CONTEST Win a Paul Hornung Auto L@@K!!1! ++We have a winner++

stown · June 23, 2007 2:25AM

It's been a while, so enjoy!

Up for grabs is a 2006 Upper Deck SweetSpot autograph of HOFer Paul Hornung:

Don West would probably claim this card to be worth hundreds of thousands (if it can ever be found) but in reality, it's like a $20 card.

Rules

It's real simple. Make me laugh

The best original joke, picture, putdown, or story, based upon my discretion and my discretion only, will be the winner... The peanut gallery's opinion may influence my decision, but so will bribes and/or kickbacks

You can enter as many times as you like and hecklers WILL be considered for the prize.

Contest ends Monday at 9:00 PM CST.

BONUS PRIZE

If I blow coffee all over the monitor, laugh so hard that tears come out, or fall out of the chair from laughing hysterically, I'll throw in a little extra something-something.

kadokakid · June 23, 2007 2:32AM

I'll try this since it's that time of the year.

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer

and watching his wife mow the lawn. A neighbor lady was so outraged at
this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"
To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!

Peace

Doug

tennesseebanker · June 23, 2007 3:01AM

A woman who has been a Beatle fan her whole life, goes into a Tatoo Parlor and tells the man she wants a Tatoo of Paul McCartney on one side of her inner thigh and John Lennon on the other inner thigh.
After the tatoo artist is finished he hands the woman a mirror, She exclaims; Neither one of these tatoo's look anything like Paul or John.
At that moment an old drunk man stumbles into the Tatto parlor, So the woman wanting an unbiased opinion ask the old man,"Do you think either of these Tatoo's look like Paul Mccartney or John Lennon?
The old man laughs and says, " I dont know about that, But that guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson !

gstarling · June 23, 2007 3:04AM

What's the hardest part about roller blading?

Telling your parents you're gay.

lawnmowerman · June 23, 2007 3:23AM

mkg809 · June 23, 2007 3:26AM

mkg809 · June 23, 2007 3:28AM

HeritageAddict · June 23, 2007 3:39AM

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, the bartender says "Hey you can't bring that monkey in here." to which the man replies "He won't cause any trouble he'll just sit right here at the bar and watch me play pool." The bartender says "Okay, but any trouble and you are both out of here." Everything goes fine for awhile and then all of a sudden the monkey jumps on the pool table and swallows the cue ball, the bartender says "That's it I warned you, you're both out of here". The man tries to calm the bartender down and says "It's no big deal, in a couple of days he'll pass the cue ball I'll clean it up and bring it back into you." A couple of days go by and the man shows back up with his monkey and the cue ball, the bartender says "thanks for bringing back the cue ball, but that monkey can't be in here", the man says "he'll be fine just give him a bowl of grapes and he'll just sit right here." The bartender gives the monkey a bowl of grapes and the monkey picks one up looks at it, sticks it in his butt, then eats it. The bartender yells at the man"You've got to get this monkey out of here, I can't have him doing that in my bar, why is he sticking the grapes in his butt anyway?", the man says "Well ever since he passed that cue ball he sizes everything up before he eats it."

stown · June 23, 2007 3:39AM

+1 for the little dog that could

pandrews · June 23, 2007 3:40AM

stown · June 23, 2007 3:47AM

I liked the original picture better

SoonerCowboy · June 23, 2007 3:49AM

It's been awhile since I've told this one:
An accountant gets thrown in jail for some creative book keeping. He is really anxious about going to prison and his lawyer tells him that the prison has a liason that helps ease a persons nerves who is about to become a new resident. When the accountant gets to prison he contacts the liason and tells him that he just don't think he'll make it in prison very long. The liason aks, "well do you like bowling?", the accountant replies, "why yes I love bowling!". The liason replies, "great, you'll love Mondays because every Monday we have some professional bowlers take all of us bowling. They buy us lunch, drinks and pay for bowling all day long." The liason aks, "well do you like golf?", the accountant replies, "why yes I love golf!". The liason replies, "great, you'll love Tuesdays because every Tuesday Tiger Woods, Phil Mikelson and some other pro golfers take all of us golfing. They buy us lunch, drinks and pay our green fees all day long." The liason aks, "well do you like basketball?", the accountant replies, "why yes I love basketball!". The liason replies, "great, you'll love Wednesdays because every Wednesday Shaquille O'neal, Allen Iverson and some other basketball players take all of us to a gym. They buys us lunch, drinks and we play all day long." The liason aks, "well do you like football?", the accountant replies, "why yes I love football!". The liason replies, "great, you'll love Thursdays because every Thursday Larry Johnson, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and some other pro football players take all of us to a rented field. They buys us lunch, drinks and we play football all day long." The liason aks, "well do you like sex?", the accountant replies, "why yes I love sex!". The liason asks, "straight sex or gay sex." The accountant replies, "well straight sex or course." The liason replies, "oh, you're gonna hate Fridays then."

perkdog · June 23, 2007 3:51AM

Stown, I forgot to mention that you can only be "Collector of the month" once, we need to let others have a shot.

