Your Favorite Joke
Boopotts
Posts: 6,784 ✭✭
Does anyone else have a favorite joke? One that you pull out as an ice breaker when you can't think of anything else to say? Here's mine-
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jaggar?
A: Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud', while the Scotsman says 'Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!'
I've always thought this was just hilarious-- and still do, even though I've probably told it 100 times (101 now).
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jaggar?
A: Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud', while the Scotsman says 'Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!'
I've always thought this was just hilarious-- and still do, even though I've probably told it 100 times (101 now).
0
Comments
<< <i>Does anyone else have a favorite joke? One that you pull out as an ice breaker when you can't think of anything else to say? Here's mine-
Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jaggar?
A: Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud', while the Scotsman says 'Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe!'
I've always thought this was just hilarious-- and still do, even though I've probably told it 100 times (101 now). >>
No..no...that is not the joke I heard...( 20 years ago)
Q: What did Mick Jagger say when he saw Hugh Hefner having sex with Dennis Weaver?
A: Mick says: Hey hey Hugh Hugh get off of McCloud.
1955 Bowman Raw complete with 90% Ex-NR or better
Now seeking 1949 Eureka Sportstamps...NM condition
Working on '78 Autographed set now 99.9% complete -
Working on '89 Topps autoed set now complete
So the man for seven long years, toils in the fields, works extremely hard, follows all the rules and obeys all the tough personal vows including the vow of silence. After these seven long years he walks into the head monk’s office and says, “Bad food.”
Then seven more long years goes by of sweating, toiling, working hard, doing the personal vows, etc., etc., etc. He walks into the head monk’s office and says, “Cold floors.”
Then seven more long years later he walks into the head monk’s office and says, “I quit!”
The head monk says, “Well I can certainly see why, because you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
I'm here all week.
the mother and father were both fit to be parents and
therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody
to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with
your mother?"
"No." said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your
father."
"Oh No," cried the boy, "He beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live
with?"
"I want to live with the Chicago Cubs."
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They never beat anybody."
-- Yogi Berra
10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anyone.
4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
3. Don't stand directly in front of others.
2. Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
1. Don't take extra strokes.
-- Yogi Berra
A: Pick it up and suck it's d***.
Lee
Two elephants are bathing in a swamp.
First Elephant: "Please pass the soap."
Second Elephant: "No soap. Radio."
See?
A: Because he was dead.
Lee
- His hair is allways a mess
- His family is nuts
- His neighbor is an a$$hole
- His best friend is a pus * sy
- His owner beats him
This was much funnier in the day when all three of these guys were going through their personal scandals at the same time, but for those who remember..........
<< <i>Steve Garvey, Wade Boggs, and Pete Rose are sitting at a bar. A real hot chick walks by.
Boggs looks over, drools and says "I wanna have sex with her".
Garvey smirks, leans over to Boggs and says "Heh, she's having my baby" [wink].
Rose leans over to Garvey and says "Wanna bet?". >>
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT."
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS."
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN."
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the Paper read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10."
This was WAY too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE."
The bishop had a heart attack and was buried the next day....
Morale of the story is this:
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ... and even shorten your life!
<< <i>i read this in the "Elephant Joke Book" many years ago, so i thot i'd share....quite possibly the worst joke ever.... >>
Maybe I'm a moron (hope not
her boss asked her whats wrong?
The blonde answers "My mother died."
thats too bad, do you need to go home?
no I'll be all right.
About an hour later she has calmed down and she
gets a phone call. When she hangs up
she starts crying harder than before.
Her bosses rushes in and asked
Whats wrong now?
She say, "That was my sister. Her mother died too!!"
"I spent 50% of my money on alcohol, women, and gambling. The other half I wasted.
A: She choked
Grape Britain
Julen
TGIF
RIP GURU
WTB: 2001 Leaf Rookies & Stars Longevity: Ryan Jensen #/25
WTB: 2001 Leaf Rookies & Stars Longevity: Ryan Jensen #/25
WTB: 2001 Leaf Rookies & Stars Longevity: Ryan Jensen #/25
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.!
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers.
