A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you jerk. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Three men were stranded on a one palm tree island.
One of them found a gravey boat, ok a lamp.
Out came a chokeing mist, ok a jeanne.
jeanne says,
I can grant each one of you a single wish.
The first castaway wishes to be home with his family enjoying their Thanksgiving day feast.
Poof he's gone.
The second castaway wishes to be back in his girlfriends arms.
Poof there he goes.
The third castaway wishes...
"I miss my friends can I have them back?"
Poof...
Old Miss Bea is in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The local pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat and talk to her while she prepared some tea.
As he sat, facing her old pump operated organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea, the innocent old and frail woman who everybody likes, had gone a bit insane, or something must have happened to her mind! But he certainly could never mention the strange sight in her parlor.
After all, he was the pastor and imune to such indiscretions.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to control his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon, it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ and keep it wet. It also said it would prevent most diseases.
And you know,??.
I haven't had a cold all winter".
The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home,
filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a
box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but saw
nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the
flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth.
He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out.
Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the
light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the
room, and noticed a birdcage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he
discovered a parrot in the cage.
"Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the
burglar."Yes, I am", said the parrot. "Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you?'" asked the man. "Because I felt like you needed to be warned", replied the
parrot.
By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than
a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare
the living daylights out of him.
"What's your name? Asked the burglar.
"Moses," the parrot said. "Hah," the man guffawed. "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?" The parrot exclaimed, "The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."
Comments
Pete
LAPD officers dressed up as women to go undercover to catch a purse-snatcher 1960
The criminal would have to be high as a kite to go after one of these "ladies."
The ones wearing lipstick were a little too into it.
That’s it, I’m gonna order a Far Side daily calendar.....
Good idea..........I have more to post.
Pete
I bought a camouflage shirt last week and now I can’t find it.
This post got rejected half a dozen times by the spam filter - maybe it was trying to tell me something...
There !
Only took me a...158 days but its fixed.
I'm really to old for this crap.
IMG_3941.MOV
Best place to buy !
Bronze Associate member
Smoker's mask..
Pete
Looks like my trash pick up guy.
That's a typical NYC scene only they do it by hand.
My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations, but I'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.
Uncomfortable products that didn't make the cut...
Hey he put up safety tubes, what could go wrong?
The world has turned upside down.
Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
Why didn't I think of that?
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you jerk. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Squidbrain.............LOL!
Pete
The hardest part of shopping online is getting up to get your credit card.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
After walking up three flights of steps, do you hold your breath so people standing nearby don't hear you fighting for your life?
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
I can see this thread coming to an end. So here goes, read completely,
LOL!
THIS is why the thread will NOT end.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
I couldn't figure out why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
That is just plain funny!
Oh, yea!!!!!
Three men were stranded on a one palm tree island.
One of them found a gravey boat, ok a lamp.
Out came a chokeing mist, ok a jeanne.
jeanne says,
I can grant each one of you a single wish.
The first castaway wishes to be home with his family enjoying their Thanksgiving day feast.
Poof he's gone.
The second castaway wishes to be back in his girlfriends arms.
Poof there he goes.
The third castaway wishes...
"I miss my friends can I have them back?"
Poof...
Rodney Dangerfield:
"My wife screams during sex."
"Mine, too. Especially when I walk in on her."
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
I colored out his face on purpose.
Little old lady, Miss Bea
Old Miss Bea is in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The local pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat and talk to her while she prepared some tea.
As he sat, facing her old pump operated organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of the organ, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea, the innocent old and frail woman who everybody likes, had gone a bit insane, or something must have happened to her mind! But he certainly could never mention the strange sight in her parlor.
After all, he was the pastor and imune to such indiscretions.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to control his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon, it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ and keep it wet. It also said it would prevent most diseases.
And you know,??.
I haven't had a cold all winter".
The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home,
filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a
box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe. Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but saw
nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the
flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth.
He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the
light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the
room, and noticed a birdcage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he
discovered a parrot in the cage.
burglar."Yes, I am", said the parrot. "Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you?'" asked the man. "Because I felt like you needed to be warned", replied the
parrot.
a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare
the living daylights out of him.
U.S. Type Set
Which somehow reminds me of this:
Hey, yall, watch this!
^ this guy couldn't get the idea out of his head.