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My 1000th post giveaway - WE HAVE A WINNER! (info on first post)
PutTogether
Posts: 2,157 ✭✭✭
We have a winner!!! Congratulations BadgrDog on what I judged to be the funniest joke.
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we
>> put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
>> here,
>> years ago.
>>
>> Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
>> food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none
>> of
>> us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
>> water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
>> we
>> all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is
>> that
>> causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
>>
>> After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
>> raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Well, its been nearly a year and a half. I have no idea how some of you guys have 50 thousand posts.
Thank you everyone for the fun, information, discussion, arguing, jokes, and thoughtful comments. I only wish that over this last year and a half I would have gotten a chance to meet some of you in person. Anyway, I'll cut to the chase.
To enter, you must post your funniest joke. Dirty ones are also allowed via PM. Enter as many times as you'd like, different post for each joke please. Feel free to donate your prize to a YN of your choice and I will ship to them. (they need not be a board member)
Since I currently only seem to have very very expensive, and very very cheap coins, I think I have to give away a few of the cheaper ones. I apologize for my 1000th giveaway not being so grandiose, but in a way, the jokes will be like a gift to all.
Prize will be.
1 Silver roosevelt
1 V nickel
1 Silver washington
1 1964 Kennedy
1 40% Kennedy.
1 Envelope with your address on it and some kind of postage attatched. (neat huh?)
Ok now, post me some jokes. (and dont anyone call this OT, cause im giving away coins to coin forum people)
Edited to add I contest will stop at 7pm Monday (PST) I will post a winner by Tuesday.
0
Comments
<< <i>arguing >>
a most generous offer!
"Senorita HepKitty"
"I want a real cool Kitty from Hepcat City, to stay in step with me" - Bill Carter
How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?
By taking the "S" outta Safe and the "F" outta way..........
.......punchline....... There's no F in way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hell, I don't need to exercise.....I get enough just pushing my luck.
I'm surprised you stopped me officar they have a 3 for 1 special at dokin dunots.
Is it true people become cops because their too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Nice 9mm thats nothing compared to my rifle
Just a few
Positive BST as a seller: Namvet69, Lordmarcovan, Bigjpst, Soldi, mustanggt, CoinHoader, moursund, SufinxHi, al410, JWP
<< <i> There's no F in way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >>
nice
Each day he would pass the same corner that a prostitute would stand at.
She would yell, FIFTY BUCKS !,to which Bill would yell FIVE BUCKS !.
This went on for awhile. One day Hillary decides to acompany Bill on his daily walk.
As they aproach the corner, Bill becomes a little nervous. As they pass the prostitute
without incident, Bill gives a quiet sigh of relief when the prostitute turns and yells,
SEE WHAT YOU GET FOR FIVE BUCKS!!!
- Marcus Tullius Cicero, 106-43 BC
http://www.worldschoolphotographs.com
The colour of the writing was very yellow.
CSI was called to the scene and the snow was taken for analysis.....Bill then met with the Chief the next day.
Chief told him that the writing was in urine, "We were able to analyse the DNA and found it to be from Al Gore, but the handwriting was Hilary's"
Hell, I don't need to exercise.....I get enough just pushing my luck.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a Mistake.
He thought probably she meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my ni--les
drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any
new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks ... like I said, my boy's a typical
Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised".
<< <i>celine dione walks into a bar. The bartender says "hey celine, why the long face?" >>
Now that's comedy gold, ladies and gents...
So, here's one of mine (Sorry, it's a long one):
--
One day, a duck waddles into a New York bar. He hops up onto a stool, looks at the bartender and says, "Got any duck food?" The bartender, not really believing what he's seeing, says, "No, we don't have any duck food." The duck shrugs, hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar. He hops up on the same stool, looks at the bartender and asks, "Got any duck food?" The bartender, a little more used to the idea of a talking duck this time, says, "No, like I said yesterday, we ain't got no duck food." The duck shrugs, hops down and waddles out the door.
Next day, the duck waddles in to the bar like he owns the joint, hops up on his favorite stool, looks at the bartender, and asks the question: "Got any duck food?" By now, the bartender is getting tired of this, and says, "No! No duck food! Now get outta here!" The duck shrugs, hops down, and waddles off into the night.