HeritageAddict · June 23, 2007 3:55AM

Lawnmowerman posted the manny pic yesterday, only the background has been altered.

CDsNuts · June 23, 2007 4:05AM

Knock, knock......

stown · June 23, 2007 4:07AM

Yo! Who at the door?!

CDsNuts · June 23, 2007 4:09AM

Orange.....

stown · June 23, 2007 4:10AM

I don't know know no orange.

CDsNuts · June 23, 2007 4:11AM

Orange.....

Carew29 · June 23, 2007 4:12AM

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

stown · June 23, 2007 4:13AM

You can keep on knocking but you can't come in.

CDsNuts · June 23, 2007 4:13AM

Orange.....

stown · June 23, 2007 4:14AM

Okay, okay...

Orange who?

CDsNuts · June 23, 2007 4:15AM

"This is getting way away from the important matter of Hidden Treasures boxes."

stown · June 23, 2007 4:16AM

Meh.

CDsNuts · June 23, 2007 4:18AM

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

Oh wait, this joke got a thread poofed.... nevermind, just use your imagination.

Lee

wolfbear · June 23, 2007 4:26AM

A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks "Why the long face?"

A skeleton walks into a bar.
Orders a beer and a mop ...

gregm13 · June 23, 2007 4:29AM

This is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time:

Introducing the wedding party:

First, the handsome groomsmen and the fine looking groom (in red)

Red ties, black ties, no tie. Mass confusion.

"Alright, everyone, let's line up for the picture. Let's see... hmmm, where shall we.... oh, yes! Perfect! Everyone, please move quickly! Right over there, in front of the garage. Yes, that will be just smashing!"

I guess a jacket at a wedding would just be too citified, so let's just pin these boutonniere's right on the white shirts. Bubba, put down that cigarette! And no smoking during the ceremony! I told him it's tacky to light up during the sermon. If we could have put the wedding off for two more months, the groom would have saved enough money for a pair of black shoes. I told him his tennis shoes have black trim... that's good enough.

Next, the lovely bridesmaids and the blushing bride

Not everyone can pull off such a vibrant red, but I think this group does it. Sassy, I tell you, just sassy.

Last, the cute couple

Those Wal-Mart slides really enhance her ankles. Too bad they didn't come in white.

Note how their "outdoor backdrop" is a clearing probably behind the All-Sups where the weeds actually got mowed just for this occasion.

At least his head is somewhat proportionate. To her left boob.

What's she showing us here? A severe case of knee gout?? Apparently, whatever it is has her husband in more of a stupor than usual - How bout those teeth?

"You SO crazy, honey .."

"Here baby, let me help you up here ....."

You can almost hear the banjo music.

Greg M.

SoonerCowboy · June 23, 2007 4:55AM

<< <i>A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" >>

Heard It

SoFLPhillyFan · June 23, 2007 5:05AM

Two guys from West Virginia are walking down the street.

One says, "Hey I'm bored, we need some action."

The other says "Me too. Why don't you call your girlfriend. We'll get her drunk and both of us can have a good time with her."

The first guy answers "You call her this time, she's your sister too."

stown · June 23, 2007 5:21AM

<< <i>Heard It >>

Funny you mention that because I've heard yours too

If you are going to heckle, at least kick it up a notch.

tennesseebanker · June 23, 2007 5:25AM

Dumb Kid

envoy98 · June 23, 2007 5:41AM

Guy walks into a bar and sits down for a drink. Bartender comes over and says "What'll ya have?" Guy says "I'll have a beer". Bartender leaves to grab the beer and the guy notices a monkey behind the bar. Bartender returns with the beer and the guy asks "Hey, what's with the monkey behind the bar?" Bartender says "Oh him? Why he's our bl*wj0b monkey. You hit him over the head with a pool cue and he'll give you some special attention." Guy says no way! I gotta see this. So the bartender grabs a pool cue and whacks the monkey over the head and sure enough, the monkey does the deed. Bartender looks at the guy and says "hey, you wanna give it a try" Guy looks back at him with a weird look on his face and says..."Only if you don't hit me so hard"

perkdog · June 23, 2007 5:57AM

mkg809 · June 23, 2007 6:01AM

mkg809 · June 23, 2007 6:05AM

pandrews · June 23, 2007 6:30AM

nam812 · June 23, 2007 6:41AM

A guy walks into a bar and sees a Gorilla sitting at the end of the bar. The guy calls the bartender over and says whats with the Gorilla being in here? The bartender says check this out. He walks to the end of the bar, punches the Gorilla in the face, and the Gorillla drops to it's knees and gives the bartender oral sex. When he's done he walks back to the customer and the customer says "wow thats amazing" The bartender says "you wanna try it?" and the costomer says "ok, just dont hit me as hard as you hit the Gorilla"

CDsNuts · June 23, 2007 6:45AM

nam, never heard that one. Especially not earlier in this thread.

nam812 · June 23, 2007 6:49AM

YOu didnt expect me to read the whole thread, did you Lee?

gotsparks09 · June 23, 2007 6:49AM

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. Bartender says, "What's the deal with the steering wheel on the front of your pants, there?" Pirate says, "Arrrgghhh...it's drivin' me nuts!"

