The fungus amongst us

Justacommeman

Joy to the world the Cowboys lost

While winters frost has suddenly hit us hard, the new year is already ripe with reason for celebration. This week the sun shines a little bit brighter, food tastes just a little bit better, and a stranger's scowl during the morning commute seems just a little bit less menacing. The world is a happier place this week, as the Dallas Cowboys were eliminated from the NFL playoffs.

Here's a toast to the Green Bay Packers, who put the football team with the silver star out of our misery. And it really is all of our misery, as the folks who inexplicably have selected the Cowboys as their rooting interest are a fungus-among-us; they exist from coast to coast, bringing out old Starter jackets and reciting Tony Romo's fantasy value like it somehow excuses the fact that they've never stepped foot inside the city of Dallas.

That's right. A majority of Dallas Cowboys "fans,"... a majority you've met, anyway... probably couldn't find Dallas on a map of Dallas County. The reason so many Cowboys fans exist who have never actually been inside the Lone Star State is because, quite frankly, they're a bunch of front-runners.

Take, for example, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Tell me, how does a man born in Newark, New Jersey, who claims to love the New York Mets, the New York Rangers, and the New York Knicks, also find himself rooting for the Cowboys of Dallas? Simply, because he's a bandwagon fan. Governor Christie was born in 1962, meaning he was just a wide-eyed 9-year-old when Roger Staubach and Tom Landry won the Cowboys a Super Bowl in 1971. Christie had just turned 15 when that combo delivered a second, and he was just into his thirties when the Aikman-Smith-Irvin Triplets starting delivering Lombardi's on the reg, though his soul was likely already bought and paid for by then.

It is this sort of bandwagon-mentality en mass that makes these Cowboys fans so easy to hate. The team you root for is not something you can choose because of record; that is an affront to the Sports Gods, and in that religion, many Cowboys fans are serial sinners.

Of course, when it comes to rooting for someone as dislikable as Dez Bryant, that kind of mindset may be required. The Cowboys hotheaded wide receiver, talented as he may be, has one skill set above them all; he has an incomparable ability to make NFL fans from every wok of life scream at their television screens in unison "Oh my gawd, dude, you are so freaking annoying!"

Watching Bryant's antics on the gridiron is comparable to observing a child throwing a temper tantrum. You know, the kind you spot at the mall or a TGI Fridays. Your gut wrenches as you wonder, "Why isn't this kid mature enough to know how to act in public?"... though those feelings often manifest in the words "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" And through that pit in your stomach, there may be an ounce of sympathy for the parents of this childish-outburst. That is, until you start succumbing to the reality that the entire train wreck of a scene is the result of heavy parental enablement.

Which brings us to the alleged parental supervision over this circus, Mr. Jerral Wayne "Jerry" Jones. The fact that Jerry Jones exists defies reality. A billionaire oil-man who bought a football team in Texas and eventually meddles it into mediocrity, firing anyone and everyone but himself? It's lazy writing, is what it is. Jones stands as the strongest piece of evidence that the entire NFL is fake, because he is quite simply too good to be true.

Jones appointed himself the Cowboys GM about 12 minutes after he bought the team over a quarter century ago, and he will remain in that post until he vanishes from this mortal coil. No matter how unsatisfactory the results continue to be, Jones will never, ever replace himself with someone even remotely qualified... which is hilarious, considering the one thing Jones seems to desire more than being the face of the franchise is the idea of being the face of a championship franchise.

Happily, even with a successful 2014, the 'Boys are nothing more than the league's middle-of-the-pack. In the past 18 seasons under Jerry Rule (postseason included), the Cowboys are 149-141 with just two playoff wins (one coming a week ago under serious protest). To put it in mathematical terms, the Cowboys under Jones are the NFL's mean.

The glorious endgame, of course, is that if Jones continues to fail as a general manager and an owner, then the fans like Christie will eventually cease to be. Front-runners searching for a winner won't pick the Cowboys -- they haven't been, for nearly 20 years now -- because the Cowboys aren't winners. Jones' mediocrity is driving the worst kind of Cowboy fans into extinction. That's what we should be most thankful for.

Never change, Jer.

FavreFan1971

I enjoyed watching the Cowboys of the early 80's. When I started to collect cards in 1982 I liked Danny White, Tony Hill and most of all Tony Dorsett. Yes, I was living in Green Bay at the time but I learned a lot about Tom Landry and was taught to respect the guy. And I did. When Jerry Jones took over and the Cowboys and fired Landry and detested the team on the spot.

So, reading this article brought a nice snicker to my face.

Thanks for posting.

Dave99B

Great read.

Not having to see Jerry Jones anymore is a breath of fresh!

Go Hawks!

Dave

WhiteTornado

I have never liked the Cowboys. Growing up in the St. Louis area in the 1970s, I got to consistently see the old Redbirds be a doormat for the Cowboys year after year. And there were bandwagon Cowboys fans back then, so this is nothing new. I used to root for whatever team I was sure could be Dallas. First it was the Steelers (Super Bowls in the 1970s), then the Eagles (1980), the 49ers (1981), and even the Redskins (1982).

Side note. I know there are a fair amount of Cowboys fans in the DC area, but there is some reasoning behind their choice. The Redskins were the last NFL team to integrate, finally getting African-American players in 1962. Many African-American football fans in the DC area became Cowboys fans because of the Redskins hesitancy to integrate, and knowing the Cowboys were their biggest rival.

As far as Chris Christie, I’m sure his Cowboy allegiance is purely politically-motivated. Keep in mind the ‘Boys play at AT&T Stadium and AT&T still maintains research labs in NJ. It’s just one big swirling pot of influence money.

Lastly, I would suspect the same thing about all of these Steelers fans that seem to exist coast-to-coast. There cannot be that many expatriate Pittsburghers out there, and I’m sure many of those bandwagoners couldn’t find Pittsburgh on a map, either.

dfr52

Jerry Jones is the reason this team has not done well since 1995 but the team has won 3 Super Bowls under his ownership. His love of the spot light and the team have caused him to make some terrible decisions over the years but he finally seems to be listening to wiser voices like his son, Garrett, and their personal guy Will McClay. If not, Manzel would of been a Cowboy. I only hope he continues to keep an open ear to those who can give quality advice rather than making moves that will bring the spotlight to the Cowboys (and usually for the wrong reasons).

On a side not the life style/arts & entertainment writer who wrote this piece seems like he was trying to be somewhat funny but comes of as bitter and somewhat judgmental.

WhiteTornado

<< <i>On a side not the life style/arts & entertainment writer who wrote this piece seems like he was trying to be somewhat funny but comes of as bitter and somewhat judgmental. >>



I tend to agree on that point.