Options
It's time for some OT lunchtime humor. Typical male behavior...
Insider2
Posts: 14,452 ✭✭✭✭✭
Typical male behavior: At a coin show there is one bathroom. It is designed with two urinals next to each other and three stalls with doors. Three dealers who are strangers are approaching, and then enter. All need to just pee. The first goes to the urinal. The second goes into a stall, The third goes into the stall as far away from the other leaving an empty stall between them. Then another dealer walks in. Where does he pee? The urinal or the empty stall? Which one does not wash his hands? 
3
Comments
he pees on a cac sticker, which he thinks has ruined his business model.
a bunch of slabs w/coins (only the reverse sides showing) were left on top of the middle toilet. What would you do?
Are any of them "potty dollars"??
He chooses to wait so he doesn't have to pee next to anyone and as he holds it in and it gets worse, he bites down on a worthless unmentionable slab with a MACGEE ruining the sticker.
Later, Paul.
Sink.
bob
This is why I go before a coin show and I make sure to lay off the coffee for the day.
"“Those who sacrifice liberty for security/safety deserve neither.“(Benjamin Franklin)
"I only golf on days that end in 'Y'" (DE59)
The urinal or the empty stall?
Neither. Pee's his pants to take attention away from the Mustard Stains on his shirt.
Ken
Turn them in so the owner can be located.
He notices the place is packed and so washes his hands and leaves. The other three complete their business and walk out without washing their hands.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Stall, always the stall.
Sadly we had to do this at USAFA past lights out...
Wait....Is this one of those questions where someone yells at us, "The other dealer is a WOMAN, and goes to the ladies room, you sexist pigs who assume all dealers are men!! You're sleeping on the couch tonight....."
In my long career as a deviant, over the years I've had to clean several woman's bathrooms. Except for the ones in the Service (no doors on the stalls), all woman's bathrooms I have cleaned only have sinks and stalls so women don't need to be mentioned in the post. Sorry ladies, but you already knew this.
Ladies rooms don't have urinals? Wtf?
Um, no.
Thanks for the humor, why isn't there a water cooler, or joke section.
I have one:
CONVERSING WITH DOCTORS IS NEVER EASY OR REASSURING
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and
he said, “Things are great. Never felt better. I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that, Doc?” The doctor thought a second and began to tell
a story. “I have an older friend who is an avid hunter . One day he was setting off to go hunting
in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a large male beaver. He realized he left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the beaver. Out
of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 86 year old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else shot the beaver.” The doctor replied, “My point exactly!”
In this case,** only** that guy washes his hands.
The first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty -year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of fifty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for fifty years. How about ten and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, party and enjoy your life .. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
42
...126...186...210...?
NMN
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke standing at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ray.” Ray was stunned, “I’m dead? No it can’t be! I have so much to live for. Please send me back!” St. Peter said, “I’m sorry but there is only one way you can go back and that’s as a chicken.” Ray was devastated but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?” “Not bad, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m going to explode!” “You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?” “Never” said Ray. “Well, just relax and let it happen. It’s no big deal.” He did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming! As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard:"Ray, wake up. You’re pooping in the bed!” Getting old just ain’t always what they said it would be!
My favorite "clean" joke:
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
After explaining the requirements, the head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every seven years."
The man agreed and after seven years of toiling in the fields and other long hard work, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Bad food" the man replied.
Seven more years went by of toiling in the fields and other long hard work, the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Cold floors" the man replied.
Then seven more years went by of toiling in the fields and other long hard work, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit" said the man.
The head monk replied, "Well I'm not surprised because you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
No doubt, last guy in uses stall. Never stand next to another man at a urinal that doesnt have dividers.
And the only guy that doesnt wash his hands is that last guy in (who is likely the last guy out). All others wash their hands because they dont want the others to see them not do it. Only the last guy out has noone looking so he doesnt wash.
My YouTube Channel
I like the monk joke...Thanks rln
My goodness............great posts.
