A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. Again, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either!"
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
He said..."Bicycles!"
@ricko said:
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
This guy could have been a Darwin awards winner, or, does it exemplify quick thinking in Northern CA., the home of Silicon Valley?
It seems the writer screwed it up a bit, talking about a 30 pack in one paragraph and 30 cases in another. Given the actual interview of the home owner, we’re talking 30 cases of 30 each… or the proverbial 900 bottles (well, cans) of beer on the wall...
Wanna’ bet we see the home owner in a commercial?
Darwin Award or Silicon Valley Smarts? You make the call...
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
oih82w8 = Oh I Hate To Wait _defectus patientia_aka...Dr. Defecto - Curator of RMO's
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my bird unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."
The vet puts the bird on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your bird is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."
The vet goes into the other room and brings in a Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs the bird a couple of times and walks away. The veterinarian says “I’m sorry your bird is dead”.
The lady is more upset and says “are you kidding me? I want a real examination!”
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the bird. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the bird, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your bird is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $500."
The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all you didn't do anything for the bird."
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $50 for the office visit, $150 for the Lab report and $300 for the cat scan!"
oih82w8 = Oh I Hate To Wait _defectus patientia_aka...Dr. Defecto - Curator of RMO's
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
There was a cruise ship with a magician on board. each time his audience changed so he kept the same magic tricks. The captains parrot was watching him each week and figured out how he was doing the tricks so he began to talk. The parrot would say things like "He is putting the flowers under the table or the cards were all spades, something to that effect. The magician got real angry with the parrot but could not do anything because the parrot belonged to the captain. Then one day the boat sank and the parrot and the magician was on a piece of wood together and they scowled at each other for about a week without saying anything. The the parrot couldn't take it any longer, he asked the magician "Ok, I give up, what did you do with the boat!"
I was waiting for the old reruns of Gunsmoke to come on last night and caught the tail end of Cowboy Way...which I had never seen. The guys metal detecting and digging up his field and finds a 1941 Jefferson Nickel. There's a bit of banter between him and his Girlfriend/wife? Then he gets a better signal. Digs a hole a couple feet deep. Still can't get to it. Then the GF/W pulls up with a backhoe. Takes a big scoop...still hasn't uncovered it as he's still getting a strong signal. Then he says wait! Here's another 1. It's a 1942...all the time the GF/W is treating him like he's a fool. This is over 70 years old! Gotta be worth at least $100.00. Then he finds a 1941! He's constantly going on about how much money it's going to be worth and those lowly buried Jefferson Nickels eventually become worth $500 a piece!
Comments
The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
Cheers, RickO
Pete
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. Again, she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But don't shove me either!"
Cheers, RickO
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'"
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
Cheers, RickO
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders. "What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend, you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
He said..."Bicycles!"
Cheers, RickO
damn, couldn't get to the punch line fast enough
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
ugh. i reluctantly confess to having looked at the picture for around 40 seconds before i saw it. ><
Got both myself and my wife. 🙂
.> @LanceNewmanOCC said:
53 seconds for me😳🤣
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Pete
U.S. Type Set
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
.....and mostly without calculators as well.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
BST transactions: dbldie55, jayPem, 78saen, UltraHighRelief, nibanny, liefgold, FallGuy, lkeigwin, mbogoman, Sandman70gt, keets, joeykoins, ianrussell (@GC), EagleEye, ThePennyLady, GRANDAM, Ilikecolor, Gluggo, okiedude, Voyageur, LJenkins11, fastfreddie, ms70, pursuitofliberty, ZoidMeister,Coin Finder, GotTheBug, edwardjulio, Coinnmore, Nickpatton, Namvet69,...
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
BST transactions: dbldie55, jayPem, 78saen, UltraHighRelief, nibanny, liefgold, FallGuy, lkeigwin, mbogoman, Sandman70gt, keets, joeykoins, ianrussell (@GC), EagleEye, ThePennyLady, GRANDAM, Ilikecolor, Gluggo, okiedude, Voyageur, LJenkins11, fastfreddie, ms70, pursuitofliberty, ZoidMeister,Coin Finder, GotTheBug, edwardjulio, Coinnmore, Nickpatton, Namvet69,...