The next day (can you believe it?), same duck, same bar, same stool. The question: "Got any duck food?" Now the bartender is mad: "Look, ya feathered freak. I told ya the first 3 times: NO DUCK FOOD!! If ya come in here again, I'm gonna nail your flippers to the bar!!!" The duck, looking chastened, hops down and waddles slowly out the door.
One month later, the duck waddles into the same bar, hops up on a stool, looks at the bartender and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender, confused, says "Uhh...no." So the duck days, "Good. Got any duck food?"
--
Again, sorry to put you all through that; Maybe it needs to be told out loud, but this is one of my favorite jokes!
BTW, how are you going to determine the winner? Funniest joke, or a random drawing?
Seeing her box!
>> put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
>> here,
>> years ago.
>>
>> Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
>> food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none
>> of
>> us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
>> water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
>> we
>> all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is
>> that
>> causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
>>
>> After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
>> raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
Like VOC Numismatics on facebook
WOW you must have been doing 90 mph to catch up with me
you want my license? it's not on the back of my car?(cheech&chong)
sorry for speeding ,they are having a 2 for 1 at dunkin doughnuts
and.....
Monica lewinsky walks into a dry cleaner and ask the hard of hearing man if he could get out a stain on her blouse ,he says come again? (hes cannot hear to good ) she says.........
no its mustard lol lol lol
bar joke
a bear walks into a bar in bozeman and ask for a beer, the bartender says we do not serve bears,the bears says if you do not give me a beer i will eat the lady at the end of the bar, the bartender says sorry we do not sereve bears, so... the bear eats the lady and says now give me a beer, the bartender says we do not serve bears on drugs, the bear says drugs ? i am not on drugs,the bartender that was a bar-bit-uate (say it slowwww) well i tried lol
anyways please enter me in your giveaway THANKS
the_northern_trading_company
ace@airadv.net
Q: What's the best time to go to the dentist?
A: 2:30
Here's another for those that missed it in the O.F.:
This atom walks into his favorite bar
and tells the bartender, "I'm depressed. Make it a double today."
"What's the matter?" asks the bartender
"I just lost an electron" answers the atom
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
and here's a new one:
Q: How can you tell that you are in a feminist bookstore?
A: There's no humor section.
collections: Maryland related coins & exonumia, 7070 Type set, and Video Arcade Tokens.
The Low Budget Y2K Registry Set
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his butt.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.
Thanks, Ralph
Tiger trout, Deerfield River, c. 2001.
Get your finger out of your ear and listen to me!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Knowledge is the enemy of fear
Guy looks around, doesn't see anyone else around, bartender is at other end of bar
Guy hears, "you look great, that's a nice suit", still no one around
Then he hears, "nice haircut", finally calls bartender over, asks him who is saying these things
Bartender replies, "oh, that's just the peanuts. They're complimentary!"
Liberty: Parent of Science & Industry
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"
Ebay.com
Coins For Sale
WANTED: Canadian coins with rotated die.
Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS."
"Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient.
"You've also got Alzheimer's Disease."
Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."
Ebay.com
Coins For Sale
WANTED: Canadian coins with rotated die.
He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "Pull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"
U.S. Nickels Complete Set with Major Varieties, Circulation Strikes
U.S. Dimes Complete Set with Major Varieties, Circulation Strikes
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.
Ebay.com
Coins For Sale
WANTED: Canadian coins with rotated die.
Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!" and ponders how to put it in words the lad can understand. "Well," he finally says, "you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and it was too late to hit the delete button." "Then what?" the boy asked.
"Nine months later a blessed little pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male!'"
Ebay.com
Coins For Sale
WANTED: Canadian coins with rotated die.
And because of your post count-
What do you call 1000 heavily armed lesbians?
Militia Etheredge!
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy sitting on a barstool drinking a beer
and watching a miniature man playing a piano on the bar in front of him.
Bewildered, the man asked him where did he get his little friend. The guy
said that there was a genie outside the back door granting wishes, so he
goes out back and sure enough, there was a genie. He walks up to the genie
and says "I wish for a thousand bucks". The genie said, "Granted." The man
walks back into the bar and there were ducks flying everywhere. He goes back
up to the man at the bar and says "That genie must be deaf, I asked for a
thousand bucks, not a thousand ducks."