Pete
Ahh yes, the urinal with the warm running water. Lol
My Original Song Written to my late wife-"Plus other original music by me"
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8A11CC8CC6093D80
https://n1m.com/bobbysmith1
Another one from my senior men's club:
Senior citizens should be recruited to join the military, not 18 year olds. Why? A number of reasons. “First, researches say 18 year olds think about sex every 10 minutes. Seniors for only a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. If captured, seniors couldn’t spill the beans because they’d forget where they put them. Boot camp would be easier for us because we’re used to getting yelled at by our wives and we are used to soft food. And the military should lighten up on the obstacle course. I’ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side. So let us track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists…..the last thing an enemy would want to see is two million pissed off old bastards with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. And one more terrific idea! How about recruiting women over 50…when in menopause! You think men have attitudes?! Ohh my God!! If nothing else, put them on the border patrol. They would have it secured the first night!”
Too funny!
(USAFA ‘91)
ANA LM
USAF Retired — 34 years of active military service! 🇺🇸
Once during BCT my roomie and I needed to go take a dump (those heavy protein diets were not agreeing with us, and after a week we had enough and needed to go!), so we went after lights out. Needless to say that was the most scared I've ever been in a bathroom! Little did we know, our Flight Commander was in the stall next to mine...
Sign hanging on the bathroom door: DEALERS ONLY
A man walking down the street trips over an old oil lamp. As he picks it up, a genie pops out and says, "I will grant you one wish." The man says, "I want to live in a mansion in Hawaii, but I'm afraid of boats and planes, so I want there to be a bridge from here to there." The genie sighs. "That's too much work. Sorry, can't make it happen." The man says, "Fine, then I want to understand women." The genie replies, "Would you like two or four lanes on that bridge?"
Great transactions with oih82w8, JasonGaming, Moose1913.
Another painful one:
WHEN IN HEAVEN BE CAUTIOUS TO WHOM YOU ARE SPEAKING
Two ladies were talking in heaven. “Hi! Wanda.” “Hi Sylvia. How’d you die”? “I froze to death” “How horrible”
“It wasn’t bad..after I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
How about you”? “I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But I found him in the den watching TV.” “So what happened?” “I was so sure
there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked
under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.” “Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer…we’d both still be alive!
Several months ago my wife decided she HAD to have something and that I had to go get it for her.
This was about 11PM, so I made the trek to Wal Mart.
It was very cold, and I am not a young man, so when I got there, I had to use the bathroom.
I walked in and went to the urinal and heard someone in a stall who obviously needed to have more fiber in their diet.
Grunting, groaning, sighing, etc., mixed with loud sounds of flatulence echoed in the bathroom.
I almost felt sorry for the poor bastard.
As I was washing my hands, an elderly woman came out of the aforementioned stall, took a look at me, squinted her evil eyes and said, "What the hell do you think you're doing in here?!"
I calmly pointed to the urinals, and said, "I don't think they have those in women's rooms."
"Oh my God!" she said, "How long have you been here?"
"I just came in to wash my hands" I said, trying not to laugh.
She apologized for yelling at me, took a look at the urinals, shook her head a few times and walked out, slightly humbled.
The look on her face when she walked out of the stall was so funny!
She really could use more fiber though... I wanted to give her some dietary advice....there was a lot of straining going on....lol
I actually thought I was reading a joke.
"A dog breaks your heart only one time and that is when they pass on". Unknown
Another one from our local senior men's club:
IT’S TIME TO START THE GOLF SEASON WITH APPROPIATE RESPECT Manure….An interesting fact. In the the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what happened. After that the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction “Stow high in transit” on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch the volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T”, (Stow High in Transit). So it’s really not a swear word which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a well used golfing term!
My YouTube Channel
A guy tees off on the first hole. He slices it into the woods. He searches and find he has a decent lie. He looks toward the green and has a tree off to the left and one off to the right. He figures he can go between them.
His shot hits the tree on the left, bounces off onto the tree on the right, ricochets off the tree and smack in the middle of his forehead killing him instantly.
When he reached the pearly gates, St. Peter looks at his paperwork and say, “So, you’re a golfer, huh, you any good?” The guy say, “I got HERE in two.”
An 'old Salt' walks into a bar, the bartender remembers him but he is different in many ways. For instance he now has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a eye patch covering one eye.The batertender says, "You don't look so good." The Old Salt asks "Why?"
"The last time you were in here you did not have a wooden leg."
"Arrrg, I took a cannon ball to me leg and now I have this here wooden peg."
"And the hook, what happened to your hand?"
"Aye, I was in a saber fight and lost me hand and now I have this hook."
"And the eye patch, what happened there?"
"I was on deck looking up at the main sail when a seagull crapped in me eye."
"You mean to tell me a seagull blinded you?"
