Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”
“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am just here to get something to eat."
Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Joe arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
I don't know if this counts as a joke, but based on the abby road joke I relate:
A few weeks ago I was in a clinic lab waiting room to get some labs done. There were over six different signs that said "No cell phone use!", "All cell phones must be turned off!" , etc.
There were 23 people in the room besides me and the staff. One was a young woman with a toddler all dressed up like spider man (mask included). She was preoccupied because the kid was re-enacting every stunt from the movies right there in her lap. All 21 other people were head bent down on their phone.
I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights and decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!!
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police. I have to brake hard to slow down, I have to toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All this while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
Comments
Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.
“Mother,” he replied, “they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”
“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”
“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”
Cheers, RickO
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am just here to get something to eat."
Cheers, RickO
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
I’ll give this one 5 ⭐️🌟🌟🌟🌟
Lafayette Grading Set
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
From the local men's club;
JUST KIDDING!
No-sense Headlines
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Ah-h-h, I don't think so!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
That's why they get the big bucks!
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
The punishment doesn't really fit the crime!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Kinky, very kinky!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Can't really blame them!
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
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USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
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Must be Ted Cruz in disguise
Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.
Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.
When Joe arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"
The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
Cheers, RickO
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Gotta' be an old fart to get this one....Oh, Well.... Here goes....
Breaking Bad/Mario cart mash-up
https://youtu.be/9dKVTWZyg_o
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
.
that is too much!
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
I don't know if this counts as a joke, but based on the abby road joke I relate:
A few weeks ago I was in a clinic lab waiting room to get some labs done. There were over six different signs that said "No cell phone use!", "All cell phones must be turned off!" , etc.
There were 23 people in the room besides me and the staff. One was a young woman with a toddler all dressed up like spider man (mask included). She was preoccupied because the kid was re-enacting every stunt from the movies right there in her lap. All 21 other people were head bent down on their phone.
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Subject: Christmas lights request.
Hello neighbor,
I don’t mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights and decorations in your yards, would you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together!!
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police. I have to brake hard to slow down, I have to toss my beer out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. All this while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
And I hate your mangling of the English language.
Smitten with DBLCs.
Cheers, RickO
funny and/or cute.
take your pick.
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Available parking 24/7
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Must be safe - using the orange strap- what could go wrong
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
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USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Pete
If this is an accident - it is a real head scratcher
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Seriously - this needs a couple more straps to pass code
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Cheers, RickO
.
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Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"
Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."
"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.
"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom.
"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.
"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".
"What if that had been vandalized?"
"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"
"Because he's never seen a train crash."
Cheers, RickO
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date