(2) Or do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
<< <i>
<< <i>i read this in the "Elephant Joke Book" many years ago, so i thot i'd share....quite possibly the worst joke ever.... >>
Maybe I'm a moron (hope not
Neither I.................
1955 Bowman Raw complete with 90% Ex-NR or better
Now seeking 1949 Eureka Sportstamps...NM condition
Working on '78 Autographed set now 99.9% complete -
Working on '89 Topps autoed set now complete
mail at a mailbox which is right beside a residence door. Suddenly
the door opens and there is this beautiful blond in a negligee who
invites him inside. She holds his hand and guides him upstairs to the bedroom where they make passionate love.
After the lovemaking session the blond cooks the mailman a big breakfast. After he eats, he is getting ready to leave when she hands him a dollar bill. The mailman who was perplexed by all this but didn't want to ask why and spoil a good thing, suddenly curiousity got the better of him and he says, "Lady, I ain't never even seen you before and I'm just delivering the mail, you invite me in, we make love, you cook me breakfast, now you're handing me a dollar. What's going on here?"
The blond very casually says, "Well, me and my husband were talking last night and I asked shouldn't we give the mailman a nice gift for Christmas? My husband said, "Fvck the mailman, give 'em a dollar" - the breakfast was my idea."
<< <i>
<< <i>
<< <i>i read this in the "Elephant Joke Book" many years ago, so i thot i'd share....quite possibly the worst joke ever.... >>
Maybe I'm a moron (hope not
Neither I.................
No soap radio
No soap radio (often No soap, radio, No Soap Radio, sometimes "No soap... radio?", "No soap. Radio!") is the traditional punchline for a type of prank joke which has a body not directly related to the punchline itself, but is made as if to be humorous by participants in a prank. The first known reference to this form of anti-humor was in the late 1940s. [1]
The joke is notable for its use as a basic sociological and psychological experiment, specifically relating to mob mentality and the pressure to conform.
The prank
The prank itself requires one joke teller, at least two co-conspirators, and a victim. The joke teller will catch the attention of the victim and announce his intention of telling a joke, perhaps stating that it would be particularly to the victim's taste. The joke teller will then proceed to tell the joke, which can be of two main types.
A short joke, often thought of beforehand.
A very long joke, usually improvised and told in a rambling fashion.
The punchline of the joke will have been told to the co-conspirators beforehand – traditionally the phrase, "No soap radio." After the joke teller says the punchline, the co-conspirators will immediately laugh uproariously, treating the joke as if it were, in fact, funny.
In effect, the joke is not to be found in the content itself, but rather in how the victim reacts. The joke is not in "No soap radio." The joke is on you.
The purpose of the prank is to make the one victim of the joke's telling respond with one of two favorable (to the joke tellers) results:
Negative understanding is expressing confusion about what the joke means and feeling left out. In the best case, the victim may inquire about the joke multiple times, ask for a retelling, perhaps over an extended period (sometimes days or a week, rarely longer). The victim may switch to false understanding after getting (facetious) derision expressed from the conspirators. Normally after some time of negative understanding, the prank is revealed in full to the victim.
False understanding is acting as if the joke is humorous when in fact the victim doesn't understand the joke at all. This usually results in savage derision and immediate abandonment of pretense by the conspirators, due to the deception involved.
Additionally, there are various unfavorable outcomes:
The victim may have heard of the "No soap radio" prank before, or figure out what is going on, and understand that this is a prank rather than a real joke. This may result in a few laughs on the part of the conspirators and victim anyway, and is more of a neutral outcome than anything else.
The victim may just ignore the joke and walk away or change the subject. The victim in this case doesn't understand the joke and doesn't care. This is typically the worst outcome.
The victim may dismiss the joke as one that purposely doesn't make sense without fathoming the prank behind it. This may be used advantageously in a method similar to that used in negative understanding, but is much more difficult.
The victim may think the joke is funny for an unintended reason. This is rare, however, and usually results from a poor telling of the joke.
The prank is difficult to pull off convincingly. An outburst of laughter is difficult to fake, even for experienced actors. A simple chuckle, possibly with a statement suggesting understanding of the joke (i.e., "Haha, I get it, that's hilarious!") may work better.
