1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside
them is in alphabetical order."
3rd responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is
color-coded."
4th intercedes: "I like engineers... they always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end."
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the
conversation, says: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless,
gut-less and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE
(As told to me, by another who heard it from someone , who.....)
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth! You can't make this stuff up!
Paddy was driving down the street in Chicago sweating because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared at Deloitte and N Clark.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
While working as a student nurse, however, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Art Linkletter had a TV program called "Kids Say the Darndest Things."
A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns .
"It is not polite"."Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"
"Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."
Undaunted , the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions , honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend
"Well,"said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license
It is like a report card it has everything on it", later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ," I know how old
you are . You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140pounds ." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
" How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"
"And ,"the little girl says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really?"The mother asks ." And why's that?"
"Because you got an F in sex".
THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you
expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in
a test tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."
" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the
heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make Artificial Perspiration."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton
is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars,and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
I really like this thread. I hope it doesn't go away because it's not coin related. Humor IS the best medicine......right up there with old dogs, children, and strawberry wine.
Comments
Gotta get to Dunkin Donuts I guess
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb, Ricko
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
While at first glance this seems funny, I do feel sympathy for the person.
Five surgeons are taking a coffee break.
1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside
them is in alphabetical order."
3rd responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is
color-coded."
4th intercedes: "I like engineers... they always understand when you
have a few parts left over at the end."
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the
conversation, says: "I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless,
gut-less and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
U.S. Type Set
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?'
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast?'
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
I lost my job at the calendar company, all because I took a few days off.
Dave
A good friend will always tell it to ya straight
.
R.I.P Son 1986>2020
often true..............
R.I.P Son 1986>2020
Here's another:
Love it!
Pete
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE
(As told to me, by another who heard it from someone , who.....)
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth! You can't make this stuff up!
Paddy was driving down the street in Chicago sweating because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared at Deloitte and N Clark.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
I agree, it must be quite dehumanizing for the person in the photo. We can have fun without adding to their suffering.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
While working as a student nurse, however, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Isn't it funny when the wife gets angry at you, that she thinks she's punishing you by not talking to you?
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Got the little bas#$*&! This one really made me laugh out loud.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
i see little Rascal all over that face......
R.I.P Son 1986>2020
Pete
Pool table on a cruise ship.
Art Linkletter had a TV program called "Kids Say the Darndest Things."
A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date. "Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns .
"It is not polite"."Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"
"Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."
Undaunted , the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions , honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend
"Well,"said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license
It is like a report card it has everything on it", later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ," I know how old
you are . You are 32". The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140pounds ." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.
" How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"
"And ,"the little girl says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce".
"Oh really?"The mother asks ." And why's that?"
"Because you got an F in sex".
What a catchy tune! You've got plenty of time now, so there is no excuse not to learn it...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BXKsQ2nbno
You don't want be under that 'chem trail'.
Boy are you savvy! You must of lost your pacifier. Put the politics down and go back to your corner. I will bring you another pacifier!
You do realize that was an IQ test? For all parties concerned.
Pete
Day 59
Dave
Doing The Laundry
Time to Wash It - 30 minutes
Time To Dry It - 60 minutes
Time To Put It Away - 7 to 10 business days.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Pete
That windshield might be the coolest thing on the car.
Low rider!
How many here knew this was a 34 Ford 5 window coupe hiboy?
Where's the icon with the "hand holding up"?
THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS' SCIENCE EXAMS:
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is
pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you
expire."
"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in
a test tube"
"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide"
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state"
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
expectoration."
" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them
and makes them perspire."
"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can
hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas."
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains
the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the
heart stops."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make Artificial Perspiration."
"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the
nearest medical doctor."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not
recovered, then kill it."
"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
dead."
"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton
is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
two molars,and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends
towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it
is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through
Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
U.S. Type Set
I really like this thread. I hope it doesn't go away because it's not coin related. Humor IS the best medicine......right up there with old dogs, children, and strawberry wine.
I'm reading an awesome book about gravity, its impossible to put down.
Dave
This Just In:
Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
I couldn't believe it! My wife told ME I was acting immature. I told her GET OUTTA MY FORT!
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Your anus is a planet and it’s real big.