The forum needs a little humor.

You don't have to be Jewish to understand these, but it couldn't hurt...

Things I didn’t Learn In Hebrew School:

-The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
-Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
-No meal is complete without leftovers.
-According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
-A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
-You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.-
-One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
-After the destruction of the Second temple, G-d created Loehmann's.
-Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
-Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
-Next year in Jerusalem. And the year after that, how about a nice cruise?
-Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
-Spring forward, fall back, winters in Boca.
-WASP's leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
-Always whisper the names of diseases.
-If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
-The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
-Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
-If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
-Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:

-Under the same management for over 5763 years.
-Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
-What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
-Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
-Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
-My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was
guilty.
-Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in
front. "What are my choices?," Moshe asked. "Yes, or no," she replied.
-An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into
bed and says, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living...."
-A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it
only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who
have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his
name and forgot to write a letter.
-Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath
and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third
takes a deepbreath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our
children."
-And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"