Psychology
No soap radio is a classic example of anti-humor. Of the outcomes listed, false understanding is the most desirable one, to the tellers of the joke. This scenario is a demonstration of groupthink and peer pressure, the need to conform to one's peers. Despite the entire thing being utter nonsense with no hidden meaning, nothing to get, no punchline, nothing special, the key is the conspirators laughing. One can judge a person this way, as being more individualistic or more eager to please their friends, seeing whether or not they exhibit false understanding. The results have typically shown that in practice: when negative understanding results it is more likely from a more independent thinking person, and false understanding is more common for the more group-minded.
This can be likened to laugh tracks, which are intended to make television viewers more inclined to laugh during television shows.
No soap radio is known to have been used frequently in elementary, middle, and high school at various points in history. Although it has not been documented, it is understandable that the joke would thrive in settings so rich in peer pressure.
Examples and popular culture
Since the short variety of joke is usually thought of beforehand, there are a few commonly used ones. For some reason, they often involve animals in bathtubs.
Two polar bears are sitting in a bathtub. The first one says, "Pass the soap." The second one says, "No soap, radio!"
A bull and a bear are taking a bath together. The bull says, "Could you please pass the soap?" The bear replies, "No soap, radio!"
Three penguins are sitting in a bathtub, and the first one turns to the one on the right, and says "Pass me the soap", and the other one says "No soap, radio!"
A foreign man is flying in an airplane. He points out the window at the unfamiliar countryside below and exclaims, "No soap... radio?"
A penguin and a polar bear are sitting on an iceberg. The penguin yells, "Radio!" They both jump in the water.
A king and an elephant were sitting in a bathtub. The king said, "pass the soap" and the elephant said, "No soap, radio!"
An elephant and a duck are sitting in the bathtub. The elephant says to the duck, "Please pass the soap." The duck replies to the elephant, "No soap, radio!"
Two elephants are sitting in the bathtub. One elephant says to the Other, "Please pass the soap." The elephant replies to the other elephant, "What do I look like, a radio?"
The long variety of joke is normally made up on the spot, but may be reused after that. There have at times been a few classic archetypes. One famous long form starts with, "Alright, so these two baseball players are sitting in the stadium for a hockey game," and then goes on, made up as one goes along.
Over the years the joke has become widely known and entered popular culture in other forms, including a radio labeled "No Soap, Radio!" on an episode of The Simpsons, a popular podcast named after the joke, and a band with the name appearing at the Crazy Horse on The Sopranos. It has been used as the name for rock bands, as well as a short-lived TV sketch comedy show (à la Monty Python's Flying Circus) starring Steve Guttenberg that aired on ABC in the spring of 1982. [2].
Difference between ooh and ahh -1 inch
What do men and tile have in common? . Lay them right the 1st time and you can walk all over them for years.
<< <i>An Irishmen walks out of the bar........... >>
And I thought I had the shortest joke ever...
"A baby seal walks into a club........"
Photos That Were Used On Baseball Cards
Three blondes are standing at the edge of a bridge spanning a deep canyon. Each holds two birds, one in each hand.
The first blonde, birds in hand, climbs atop the railing, jumps off and plummets to her death.
The second blonde turns to the third and says, "I don't know if this "budgie jumping" is all it's cut out to be!"
<< <i>Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positing fillitration of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities >>
He goes to a nearby farm and asks if he can buy a rooster. The farmer says sure, but tells him around here we call them c#cks. The guy say ok and leaves.
He comes to another farm to buy a hen. The farmer tell him they are called pullets around here. The new farmer says ok.
He is walking down with both chickens under his arms, he sees a donkey farm. He goes and buys a donkey, but is told they are called A##es around here. The farmenr also says this A## is stubborn. When you are riding him he may stop. When he stops you have to scratch him between the ears. He says OK and goes on.
He is riding this donkey with both chicken under his arms. When the donkey suddenly stops. Looking around he sees an old woman checking her mail.
He calls to her and asks "Excuse me man can you grab my c#ck and pullet while I scratch my A##..
Another customer glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The customer, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you.
That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his Chicken McNuggets in your neck."