"Nay matey, it was the first day with me new hook!"
"Keep your malarkey filter in good operating order" -Walter Breen
I had a flat tire on the interstate, so I eased my car over to the right shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the
car, and opened the trunk. I took out 2 life-sized, full-color cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the
rear of my car - facing the oncoming traffic. They looked so life-like . . . you would not believe it! They are
dressed in tan trench coats exposing their nude bodies (with special artistic attention applied to their nether
regions) which were deliberately exposed to the approaching drivers.
As I expected, the cars immediately started slowing down while their drivers were looking at my life-like “helper
men”. This made it much safer for me to work with my jack and spare tire at the side of the road. And, of course,
as you might expect, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy!!! Well, it
wasn't long before a crispy-critter State Trooper pulls up behind me with those flashing blue lights. He gets out of
his car and starts walking toward me. I knew immediately that he was not a happy camper! The Trooper yelled:
“What in Hell is going on here?”
I said calmly:” My car has a flat tire, sir.”
“Well, what are those totally obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?”
I could not believe that he actually did not know. So I told him:
“Helloooooo, Officer . . . Those are my 'Emergency Flashers”.
God, Jesus and Moses go out to play golf.
Moses tees off, and hits a solid drive 200 yards down the middle of the fairway.
The Jesus lines up his shot, takes a healthy swing, and smacks it 250 yards down the middle of the fairway.
The God gets up. Trumpets sound, angels sing, trees bend before His backswing...and the ball dribbles ten feet off the pin.
Then a rabbit runs out of the rough on the left side of the fairway, grabs the ball in his mouth, and heads off toward the other side of the tee.
Then a fox runs out of the woods, grabs the rabbit and the ball in his teeth, and runs back toward the left side of the fairway.
The an eagle swoops down, grabs the fox, the rabbit and the ball in his talons, and starts flying down the middle of the fairway.
Then a blinding lightening bolt flashes out of a cloud, strikes the eagle, the fox and the rabbit dead. The ball falls on the green and bounces into the hole.
Then Moses turns to the other two and says, "Look, you guys. Did you two come out here to play golf, or just to f*** around?!"
Here's a warning parable for coin collectors...
Many years ago I was at a Montreal Expo's game that appeared to involve a lot of beer for the fans and was exciting to the final out. Then everyone headed for the bathrooms at the same time. There were three guys in every sink!
A few years later I was at a rock concert and the men's room had plenty of urinals but the line for the ladies room was about 50 girls. luckily I was about done when a bunch of girls decided to take over the men's room stalls and came running in.
Successful BST deals with mustangt and jesbroken. Now EVERYTHING is for sale.
@Insider2
I am sure other female members would enjoy it too 
May I have a typical "female behavior" story as well so I won't feel left out?
Well! There's a button up there that says New Discussion! Click it and have at it! I'm sure us old codgers would luv to hear some female humor!
@Paradisefound
I'll go first. Ever notice that humans of the female persuasion like to go to the powder room in pairs. Please continue with the feminine side. My original behavior "observation" (I really was not looking!!) turned into a joke session. Some are very funny.
Yer in too deep for me.
A wild eyed (and butt ugly) old woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, D.C. waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out;
"I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911A1 with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber.
I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?"
A female voice from the back of the room called out,
"You Need More Ammo, Mrs. Clinton".
IT'S NICE TO HAVE COMPANY Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen? "Will you get me some ice cream?" "Sure". "Don't you think you should write it down?" "No I can remember it". "Well I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You better write it down". "No, I can remember". "I'd also like some whipped cream on top. I'm certain you'll forget that…write it down!" "I don't need to-ice cream, strawberries and whipped cream-got it, for goodness sake!" He goes into the kitchen, returning in 20 minutes. He hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, and finally says: "Where's my toast?"
Red Skelton’s Tips for a Happy Marriage
Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, mine is in Texas I take her everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time,” she said. So I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was and she told me it was in the lake. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t realize her first name was Always. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault, though. She asked what was on the TV and I replied, “Dust.”
GOLF QUOTES - Sam Snead - "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with its shadow". George Brent - "I was three over today; one over a house, one over a patio and one over a swimming pool." Jim Murray - "Actually, the only time I ever used a one-iron was to kill a tarantula..and I took a 7 to do that." Mickey Mantle - "The only sure rule in golf is: He who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie." Jack Nicklaus - "Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best."