lot of time with the dead... >
Insider replied: "_You are the doctor I'm just an old lifeguard with only two saves and no deaths so you should know more about drowning than I do. However, I'll bet the drowned and bloated people you worked on/saw have one thing in common - they were DEAD_.
Smoe guys were sitting around a locker room when a cell phone on the bench rings, and a man puts it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.
Man: "Hello?"
Woman: "Hi, Honey. It's me. You at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the shops now, and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure. Go ahead."
Woman: "I also stopped at the Lexus dealership and saw the new models and found one I really like."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$90,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! And, oh. One more thing. I was just talking to Janie, and you know that house with the river view that I wanted last year? Well, it's back on the market! They're asking $980,000 for it.
Man: "Well, then, go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. But if not, we can probably go the extra 80 thousand if it's what you really want."
Woman: "OK! I'll see you later. I love you so much!"
Man: "Bye. I love you too."
The man hung up. The other guys in the locker room were looking at him in astonishment, their mouths hanging open.
He turned and asked, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
@Insider2 said: @air4mdc said: "Drowning is an awful death. [I] Spent a lot of time with the dead... >
Insider replied: "_You are the doctor I'm just an old lifeguard with only two saves and no deaths so you should know more about drowning than I do. However, I'll bet the drowned and bloated people you worked on/saw have one thing in common - they were DEAD_.
Insider answered: _Nice dodge Doc. "No, and two thumbs up. That was hilarious_. BTW, I hope you kept your hands where they belonged.
Thanks for having a sense of humor. I was hoping you would find it funny, I know I sure did. It’s a humor thread....right?
Let’s change the subject:)
Take care.
A wife in distress frantically called her husband. "What's the problem Dear?" I can't get the car started. It might have water in the carburetor. Okay Dear hold on. Are you with the car? "Yes she replied." Where are you? In the lake.
Successful transactions:Tookybandit. "Everyone is equal, some are more equal than others".
Not so much a joke as it is a funny observation. Today went to the local store. A young 20ish couple were in the parking spot next to me. Both wearing masks. The young lad exits the car, removes his mask to light up a cigarette. So strange he worries of the virus contagion, but lights up to damage his lungs. Guess he wants to remain virus free to allow his habit to continue.
Successful transactions:Tookybandit. "Everyone is equal, some are more equal than others".
I seen some people were trying to spin their right foot clockwise and draw a six with their right hand and they were having a hard time, so I figured this might be worth a try.
"May the silver waves that bear you heavenward be filled with love’s whisperings"
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Comments
At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod", she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE...........LONG SILENCE..........
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're FIRED!!!"
FullSizeR.jpeg
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"
The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're ugly."
I'll bet the girl in the car got a broken arm.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "Oh wow, that's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."
The woman makes her way to the rear of the bus but she just can't get over it. She starts fuming to the man next to her about how rude the driver was. This goes on for several minutes and finally the guy says, "Why don't you just go back up there and tell him off? Here, let me hold your monkey."
One more:
The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
First, how dense the population is
Second, how dense the population is
If you don't get it, refer again to the second factor.
BUMPER STICKERS
THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE.
TIME IS WHAT KEEPS THINGS FROM HAPPENING ALL AT ONCE
I DIDN'T FIGHT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN TO BE A VEGETARIAN.
YOUR KID MAY BE AN HONOR STUDENT BUT YOU'RE STILL AN IDIOT
IF WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO EAT ANIMALS, WHY ARE THEY MADE WITH MEAT?
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT.
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT.
IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP, BUT YOU EAT BETTER.
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS.
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST.
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM.
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE. VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE.
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL.
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
U.S. Type Set
If Glicker was still around this thread would be at 1000 replies. He was made for pandemics.
Has anyone heard from him? Hope he is ok
mark
Fellas, leave the tight pants to the ladies. If I can count the coins in your pockets you better use them to call a tailor. Stay thirsty my friends......
Quarantine Diary
Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see this pandemic out
Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a bag of Doritos and a Snickers bar
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Drowning is an awful death. Spent a lot of time with the dead. Drowning victims are not the nicest.
Not waking up from you nap is peaceful.
[img]
https://youtu.be/ZpZ_fakwSwc[/img]
@air4mdc said: "Drowning is an awful death. Spent a lot of time with the dead. Drowning victims are not the nicest.
You are the doctor I'm just an old lifeguard with only two saves and no deaths so you should know more about drowning than I do. However, I'll bet the drowned and bloated people you worked on/saw have one thing in common - they were DEAD.
Every story from a drowned person who was revived has said how peaceful it was. In fact, they actually knew what was happening too and yet they couldn't do anything to help themselves!
...
I was LMAO at this thread until I bumped into the true life back from the dead stories.
Still
The laughter was great medicine I needed.
"Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working" Pablo Picasso
It’s worth watching because it’s amazing that people are so, not very bright😂
https://youtu.be/HeGVeBWECu8
I bet you can't control your right foot.
While sitting at a desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
Now, while doing this, drawing the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction – and there’s nothing you can do about it.
You have completely stopped production around here. We have four guys trying to do it. LOL, but it works OK with your left hand. Wild.
Was this in the kiddie pool?
Money for nothing, get your chicks for free.....
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
@air4mdc said: "Drowning is an awful death. [I] Spent a lot of time with the dead... >
Insider replied: "_You are the doctor I'm just an old lifeguard with only two saves and no deaths so you should know more about drowning than I do. However, I'll bet the drowned and bloated people you worked on/saw have one thing in common - they were DEAD_.
@air4mdc asked: "Was this in the kiddie pool?"
Insider answered: _Nice dodge Doc. "No, and two thumbs up. That was hilarious_.
BTW, I hope you kept your hands where they belonged. 
U.S. Type Set
Smoe guys were sitting around a locker room when a cell phone on the bench rings, and a man puts it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen.
Man: "Hello?"
Woman: "Hi, Honey. It's me. You at the club?"
Man: "Yes."
Woman: "I'm at the shops now, and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure. Go ahead."
Woman: "I also stopped at the Lexus dealership and saw the new models and found one I really like."
Man: "How much?"
Woman: "$90,000."
Man: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
Woman: "Great! And, oh. One more thing. I was just talking to Janie, and you know that house with the river view that I wanted last year? Well, it's back on the market! They're asking $980,000 for it.
Man: "Well, then, go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. But if not, we can probably go the extra 80 thousand if it's what you really want."
Woman: "OK! I'll see you later. I love you so much!"
Man: "Bye. I love you too."
The man hung up. The other guys in the locker room were looking at him in astonishment, their mouths hanging open.
He turned and asked, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Thanks for having a sense of humor. I was hoping you would find it funny, I know I sure did. It’s a humor thread....right?
Let’s change the subject:)
Take care.
"Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working" Pablo Picasso
And you can wear a mask into a bank without triggering the alarm.
A wife in distress frantically called her husband. "What's the problem Dear?" I can't get the car started. It might have water in the carburetor. Okay Dear hold on. Are you with the car? "Yes she replied." Where are you? In the lake.
Not so much a joke as it is a funny observation. Today went to the local store. A young 20ish couple were in the parking spot next to me. Both wearing masks. The young lad exits the car, removes his mask to light up a cigarette. So strange he worries of the virus contagion, but lights up to damage his lungs. Guess he wants to remain virus free to allow his habit to continue.
"Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working" Pablo Picasso
With this quarantine going on I've been telling a lot of inside jokes.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
I seen some people were trying to spin their right foot clockwise and draw a six with their right hand and they were having a hard time, so I figured this might be worth a try.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Pete