A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
In honor of it being 4/20, here's a video that, if you haven't seen it, is worth all four minutes of it.
If you've seen it, it is worth a repeat: **"best story" **David Letterman ever heard.
(Come on, you sit in front of your computer 12 hours a day; you have 4 minutes to spare for a laugh.)
It's the first day of the new sex education curriculum. The teacher tells all the kids to go home and find out what they could about sex, and report in the next day.
The next day, little Suzie raises her hand:
"Yes, Suzie"
"Last night I walked in and saw my mommy and daddy having intercourse."
"Very good, Suzie."
Then little Johnnie stick up his hand:
"Last night, I walking in and saw my daddy and mommie having intercourse, too."
"Very good, Johnnie! Aren't we learning a lot about sex today, children?"
Then little Tommie sticks up his hand:
"Yes, Tommie?"
"Last night I was watching the Lone Ranger on TV. A hundred Indians came from the north, and he shot every one of 'em. Then a THOUSAND Indians came from the south, and he shot all of them, too. Then a MILLION BILLION Indians came from the east and west, and he shot all of them, too!"
"Well, that's nice, Tommie. But what's that got to do with sex?"
"Well, it teaches you not to %#& around with the Lone Ranger!"
A husband and wife are rushing to the maternity ward as they are expecting.
The wife is escorted into the delivery room. The husband sits in a waiting room stressing every minute.
Finally here comes the doctor with the newborn in arms.
The doctor hands the child to the husband.
In a studdering voice the doctor says to the husband...
"Sir, I'm so very sorry, but your wife did not make it".
The husband answers back in a very stern tone...
" Doc, please give me the child she did make".
At FUN this year, I had this conversation. Honest!
Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Me: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
Me: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July then?
Me: What?
RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?
Me: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease?
Me: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Okay. An Santos?
Me: What?
RS: Santos. July Santos?
Me: Ugh. I don't know...I don't think so.
RS: No. Judo one toes?
Me: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?
Me: An English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
Me: No. Just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
Me: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
RS: Copy?
Me: I feel terrible about this but...
RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill...
Me: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
Me: Whatever you say.
RS: Okay. Tendjewberrymud.
Me: You're welcome.
Reminds me when around 17 an old man walks up to us and says air bahoom. What's that? Air bahoom. The friend with me said he's asking where's the bathroom. I just busted out laughing. The guy was from near our area so the friend says the bahoom eight air.
"May the silver waves that bear you heavenward be filled with love’s whisperings"
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
His obnoxious brother........................................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt...................................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.................................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store....Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia..........................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.......................................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin............................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.................Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle........................................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt..................................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle.............................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.................................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.........................................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew...................................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco....................................Go Gogh
His niece who travels the country in a van............Winnie Bay Gogh
Q. What is the bird of wisdom?
A. The Owl.
Q. What is the bird of freedom?
A. The Eagle.
Q. What is the bird of love?
A. The Dove.
Q. What is the bird of true love?
A. The Swallow...
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
"I have no idea, " says the blonde. The lawyer says "It's 238,900 miles. Ha!" The blonde reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She then asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net, the Library of Congress and Wikipedia, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, says "I give up," and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer??!"
The blonde says "I have no idea," hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I've ever met."
Selma turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"
"May the silver waves that bear you heavenward be filled with love’s whisperings"
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to
their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only
to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use
for the manure stick".
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they
learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el
Papa),the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on
the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you".
Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate)
meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make
you pregnant".
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate".
Comments
That forced me to apologise to my cat. I've long told him that he's the world's laziest...
Smitten with DBLCs.
Here comes the covid19 fashion wars. Started in Quebec.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
OK, Let me get this strait. You want me to put on a mask and walk into my Bank.
100% Positive BST transactions
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
In honor of it being 4/20, here's a video that, if you haven't seen it, is worth all four minutes of it.
If you've seen it, it is worth a repeat: **"best story" **David Letterman ever heard.
(Come on, you sit in front of your computer 12 hours a day; you have 4 minutes to spare for a laugh.)
(
http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFabfnfhIaY)
Herbed up!
That is a classic! I still watch Lone Ranger reruns.
Louis Armstrong
That reminds me of a joke I heard years ago:
It's the first day of the new sex education curriculum. The teacher tells all the kids to go home and find out what they could about sex, and report in the next day.