Slide rule here.
This guy could have been a Darwin awards winner, or, does it exemplify quick thinking in Northern CA., the home of Silicon Valley?
It seems the writer screwed it up a bit, talking about a 30 pack in one paragraph and 30 cases in another. Given the actual interview of the home owner, we’re talking 30 cases of 30 each… or the proverbial 900 bottles (well, cans) of beer on the wall...
Wanna’ bet we see the home owner in a commercial?
Darwin Award or Silicon Valley Smarts? You make the call...
https://sf.eater.com/2020/8/25/21401275/lnu-lightning-wildfire-vacaville-bay-area-bud-light
U.S. Type Set
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
BST transactions: dbldie55, jayPem, 78saen, UltraHighRelief, nibanny, liefgold, FallGuy, lkeigwin, mbogoman, Sandman70gt, keets, joeykoins, ianrussell (@GC), EagleEye, ThePennyLady, GRANDAM, Ilikecolor, Gluggo, okiedude, Voyageur, LJenkins11, fastfreddie, ms70, pursuitofliberty, ZoidMeister,Coin Finder, GotTheBug, edwardjulio, Coinnmore, Nickpatton, Namvet69,...
watch your volume
cat brain freeze
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5Rka0TyrYw
dog brain freeze
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ms4xLzoneVg
and just for those that haven't seen it yet.
cat vs lol
Pete
For the older segment here.....
Cheers, RickO
I'd tell you a Coronavirus joke now, but you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
U.S. Type Set
A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my bird unconscious and I can't wake him -- do something."
The vet puts the bird on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your bird is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."
The vet goes into the other room and brings in a Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs the bird a couple of times and walks away. The veterinarian says “I’m sorry your bird is dead”.
The lady is more upset and says “are you kidding me? I want a real examination!”
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the bird. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the bird, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your bird is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $500."
The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all you didn't do anything for the bird."
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $50 for the office visit, $150 for the Lab report and $300 for the cat scan!"
BST transactions: dbldie55, jayPem, 78saen, UltraHighRelief, nibanny, liefgold, FallGuy, lkeigwin, mbogoman, Sandman70gt, keets, joeykoins, ianrussell (@GC), EagleEye, ThePennyLady, GRANDAM, Ilikecolor, Gluggo, okiedude, Voyageur, LJenkins11, fastfreddie, ms70, pursuitofliberty, ZoidMeister,Coin Finder, GotTheBug, edwardjulio, Coinnmore, Nickpatton, Namvet69,...
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Two robbers break into Ikea at night. Once they’re back again in the car, they compare their loot.
What’ve you got?
Candles, some napkins and this little pencil.
Darn it, me too.
Edited for grammer and spell check, ye right..🙄
How do you sink a blonde battleship?
Put it in water.
This should stick in the minds of all who seek the small date in the 1982 cent series .
Look , four, the opposite style of the no. 2 inside the for.
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
There was a cruise ship with a magician on board. each time his audience changed so he kept the same magic tricks. The captains parrot was watching him each week and figured out how he was doing the tricks so he began to talk. The parrot would say things like "He is putting the flowers under the table or the cards were all spades, something to that effect. The magician got real angry with the parrot but could not do anything because the parrot belonged to the captain. Then one day the boat sank and the parrot and the magician was on a piece of wood together and they scowled at each other for about a week without saying anything. The the parrot couldn't take it any longer, he asked the magician "Ok, I give up, what did you do with the boat!"
I was waiting for the old reruns of Gunsmoke to come on last night and caught the tail end of Cowboy Way...which I had never seen. The guys metal detecting and digging up his field and finds a 1941 Jefferson Nickel. There's a bit of banter between him and his Girlfriend/wife? Then he gets a better signal. Digs a hole a couple feet deep. Still can't get to it. Then the GF/W pulls up with a backhoe. Takes a big scoop...still hasn't uncovered it as he's still getting a strong signal. Then he says wait! Here's another 1. It's a 1942...all the time the GF/W is treating him like he's a fool. This is over 70 years old! Gotta be worth at least $100.00. Then he finds a 1941! He's constantly going on about how much money it's going to be worth and those lowly buried Jefferson Nickels eventually become worth $500 a piece!