OT, New Bike!
Ladder7
Posts: 1,221 ✭
Little Billy was riding his new red bicycle down the street and a cop on a horse stops him and asks, "Did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?" the boy replyed with a big grin, "yes sir!" and the cop writes the boy a $5 ticket and says "Next year, tell him a reflector goes on the back!"
Billy looked up at the cop and asked "Did santa bring you that horsey for Christmas?", "why yes he did" replied the cop. The boy points at the horse and says "Next year, tell him the dick goes on the bottom"
Happy Holidays, Steve F
Billy looked up at the cop and asked "Did santa bring you that horsey for Christmas?", "why yes he did" replied the cop. The boy points at the horse and says "Next year, tell him the dick goes on the bottom"
Happy Holidays, Steve F
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a Ceremonial Pipe and eying two U.S. Government officials sent to
interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed
the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute
and then calmly replied, "When white man found this land, Indians were
running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."
"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."
"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."
"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."
Then Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough
to think he could improve system like that.
"I spent 50% of my money on alcohol, women, and gambling. The other half I wasted.
<< <i>An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservations, smoking
a Ceremonial Pipe and eying two U.S. Government officials sent to
interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed
the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute
and then calmly replied, "When white man found this land, Indians were
running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."
"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."
"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."
"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."
Then Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough
to think he could improve system like that. >>
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two good old boys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck Bubba asked the Earl, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I think we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
"I spent 50% of my money on alcohol, women, and gambling. The other half I wasted.
diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let
it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline
that has never, ever, had an accident.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cookpit.
S: Something tightened in cookpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cookpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Edited to add: The program forbids the word that pilots sit in so instead I entered cookpit. Ya'll get it I'm sure.
"I spent 50% of my money on alcohol, women, and gambling. The other half I wasted.
<< <i>Little Billy was riding his new red bicycle down the street and a cop on a horse stops him and asks, "Did Santa bring you that bike for Christmas?" the boy replyed with a big grin, "yes sir!" and the cop writes the boy a $5 ticket and says "Next year, tell him a reflector goes on the back!"
Billy looked up at the cop and asked "Did santa bring you that horsey for Christmas?", "why yes he did" replied the cop. The boy points at the horse and says "Next year, tell him the dick goes on the bottom"
Happy Holidays, Steve F >>
where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.
I love you too!!"
While crossing through Alabama, he sees a long isolated bridge and decides to floor it. Reaching 120 mph, he gets to the end of the bridge in no time, only to spot an Alabama State Trooper running radar. The Trooper pulls him over and walks up to the car....
Trooper - going mighty fast arent ya boy?
Joey - yeah, wit a car like dis, you gotta drive fast!
Troooper - sure is a nice care....musta cost a lot. What kind a work you do boy to afford a car like this?
Joey - why, I'm an a$$hole stretcher!
Trooper - a what?
Joey - an a$$hole stretcher...I stretch people's a$$holes.
Trooper - how tha hell do you do that?
Joey - well, I put some Vasoline on 2 fingers and put my fingers in their a$$hole. I pull a little and insert more fingers. I stretch it a little more until I can get my hands in there. Then I pull it apart and stretch their a$$hole until its 6 feet wide.
Trooper - what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?
Joey - Put a radar gun in his hands and let him sit at the end of a bridge.
<< <i>P: Something loose in cookpit.
S: Something tightened in cookpit.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. >>
His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
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She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"
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Buddy asks his friend where he's taking the wife on their upcoming 25th anniversary.
Husband says Im taking her to China.
Buddy says thats nice, but to top that what are you doing on your 50th?
He replies--Im picking her up !!
Dodgers collection scans | Brett Butler registry | 1978 Dodgers - straight 9s, homie
<< <i>An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservations, smoking
a Ceremonial Pipe and eying two U.S. Government officials sent to
interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed
the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological
advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the white man go wrong?
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute
and then calmly replied, "When white man found this land, Indians were
running it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."
"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."
"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."
"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."
Then Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough
to think he could improve system like that. >>
Two thumbs up!
MY GOLD TYPE SET https://pcgs.com/setregistry/type-sets/complete-type-sets/gold-type-set-12-piece-circulation-strikes-1839-1933/publishedset/321940