Some more of what we really learned from our parents
My mother taught me foresight:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."
My father taught me irony:
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of osmosis:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about contortionism:
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about stamina:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
What we really learned from our parents
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
My mother taught me religion:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My father taught me about time travel:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
My father taught me logic:
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me more logic:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Company on declining to sign the Beatles, 1962
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is
inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876
"Reagan doesn't have that presidential look."
United Artists executive after rejecting Ronald Reagan as lead in
the 1964 film The Best Man
"Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers,
unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia."
Dr Dionysius Lardner, 1830
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after
my money.
Jimmy, do you think I'm a bad dad?
Yes! My name is Jack.
I advised my wife to embrace her mistakes... she gave me a big
hug.
I recently found this note in my electric bill:
We would be delighted if you sent your payment by the due
date. If you don't, YOU will be de-lighted!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? ... an Investigator
There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time. The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, 'If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, 'if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!'
The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, 'if I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, 'If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.'
Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else.''
Finally, the blond man's wife said, 'I don't know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!''
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
#LetsGoSwitzerlandThe Man Who Does Not Read Has No Advantage Over the Man Who Cannot Read. The biggest obstacle to progress is a habit of “buying what we want and begging for what we need.”You get the Freedom you fight for and get the Oppression you deserve.
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
“Hello, is this Father O'Malley?”
“It is!”
“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”
“I can!”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“I do!”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is!”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”
There was this party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Eeeeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!)
This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"
So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"
The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"
"Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think about that?"
The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I was going pretty fast."
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.
"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"
He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.
The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Comments
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
Some more of what we really learned from our parents
My mother taught me foresight:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an
accident."
My father taught me irony:
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of osmosis:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about contortionism:
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about stamina:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
What we really learned from our parents
My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."
My mother taught me religion:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My father taught me about time travel:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
My father taught me logic:
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me more logic:
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me."
Sometimes you just can't see beyond your own nose
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Company on declining to sign the Beatles, 1962
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is
inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876
"Reagan doesn't have that presidential look."
United Artists executive after rejecting Ronald Reagan as lead in
the 1964 film The Best Man
"Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers,
unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia."
Dr Dionysius Lardner, 1830
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after
my money.
Jimmy, do you think I'm a bad dad?
Yes! My name is Jack.
I advised my wife to embrace her mistakes... she gave me a big
hug.
I recently found this note in my electric bill:
We would be delighted if you sent your payment by the due
date. If you don't, YOU will be de-lighted!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? ... an Investigator
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time. The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, 'If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, 'if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!'
The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, 'if I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, 'If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.'
Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else.''
Finally, the blond man's wife said, 'I don't know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!''
Cheers, RickO
.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.
''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''
''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''
''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''
''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.
''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''
''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''
''Ruff!"
''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''
''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''
"Ruth."
The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws him onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.
"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Cheers, RickO
Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea. "I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
My Billy used to do the same things," the older woman replied, "but I broke him of that pesky habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth!"
Cheers, RickO
Not the same Dutch Oven I know.
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
“Hello, is this Father O'Malley?”
“It is!”
“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”
“I can!”
“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”
“I do!”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“He is!”
“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”
“He will.”
Corn Dog - also called Snoop Dog by some
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
But they are both are powered by gas.
Throw a coin enough times, and suppose one day it lands on its edge.
Alexa ?
Where redecorating again.
Successful transactions with : MICHAELDIXON, Manorcourtman, Bochiman, bolivarshagnasty, AUandAG, onlyroosies, chumley, Weiss, jdimmick, BAJJERFAN, gene1978, TJM965, Smittys, GRANDAM, JTHawaii, mainejoe, softparade, derryb
Bad transactions with : nobody to date
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
There was this party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Eeeeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!)
This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"
So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"
The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"
"Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think about that?"
The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I was going pretty fast."
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.
"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.
The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"
He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.
The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
Cheers, RickO
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Cheers, RickO
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Ahead of its time!
I still have mine.
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
Wayne
Kennedys are my quest...
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members
USN & USAF retired 1971-1993
Successful Transactions with more than 100 Members