The next day, little Suzie raises her hand:
"Yes, Suzie"
"Last night I walked in and saw my mommy and daddy having intercourse."
"Very good, Suzie."
Then little Johnnie stick up his hand:
"Last night, I walking in and saw my daddy and mommie having intercourse, too."
"Very good, Johnnie! Aren't we learning a lot about sex today, children?"
Then little Tommie sticks up his hand:
"Yes, Tommie?"
"Last night I was watching the Lone Ranger on TV. A hundred Indians came from the north, and he shot every one of 'em. Then a THOUSAND Indians came from the south, and he shot all of them, too. Then a MILLION BILLION Indians came from the east and west, and he shot all of them, too!"
"Well, that's nice, Tommie. But what's that got to do with sex?"
"Well, it teaches you not to %#& around with the Lone Ranger!"
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
OUCH!
A husband and wife are rushing to the maternity ward as they are expecting.
The wife is escorted into the delivery room. The husband sits in a waiting room stressing every minute.
Finally here comes the doctor with the newborn in arms.
The doctor hands the child to the husband.
In a studdering voice the doctor says to the husband...
"Sir, I'm so very sorry, but your wife did not make it".
The husband answers back in a very stern tone...
" Doc, please give me the child she did make".
At FUN this year, I had this conversation. Honest!
Room Service: Morny. Rune-sore-bees.
Me: Oh, sorry. I thought I dialed Room Service.
RS: Rye, rune-sore-bees. Morny. Djewish to odor sunteen?
Me: Uh... yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July then?
Me: What?
RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch...?
Me: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease?
Me: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Okay. An Santos?
Me: What?
RS: Santos. July Santos?
Me: Ugh. I don't know...I don't think so.
RS: No. Judo one toes?
Me: Look, I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes" means. I'm sorry.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow cenglish mopping we bother?
Me: An English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
Me: No. Just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
Me: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
RS: Copy?
Me: I feel terrible about this but...
RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill...
Me: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino fee, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy cenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
Me: Whatever you say.
RS: Okay. Tendjewberrymud.
Me: You're welcome.
Reminds me when around 17 an old man walks up to us and says air bahoom. What's that? Air bahoom. The friend with me said he's asking where's the bathroom. I just busted out laughing. The guy was from near our area so the friend says the bahoom eight air.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Two gal pals are chatting after isolation ended.
"Where's your husband?"
"He's in the yard."
"Oh, I didn't see him."
"You didn't dig deep enough."
Necessity is the mother of invention:
Zohan will protect your coin collection
His obnoxious brother........................................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt...................................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.................................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store....Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia..........................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.......................................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin............................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.................Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle........................................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt..................................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle.............................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.................................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.........................................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew...................................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco....................................Go Gogh
His niece who travels the country in a van............Winnie Bay Gogh
U.S. Type Set
Q. What is the bird of wisdom?
A. The Owl.
Q. What is the bird of freedom?
A. The Eagle.
Q. What is the bird of love?
A. The Dove.
Q. What is the bird of true love?
A. The Swallow...
I always suspected this................
Pete
Stop me of you've heard this one:
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
"I have no idea, " says the blonde. The lawyer says "It's 238,900 miles. Ha!" The blonde reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She then asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net, the Library of Congress and Wikipedia, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, says "I give up," and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer??!"
The blonde says "I have no idea," hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Morty and Selma, an elderly couple, were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
Selma, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
Selma turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
Selma gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from New York. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the most annoying woman I've ever met."
Selma turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
Morty yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!"
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
From eBay...
.
.
LOST IN THE TRANSLATION
The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to
their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only
to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use
for the manure stick".
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they
learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of
what's inside, since many people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el
Papa),the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on
the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you".
Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate)
meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make
you pregnant".
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate".
U.S. Type Set
Guess I don't get this one???
Louis Armstrong
21th instead of 21st.
It says 21th street. It should say 21st street.
U.S. Type Set
O. K. thanks. I guess my brain was in skim mode and just converted the "th" to "st". The laughs on me!
Louis Armstrong
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
The guy who made that sign probably just had a lith problem, lith, LITHsp daminth.
Dammit I hate this new urinal at work! It blows pee all over my brand new shoes. It's disgusting!
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
A....I hope you didn't get your currency wet.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
In difficult times like this, this thread is PURE GOLD.
Stay safe everyone,
Dave