Cheesecake is pie
SoCalBigMark
Posts: 2,845 ✭✭✭✭✭
**THE ABSURDLY PEER-REVIEWED, LEGALLY BINDING, PROBABLY ENFORCEABLE TREATY
DECLARING CHEESECAKE A PIE**
(Ratified unanimously by people who clapped when the plane landed)
PREAMBLE (READ IN A VERY SERIOUS VOICE)
Whereas mankind has split the atom, walked on the moon, and invented low-fat cream cheese (a crime), yet
Whereas the question “Is cheesecake a pie?” continues to ruin friendships, holidays, and group texts,
We hereby establish scientific truth, pastry law, and common sense’s drunk cousin.
ARTICLE I: THE CRUST KNOWS WHAT IT DID
Cheesecake has a crust.
Not a suggestion of crust.
Not a garnish of crumbs.
A full structural crust whose sole job is to whisper, “I am pie. Trust me.”
If it were cake, the crust would be on top, frosting-shaped, and emotionally manipulative.
Crust on bottom = pie.
This is not controversial. This is geology.
ARTICLE II: CAKE DOES NOT REQUIRE A BIB
Cake:
Can be eaten casually
Will not collapse under eye contact
Does not demand refrigeration like a hostage
Cheesecake:
Must chill for hours
Threatens collapse if rushed
Needs a springform pan like a Victorian patient needs a fainting couch
This is custard behavior, and custard behavior is pie behavior.
ARTICLE III: THE POUR TEST
Before baking, cheesecake is a liquid.
You pour it.
If you can pour it, bake it, and then slice it into wedges, congratulations:
That’s a pie
You made a pie
Stop lying to yourself
Cake batter dreams of being fluffy.
Cheesecake batter dreams of being dense and judgmental.
ARTICLE IV: THE SLICE SHAME PHENOMENON
When you take a slice of cheesecake:
Everyone watches
Your angle is evaluated
Someone says “That’s a big piece” even if it isn’t
This is pie etiquette, not cake culture.
Cake is forgiving.
Pie remembers.
ARTICLE V: CAKE DOES NOT HAVE FLAVORS LIKE THIS
Cakes:
Chocolate
Vanilla
Red (??)
Cheesecake flavors:
New York
Key Lime
Pumpkin
Lemon
“Seasonal Argument Starter”
If pumpkin cheesecake exists and pumpkin pie exists, and the only difference is vibes, then the vibes have spoken.
ARTICLE VI: THE PAN IS A CONSPIRACY
“BUT IT’S BAKED IN A CAKE PAN.”
Incorrect.
It’s baked in a springform pan, which is just a pie pan that went to therapy and learned boundaries.
Also:
Pies can be round
Cakes can be square
Lasagna is neither and still causes fights
Pan shape is meaningless.
The oven knows the truth.
ARTICLE VII: THE NAME IS A LIE AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN
“Cheesecake” is propaganda.
Other lies include:
“Just browsing”
“Low-fat”
“One more episode”
“This won’t hurt”
Cheesecake is named by Big Cake to avoid being drafted into the Pie Census.
We see through this.
ARTICLE VIII: EMERGENCY REFRIGERATOR LAW
If a dessert:
Sweats when left out
Develops opinions after two hours at room temp
Requires plastic wrap like a crime scene
It is not cake.
It is a custard-based pie organism and must be treated as such.
ARTICLE IX: THE FORK CONFESSION
Everyone eats cheesecake like it’s pie.
No one eats cheesecake like cake.
No birthday candles.
No layers.
No singing.
Just quiet, focused consumption and regret.
FINAL RULING
By the combined authority of:
Science
Baking
Geometry
Refrigeration
And That One Guy Who Will Argue But Is Clearly Losing
CHEESECAKE IS PIE.
This ruling is:
Final
Irrevocable
Enforceable at dinner parties
APPENDIX A: DISSENTERS
Dissenters may:
Continue calling it cake
Be wrong loudly
Still eat it (hypocrites)
APPENDIX B: CHEESECAKE IS NOT A TART
Do not test us.
APPENDIX C: FUTURE RESEARCH
Pending studies include:
Is quiche breakfast pie
Is pizza open-faced cheese pie
Is hot dog a lawsuit
Comments
I could have been convinced with a lot less text. 😆
Next do Bread Pudding. (It doesn't look like pudding to me.)
Best pie eva!
MidPoint Cafe, Adrian, Texas. They're affectionately called the "Ugly Pie". Don't be fooled.
Coconut Cream - It was my #1 pie on all of Route 66. Son had the chocolate pie, sooo good.
fka renman95, Sep 2005, 7,000 posts
What kind of crust is under the coconut cream pie? Graham cracker crumb would make it the best pie ever, regular pie crust would make it a sad disappointment. Almost as bad as topping one with merengue instead of whipped cream.
Graham cracker is totally awesome when used 👌
Yes, but this was pastry crust and here's the difference, they used Crisco instead of butter. Butter is great for graham cracker crust, but it's the ole Crisco (or lard) that our Mom's used to make the pastry crust light & flakey. I had pie on this trip where there was too much crust. No likey, personal tastes, some like it that way.
fka renman95, Sep 2005, 7,000 posts
Its what keeps us happy 👍
And have seen it done that way to
would it be as appetizing named cheesepie?
Cream cheese custard pie.
Sounds good to me.
Collector, occasional seller
A hot dog is not a sandwich.
Llamas and alpacas are camels. They aren't like camels, or related. They are camels. When was anyone going to tell me this?! How long had Bill Nye been holding out on us?