A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with piercing stare and said …
“You missed the f#$%ing putt, didn’t you?”
The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."
The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the King continued on his way.
In a short time, however, a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the King hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential places.
The practice is unbroken to this day.
Have you reached that delusional age when you think everyone
your own age actually looks older than you?
Also known as Class
Reunion Self-deception.
The older you get the more you appreciate cancelled plans, early
nights, thunderstorms, and alcohol that's on sale.
I'm not bragging but... I just went into another room and
remembered why. Hey, it was the bathroom, but I still deserve
some credit.
Some people just won't admit their faults. I certainly would...
if I had any.
You all may find this humorous, but not me (at least for today).
I went for a bike ride this morning and while on the outgoing trip kept saying I can go farther (I ended up going to the county line and as a result ended up riding over 27 miles).
A couple of miles before the county line I started to fade. However I kept going and made it to the county line. That felt good.
However the return trip took forever (with multiple stops). Finally made it home 9 hours after I left.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
@SanctionII I feel you. I tried to do a quick 20min out-and-back run and ended up walking a mile home with a bad calf.
I’m pretty sure I looked real funny limping back
A Philadelphian committed suicide and left the following note:
I married a widow with a grown daughter. My father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her—thus becoming my son-in-law, and my step-daughter became my mother because she was my father’s wife.
My wife gave birth to a son who was, of course, my father’s brother-in-law, and also my uncle for he was the brother of my step-mother.
My father’s wife became the mother of a son, who was, of course, my brother, and also my grandchild for he was the son of my daughter.
Accordingly, my wife was my grandmother because she was my mother’s mother. I was my wife’s husband and grandchild at the same time—and, as the husband of a person’s grandmother is his grandfather—I am my own grandfather!
and THIS from real life......
A Family Tree With Way Too Many Tangled Branches
Life is all about relationships—some of which can get awfully complicated! Here’s a little piece I wrote back in 1992 that was printed in CIty Pages and the San Francisco Chronicle....
If Rolling Stone Bill Wyman, 56, and ex-wife Mandy Smith, 22, decide to reconcile, genealogists could celebrate. Here’s why: Wyman’s 30-year-old son, Stephen, just announced his engagement to Patsy Smith, 46, who is none other than Mandy’s mother!
If both romantic partnerships succeed, Bill Wyman would become his son’s son-in-law, because he would be married to his son’s stepdaughter. Mandy Smith would become Stephen Wyman’s mother because she would be his father’s wife. By virtue of his marriage to Mandy’s mother, then Stephen Wyman would be both Mandy’s son and father. Likewise, Patsy Smith would be Mandy’s daughter as well as her mother.
Of course, things get real interesting if both couples decide to have children.
If Patsy Smith has a son, the child would be Bill Wyman’s brother-in-law and Stephen Wyman’s uncle because he would be the brother of this stepmother, Mandy Smith. If Mandy has a son, the child would be Stephen Wyman’s brother as well as his grandchild because the baby would be the son of his daughter.
It then follows that Patsy Smith would be her husband’s grandmother because she was his mother’s mother. Stephen Wyman would be both his wife’s husband and grandchild. And since the husband of a person’s grandmother is his grandfather, Stephen Wyman would be his own grandfather!
@CoinscratchFever said: @Rollerman That is funny, just today I was telling my SS YN to hit to right field because that kid was definitely watching the dandelions grow
My YN in deep thought after making it to the championship.
The Rockies should bring him up to the majors... god knows they could use the help lol.
@marcmoish said:
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven’t met yet.
I joined the same group last year! Our first meeting is coming up next week...maybe.
USAF (Ret) 1974 - 1994 - The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. Remembering RickO, a brother in arms.
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
@ricko said:
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Comments
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with piercing stare and said …
“You missed the f#$%ing putt, didn’t you?”
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."
The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the King continued on his way.
In a short time, however, a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the King hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential places.
The practice is unbroken to this day.
Change your password to incorrect. It will be given to you.
I think it’s nice that wife and off are two different settings.
So this is the Easy Pass ?
Wrong kind of mask. Enjoy your apple.
Have you reached that delusional age when you think everyone
your own age actually looks older than you?
Also known as Class
Reunion Self-deception.
The older you get the more you appreciate cancelled plans, early
nights, thunderstorms, and alcohol that's on sale.
I'm not bragging but... I just went into another room and
remembered why. Hey, it was the bathroom, but I still deserve
some credit.