The man replied, "Do you think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
I was in for my annual Hazmat physical and since I am now 40, I get the prostate exam (finger up the butt.)
As I was assuming the position, the doctor laid a box of tissue down and said "Here are some tissues."
To which I replied "Why, am I gonna cry?"
"Is it the S__T House door off a Tuna Boat?'
She telephones the police, and a nearby K-9 unit is the first to respond.
As the officer and dog approach the house, the woman storms out onto the porch and shouts,
“I get robbed, I call the police for help, and they send me a blind cop?”
Congratulations!
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw & force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the freaking cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bxxtard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters......
How to Give A Dog A Pill:
1) Wrap it in bacon.
Coin Show Schedules - www.CoinShowDates.com
I was in court the other day and Mickey and Minnie were standing in front of the judge, telling their story.
The judge turns to Mickey and says " Mr. Mouse I can't grant you a divorce just because you say that Minnie is acting silly.
Micky turns to the judge and say "Your Honor I didn't say Minnie was acting silly, I said she was f***ing Goofy"
Herb
BOOze!
: /
http://my.affinity.is/cancer-research?referral_code=MjI4Nzgz
<< <i>What do ghosts drink?
BOOze!
: / >>
In honor of that one, I present:
What's red and goes putt-putt-putt?
An outboard tomato.
Thank you, folks, I'll be here all week!
I told him I was late for work and my job was important. Cop says...what do you do?
I told him I was a rectum stretcher. "A rectum stretcher?"...what the h#ll is that?
So I proceded to explain that each morning I go to work, get a rectum out of the bin and start stretching it untill it is exactly 6 ft tall.
The cop says..."what do you do with a 6 foot a#*hole?
And I said..............
I take it outside and put it on a motorcycle and hand it a radar gun.............
Ron
The Pope came to Denver, and was met at the airport by a chauffered limosine. While on the Intersate, the driver hear's a tap on the divider and is told by the Pope to pull over.
"Let me drive," says the Pope. "Everywhere I go, people always do the driving for me, and today, I want a turn..."
After some debate, the reluctant driver, concerned about liabilty the Pope's own admission of inexperience, conceded to this strange request - it was the Pope after all!
But almost as soon as the Pope took the wheel, the driver regreted it. He was buffeted around in the back on account of the Pope's wild turns, and judging by the other cars, he guessed he was going 100MPH! So when the familiar sirens came up from behind, they were almost welcome...
When the Pope finally pulled over, the officer was shocked to see him behind of the wheel - momments before he was ready to make a reckless driving arrest, but now he didn't know what to do. To be sure, he decided to call his supervisor...
"Yes, he was driving recklessly, but he is sort of a VIP," explained the officer.
"Well who is it?" asked the supervisor, "Is it the major?"
"No," said the officer, "it's someone a little more important than him."
"The Governor??"
"No, guess again..."
"No - you didn't pull over the President of the United States did you????"
"No, think even bigger..."
"Okay!! I give up! Who did you pull over??"
"Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know who it is - but the Pope is driving him!"
>>>My Collection
George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.
Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
My ebay auctions!!
A man is driving down a deserted stretch
of
highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It
reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his
imagination
and
drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign
which
says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that
these
signs
are
for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and
he
pulls
into
the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a
stone
building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the
bell....The
door
is
answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may
we
do
for
you,
my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the
highway,
and
was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages
and
is
soon
quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells
the
man,
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in
a
long
habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun
instructs,
"Please
place $100 in the cup and then go through the large wooden
door
at
the
end
of this hallway."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and
places
it
in
the
second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips
through
the
door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind
him,
he
finds
himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE
SISTERS
OF
ST.FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
Thank You
SilverDollar
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".
During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday, Democratic
presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase
every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Senator Kerry
refused repeated requests for details of his plan. However, he also
told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES
9,637 times....for every Indian issue ever introduced. Before his
departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential candidate a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Walking Eagle. After Kerry
left, tribal officials explained that Walking Eagle is a bird so full
of s**t it can't fly.
Joke #2
One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Kerry is not the president and does not reside here." The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Kerry is not the president and does not reside here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr.Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the president and does not reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."