A man in Florida calls his son in New York the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Houston and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Florida immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Scored! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
Your All Going to Laugh at me! Your all Going to Laugh at me!
I got these tennis shoes 14 years ago as hand me downs when my stepfather passed away.
After they passed being acceptable in public I started wearing them around home...no need to worry about my shoes! I have land and do a lot of stuff that can be rough on shoes. They are so comfortable I have violated my not be seen in public wearing them a few times!
Well my right shoe just got it's average yearly update. The left shoe isn't far behind!
Your All Going to Laugh at me! Your all Going to Laugh at me!
I got these tennis shoes 14 years ago as hand me downs when my stepfather passed away.
After they passed being acceptable in public I started wearing them around home...no need to worry about my shoes! I have land and do a lot of stuff that can be rough on shoes. They are so comfortable I have violated my not be seen in public wearing them a few times!
Well my right shoe just got it's average yearly update. The left shoe isn't far behind!
I had a pair like that. I used them for yard work. They finally fell apart.
Your All Going to Laugh at me! Your all Going to Laugh at me!
I got these tennis shoes 14 years ago as hand me downs when my stepfather passed away.
After they passed being acceptable in public I started wearing them around home...no need to worry about my shoes! I have land and do a lot of stuff that can be rough on shoes. They are so comfortable I have violated my not be seen in public wearing them a few times!
Well my right shoe just got it's average yearly update. The left shoe isn't far behind!
I had a pair like that. I used them for yard work. They finally fell apart.
Knopfler can count as his greatest accomplishment . . . . getting Slow Hands to play backing guitar. Would that be like Mario Andretti helping you to build your Pinewood Derby car ????????
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the
same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, reminiscent of the
whole
"write it 100 times" punishment.
Each episode is usually different. Someone apparently went through the
trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and writing down
what Bart is writing on the board. These are the collected writings of
the
Simpsons from the chalkboard exercises that Bart writes during the
opening credits.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
The teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an Emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Missing from the list is the words in the UFO episode featuring
the voice of David Duchovny:
The Truth is Not Out There
@bearcave said:
Always have to turn up the volumn when I hear Mark Knopfler start on that song!!
He does it a little differently than the radio version.
Your All Going to Laugh at me! Your all Going to Laugh at me!
I got these tennis shoes 14 years ago as hand me downs when my stepfather passed away.
After they passed being acceptable in public I started wearing them around home...no need to worry about my shoes! I have land and do a lot of stuff that can be rough on shoes. They are so comfortable I have violated my not be seen in public wearing them a few times!
Well my right shoe just got it's average yearly update. The left shoe isn't far behind!
I had a pair like that. I used them for yard work. They finally fell apart.
I did have them duck taped but I stepped on a stick and it ripped the entire sole off. That was the only reason that I tossed them.
@bearcave said:
Always have to turn up the volumn when I hear Mark Knopfler start on that song!!
He does it a little differently than the radio version.
Only Clapton could pull off wearing that pink suit, he's that friggin cool!
Comments
. Dang me...Dang me. They 'otta take a rope an' hang me!
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Bad transactions with : nobody to date
.
A man in Florida calls his son in New York the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Houston and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Florida immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Scored! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Your All Going to Laugh at me! Your all Going to Laugh at me!
I got these tennis shoes 14 years ago as hand me downs when my stepfather passed away.
After they passed being acceptable in public I started wearing them around home...no need to worry about my shoes! I have land and do a lot of stuff that can be rough on shoes. They are so comfortable I have violated my not be seen in public wearing them a few times!
Well my right shoe just got it's average yearly update. The left shoe isn't far behind!
Damn, may I suggest giving up selling coins and take a job with Amazon?
I had a pair like that. I used them for yard work. They finally fell apart.
Lif is too short
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
You didn't have any of the universal fixer Duct Tape?
Always have to turn up the volumn when I hear Mark Knopfler start on that song!!
He does it a little differently than the radio version.
Knopfler can count as his greatest accomplishment . . . . getting Slow Hands to play backing guitar. Would that be like Mario Andretti helping you to build your Pinewood Derby car ????????
Drunner
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
The opening credits of The Simpsons shows Bart Simpson writing the
same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard, reminiscent of the
whole
"write it 100 times" punishment.
Each episode is usually different. Someone apparently went through the
trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and writing down
what Bart is writing on the board. These are the collected writings of
the
Simpsons from the chalkboard exercises that Bart writes during the
opening credits.
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
The teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an Emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Missing from the list is the words in the UFO episode featuring
the voice of David Duchovny:
The Truth is Not Out There
U.S. Type Set
Then you must love this version https://r.search.aol.com/_ylt=A0geK.dQYLRe64QAlRBpCWVH;_ylu=X3oDMTByMDgyYjJiBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMyBHZ0aWQDBHNlYwNzYw--/RV=2/RE=1588908241/RO=10/RU=https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x79di/RK=0/RS=AyxzM3MrLeJxFot_X0TrzvIdjbY-
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
He__ of a guitar player!!
Great version too, @1630Boston !
On second thought....
I did have them duck taped but I stepped on a stick and it ripped the entire sole off. That was the only reason that I tossed them.
a chuckle anyway (corny)
R.I.P Son 1986>2020
Only Clapton could pull off wearing that pink suit, he's that friggin cool!
At'e logo, Joe
https://www.ebay.com/itm/1972-Quarter-Mint-Mark-Is-Unreadable-It-Must-Have-Been-A-Damp-Place/402255380808?hash=item5da84a0148:g:y1gAAOSw9htenbnk
Day 83 of social distancing.
I ran out of toilet paper and had to use lettuce.
That was just the tip of the iceberg.
Isn't this the truth?
are political jokes allowed about the stupidity of presidents of certain countries?
My kids' eyeballs are going to roll back to the breaking point when I share this one with them...
Smitten with DBLCs.
Why did Mickey Mantle retire from baseball?
.
.
.
He suffered from Mantle illness.
That's a good one, @hammer1
LOL
I haven't read the entire thread so forgive me if this is old.
Wow. These T-bones are great.!
Grrr...