Some people just won't admit their faults. I certainly would...
if I had any.
The saddest news that I have seen in a while:
Disneyland has announced that they have closed the Matterhorn ride as the mountain is falling apart.
The Mysterious Egyptian Magic Coin
Coins in Movies
Coins on Television
You all may find this humorous, but not me (at least for today).
I went for a bike ride this morning and while on the outgoing trip kept saying I can go farther (I ended up going to the county line and as a result ended up riding over 27 miles).
A couple of miles before the county line I started to fade. However I kept going and made it to the county line. That felt good.
However the return trip took forever (with multiple stops). Finally made it home 9 hours after I left.
I am beat and sore and worn out and sun burned.
I know my wife will look at me and say "Idiot".
Can't say I disagree with her.
![]
Mrs. Baker, a fifth grade teacher, observed a student in her class during a True/False test, flipping a coin and then choosing an answer.
Mrs. Baker thought to herself, "Hah! Norman didn't study again."
This answer selection method continued throughout the entire test.
After Norman was obviously finished, Mrs. Baker again watched Norman flipping the coin and continuing through the test a second time.
"Norman, what are you doing now?" asked Mrs. Baker.
Norman replied, "I'm doing what you always tell us to do! I'm checking my answers!"
Another version of the talking dog joke.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
@SanctionII I feel you. I tried to do a quick 20min out-and-back run and ended up walking a mile home with a bad calf.
I’m pretty sure I looked real funny limping back
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
This from Mark Twain....
A Philadelphian committed suicide and left the following note:
I married a widow with a grown daughter. My father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her—thus becoming my son-in-law, and my step-daughter became my mother because she was my father’s wife.
My wife gave birth to a son who was, of course, my father’s brother-in-law, and also my uncle for he was the brother of my step-mother.
My father’s wife became the mother of a son, who was, of course, my brother, and also my grandchild for he was the son of my daughter.
Accordingly, my wife was my grandmother because she was my mother’s mother. I was my wife’s husband and grandchild at the same time—and, as the husband of a person’s grandmother is his grandfather—I am my own grandfather!
and THIS from real life......
A Family Tree With Way Too Many Tangled Branches
Life is all about relationships—some of which can get awfully complicated! Here’s a little piece I wrote back in 1992 that was printed in CIty Pages and the San Francisco Chronicle....
If Rolling Stone Bill Wyman, 56, and ex-wife Mandy Smith, 22, decide to reconcile, genealogists could celebrate. Here’s why: Wyman’s 30-year-old son, Stephen, just announced his engagement to Patsy Smith, 46, who is none other than Mandy’s mother!
If both romantic partnerships succeed, Bill Wyman would become his son’s son-in-law, because he would be married to his son’s stepdaughter. Mandy Smith would become Stephen Wyman’s mother because she would be his father’s wife. By virtue of his marriage to Mandy’s mother, then Stephen Wyman would be both Mandy’s son and father. Likewise, Patsy Smith would be Mandy’s daughter as well as her mother.
Of course, things get real interesting if both couples decide to have children.
If Patsy Smith has a son, the child would be Bill Wyman’s brother-in-law and Stephen Wyman’s uncle because he would be the brother of this stepmother, Mandy Smith. If Mandy has a son, the child would be Stephen Wyman’s brother as well as his grandchild because the baby would be the son of his daughter.
It then follows that Patsy Smith would be her husband’s grandmother because she was his mother’s mother. Stephen Wyman would be both his wife’s husband and grandchild. And since the husband of a person’s grandmother is his grandfather, Stephen Wyman would be his own grandfather!
I'm totally confused. But would just simply toast to being around family each Christmas!
The Rockies should bring him up to the majors... god knows they could use the help lol.
@Off_Cent_er Maybe in a few years
Wife didn't exactly agree, but...
And this is why they call me "Bustchaser"
Of course, she didn't really agree with this either, but it's true.
BACK OFF
I said TWISTER..
.NOT Twitter. There goes a cow post.
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.
We haven’t met yet.
file:///var/mobile/Library/SMS/Attachments/36/06/1D750099-935C-4290-9C25-F92A918759F6/IMG_5204.jpeg
I joined the same group last year! Our first meeting is coming up next week...maybe.
USAF (Ret) 1974 - 1994 - The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. Remembering RickO, a brother in arms.
Pete
Cheers, RickO
peacockcoins
Cheers, RickO
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole." Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
Cheers, RickO
Now that, is FUNNY! ☺️