The clankeye Papers-Emma's story

laurentyvan

The Clankeye papers-Emma’s story


Mrs. Emma Pitcairn, wife of the late Commander Pitcairn
Elizabeth Swanhurst, spinster
Amanda Ashley, wife of the late Judge Albert Ashley

These are the three women involved with one man, a dilettante ne’er do well who, with a silver tongue, impeccable manners, and boyish good looks took advantage of these ladies charms. I refer to Colonel Clankeye, late of the 5th Brigadoons, retired at an early age due to a war wound in the left buttock.

All three women have taken it upon themselves to commit to a lengthy correspondence, all manner of outrage and slight to their good nature. This is their story…

Emma Pitcairn:
My husband the Commander, God bless his soul, had just passed when I met the Colonel. He was so gallant and charming that I felt an immediate kinship with him. I am mindful of social protocol and with my husband barely cold in the ground, I kept my relationship with him a secret from everyone except Sally, my chambermaid. Sally and I talked about everything and she thought him a rogue but a dashing one.

The colonel was a vigorous lover, if not a skillful one, and he filled a void in my life.
My first inkling of trouble came when the butler reported a missing set of south African coins which my husband had brought back with him from his service to the government. According to James, they were quite valuable and a favorite of my husbands. He did not accuse anyone, but simply asked if the Colonel had been looking at them.
I questioned the good Colonel who disavowed any knowledge of the coins whereabouts.
At that point I let the matter fall and gave it no further thought. But James came to me again, several more times in fact, with the news that small but valuable items were missing from their resting places. Again he pressed me as to the Colonel and his activities in the house. So persistent was he that I agreed to help lay a trap to snare the culprit, whoever he was. I informed the good Colonel that I was visiting my cousin in Halamshire and would not be back until the next day. Sally was used to accompanying me but claimed a chill and said she would stay in bed for the day.

I left the house only to return that afternoon. James met me at the door and indicated the Colonel’s presence upstairs. We were quietly ascending the staircase when a woman’s shriek rang out. Without further ado, we rushed to the door of Sally’s room, whose cry it had been, and burst it open.
I tell you, words fail me at this point. The rogue had my Sally spread-eagled on the bed, hands and feet tied with black ribbon, ravishing her and she enjoying it, giving tongue to her emotions. Discovered inflagrente delicto, the Colonel hastily gathered up his clothes and fled, and I have not seen or heard from him since. I am convinced he has the coins and other mementos of my husband– I pray you help me regain them. Yours, Emma Pitcairn

1jester

Perhaps the Colonel's been framed by the vixen seductress Sally?? Or even that famous temptress, the widow of the late Commander Pitcairn??After all, how can we assume that the Colonel is anything but completely honorable?

tbirde56

And what about his accomplice, Colonel Mustard, in the study, with the candle and the rope??

JohnZ

SLANDER!

The Colonel would only use his best fur-lined stainless steel cuffs for such an occasion.

Clankeye

Mrs. Emma Pitcairn.... Emma Pitcairn. Yes, well the name rolls off the tongue with the grace of drunkard on the poop deck, doesn't it?

Dear lady, if tales like yours were to be believed I am responsible for half the urchins born out of wedlock in Yorkshire. I assure you not only was I not involved in a carnal escapade with the maid in question, but that the restraints I had her bound with were entirely for MY protection. And if perchance my open hand met her ample rump more than once or twice, I assure you it was she moving into me!

It has been my bad luck and a hinderance to my military career to be so alluring to the opposite sex. BUT BY GOD, MADAME! I and my little soldier soldier on!

As for the coins of your late husband, he must have spent them at the local brothel looking for the excitement so lacking in the frozen tundra of your marriage bed.

The continuation of this calmuny against me shall result in grave consequence to you and yours, madame. I would think twice--which would presume you have ever had a thought at all--before you continue in this fashion.

You are warned,

Colonel Cornileus Clankeye

laurentyvan

Emma continues her sad tale in a second missive, delivered into my hands but yesterday.

She relates the following: pray do not listen to any accusations against me from that dastard who robbed me of valuables and of my good name. The washerwomen of the neighborhood wag their tongues day and night and I have have no peace of mind thinking of the terrible slights they recount against me. This Colonel is evil; a charmer and a rogue but evil.

It has also come to my attention that an acquaintance of the Colonel's was in the house that fateful evening, a Frenchman by the name of Gustave Moutard (also known as mesieu mustard, because of his name)) who may be able to shed additional light on the matter. Please attempt to discover his whereabouts-I understand that he, like the Colonel, is fond of frequenting brothels. As ever, Emma

Edited to add: for the Genesis to this insanity, read the last half a dozen posts to this thread