Greg M - That's not funny. That's just sad.

nam812 · June 23, 2007 6:52AM

I kid trick or treating as a pirate on Halloween knocks on a door and the lady of the house opens it. She says "my arent you a scary pirate, but where are your buccaneers?

"Where do you think lady, they're under my bucking hat"

lawnmowerman · June 23, 2007 6:59AM

THE ASTROS WIN THE WORLD SERIES!

Sorry about that man

SoonerCowboy · June 23, 2007 7:01AM

"<< Heard It >>

Funny you mention that because I've heard yours too

If you are going to heckle, at least kick it up a notch."

OK, ya wanna play ruff! - Tony Montana

3 guys answer a want ad for a saleman. The manager tells them that they are in a 3 week probation period and he will evaluate each one at the end of every week to determine who gets the job. He tells them that they will sell tooth brushes. They have to develop their own marketing techniques and sales strategies. Well, after the first week potential employees #1 and #2 have both sold over 200 tooth brushes each and potential employee #3 had sold 20. The manager tells #3 that he has to sell more tooth brushes next week or he'll probably be out of the running. After week #2, potential employees #1 and #2 had both sold over 400 tooth brushes but this time employee #3 had sold over 4,000. The manager tells #3 that he has done an outstanding job and asks him how he sold so many. #3 tells the manager that he has set up a booth at the airport and that the manager should come out and see his setup. Well, later in the day the manager takes a trip to the airport and low behold #3 has a booth, complete with a banner, balloons and chips n dip. The manager looks at everything and says, "boy this pretty professional I think you're gonna make it". Then the manager takes a chip and helps himself to some dip. The manager gets a real disgusted look on his face and says, "man, this dip tastes like crap." #3 says, "it is crap, you wanna buy a tooth brush."

mkg809 · June 23, 2007 7:10AM

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

She choked.

wolfbear · June 23, 2007 7:20AM

A monkey walks into a bar and hits the bartender over the head.
The bartender says "Don't hit me so hard" and then they have sex.

nam812 · June 23, 2007 7:22AM

I got one....I got one

Send me all your wax wrappers I'm building a bar top.

Now that's a joke.

stown · June 23, 2007 7:31AM

<< <i>A monkey walks into a bar and hits the bartender over the head.
The bartender says "Don't hit me so hard" and then they have sex. >>

1989FleerBillRipkencollector · June 23, 2007 7:54AM

What do men and tile have in common?
Lay em right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.

Why do women wear white on their wedding night?
So the dishwasher can match the fridge?

Arsenal83 · June 23, 2007 7:55AM

This homeless guys walks around his local shopping center all day and finally makes enough money in hand outs that he walks into the liquor store and asks the clerk for the best bottle $5 can buy. The clerk reaches behind the desk and hands him a cheap bottle of booze. The homeless guy walks around back to the alley and guzzles down the bottle. Within a few minutes he passes out cold. Walking by a few minutes later, a gay guy notices this unconscious bum and decides to have his way with him. Feeling guilty about sodomizing this helpless guy, he leaves a $5 bill the bum's pocket.

The bum wakes up a few hour later feeling like crap. He dusts himself off and notices the $5. He decides to visit the liquor store again and pick up another bottle of cheap wine. Making his way back to the alley, he drinks this bottle even faster than the last, and passes out yet once again. Minutes later another guy, dressed in a nice suit, walks by and notices this unconscious body just lying there. Not having had sex in quite some time, he decides to bite the bullet and have his way with the passed out bum. He too, feels guilty for what he's done, so he leaves a $50 in the bum's pocket as a token of appreciation.

After a few minutes, the homeless guy wakes up feeling ravaged and notices his new found fortune. Deciding to indulge himself, he makes his way back to the liquor store and asks the clerk for the best $50 bottle of wine he's got. The clerk, surprised by this request, asks the man, why the sudden change in taste. The homeless guy, grimacing in pain, responds, "I need some of the good stuff. The cheap crap you keep selling me is giving me hemorrhoids!"

1989FleerBillRipkencollector · June 23, 2007 8:03AM

stop me if ya heard it...

Superman is flying and sees Wonder Woman on her back sunbathing au naturel. He thinks hmm I can fly down and visit real quick before anyone notices. He does and Wonder Woman says Whoa what was that and the Invisible Man says I dunno but I hurt.

**CONTEST** Win a Paul Hornung Auto L@@K!!1! ++We have a winner++

Comments

CONTEST Win a Paul Hornung Auto L@@K!!1! ++We have a winner++