Here's two more of my all time faves.
Q) How does herpes leave the hospital?
A) On crotches
Q) What has six balls and f***s you?
A) The Lotto
<< <i>Second one is longer:
<< <i>Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positing fillitration of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities >>
>>
Mike, I haven't laughed this hard in a while. What's the history behind this?
His wife looks at him with disgust and says "That isn't a pig, it is a sheep"
He looks at her and tells her that he wasn't talking to her, he was talking to the sheep.
Try the veal.
<< <i>Mike, I haven't laughed this hard in a while. What's the history behind this? >>
I first read it in a newspaper sidebar years ago, and we still have the clipping on our fridge to this day.
I was reading it again for the umpteen millionth time and still getting belly laughs from it about 4 months ago and reckoned that it's probably posted up on the Internet. In fact I found it with no problems by Googling australopithecus spiff-arino.
Apparently there is this guy, whose name and location varies from one account to the next, who sends in these types of submissions to the Smithsonian on a regular basis. I don't know if it's a fanciful tale, or whether he actually exists, but it is without a doubt one of the funniest things I've ever read.
EDIT: okay, so the letter is in fact a spoof, but it's still funny as hell
Sales: "You want answers?"
Finance: "I think we are entitled to them!"
Sales: "You want answers?!"
Finance: "I want the truth!"
Sales: "You can't handle the truth!!!
Sales (continuing): "Son, we live in a world that requires revenue. And that revenue must be brought in by people with elite skills. Who's going to find it? You? You, Mr. Operations? We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You scoff at sales division and you curse our lucrative incentives.
You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know: that while the cost of business results are excessive, it drives in revenue. And my very existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, drives REVENUE! You don't want to know the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at staff meetings ... you want me on that call.
You NEED me on that call!
We use words like comps, migration, discounts, flex licensing.
We use these words as the backbone of a life spent negotiating something.
You use them as a punch line!
I have neither the time nor inclination to explain myself to people who rise and sleep under the very blanket of revenue I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you" and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a phone and make some sales calls. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!"
Finance: "Did you expense the lap dances?
Sales: "I did the job I was hired to do."
Finance: "Did you expense the lap dances?"
Sales: "You're goddamn right I did!"
My Auctions
"What's the bad news?"
"You're pitching next Thursday?"
Collecting:
1909-11 T206's
1955 Topps AA Football
Nate Colbert (Padres)
A-The winner of last years' Hide & Seek Contest.
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap?"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa; you're lucky I was here with you." After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5.
"Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy, as he reloaded.
The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."
One of them says to the other: "Sol, we've been sitting here talking for 2 hours and you haven't asked how's business!"
The other one: "Sid, my old friend, please forgive me - how's business?"
"Achhh," he says, with a wave of his hand. "Don't ask."
"All evil needs to triumph is for good men to do nothing."
George gets convicted of tax evasion and is going to prison. He tells his lawyer that his is really upset about going. His lawyer tells him to find the prison liason and he will settle his nerves.
He finds the prison liason when he gets locked up and tells him, "hey, my lawyer told me to find you because I am pretty anxious about being in here."
The liason asks "Do you like baseball?" George answers "I love baseball." The liason replies well you'll love Mondays because we have Arod, Manny and Clemens come and they play baseball with us, they buy us drinks and dinner."
The liason asks "Do you like football?" George answers "I love football." The liason replies well you'll love Tuesdays because we have Larry Johnson, Tom Brady and Brian Urlacher come and they play football with us, they buy us drinks and dinner."
The liason asks "Do you like basketball?" George answers "I love basketball." The liason replies well you'll love Wednesdays because we have Jordan, Dr. J and Larry Bird come and they play basketball with us, they buy us drinks and dinner."
The liason asks "Do you like Golf?" George answers "I love Golf." The liason replies well you'll love Thursdays because we have Tigers Woods, Michelle Wie and Vijay Singh come and they play golf with us, they buy us drinks and dinner."
The liason asks "Do you like sex?" George answers "I love sex." The liason asks "straight sex or gay sex?"
George replies, "straight sex." The liason replies, "oh, you're gonna hate Fridays."