A funny give away.......

IlikeZARcoins

The best joke will receive a few cheapie coins.

Make me laugh people.

Edit: you can pick your selection of coins when I PM you.

1jester

El-cheapo giveaway from a true el-cheapo collector!!

IlikeZARcoins

What a boring bunch.............

OK this giveaway ends next Sunday night ( 12th March ).

MadMarty

PM sent.

IlikeZARcoins

Marty received.

Smittys

Eliasberg Gold

OHC6

What, you want us to PM you the joke?

Preussen

edited to remove my remarks. - Preussen

IlikeZARcoins

No please post your jokes here for everyone to see.

I will disallow marty's joke as it can't be seen by everyone.

Preussen feel free to contribute a joke, who knows, if it's good you might even win.

Remember this Giveaway ends Sunday night.

satootoko

SGS is the premier grading company in existence.

(Said with a straight face.)

Musky1011

Smells like tuna
Tastes like chicken
Plug your nose
and keep on lickin!!!

Musky1011

A skeleton walks in the bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop

Musky1011

viagra is like walt disney world

wait an hour for a two minute ride

DBSTrader2

There was a news report this evening that Dick Cheyney killed George Bush with his hunting rifle...................

As the policeman put Dick into handcuffs, he read him his rights, and said, "Mr. Cheyney, you are being charged with shooting the President twice...... first in the heart, and then in the head."

"Not true!" countered Mr. Cheyney, "Technically, after the first shot....... I .... was President!!"

OHC6

May not be appropriate for children between ages 5 and 10...

So a guy goes to the doctor and finds out he has HIV. So the doctor tells him to eat only beans and hot chille (chilly, chille, whatev) for a whole week.

So the next week the guy comes in and says "Im dyin doc!", and the doctor says "yes HIV is life threatining." And the guy replies "No, Ive been takin dumps like crazy for the whole week!"

And the doctor replies "Well, now you know what your butt is for."

Coindexter

OHC6 - Incredibly ignorant.

Let's try this:

Why are women's minds cleaner than men's?

They change them more often.

IlikeZARcoins

1jester

Well, since nobody appreciated my first joke, here's another (by the way, there's nothing new under the sun, so I don't claim to have make it up myself):

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of
dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No,
I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my
time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf
course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless
man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a
woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What
disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The
homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing
that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man
replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like
after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

1jester

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy
staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20
inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner
Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down
and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with
you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to
me?" The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3
pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner
Brown." The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Whew, Thank God! I thought you
said, "Turn around!"

1jester

· In the beginning there was the Plan.

· And then came the Assumptions.
· And the Assumptions were without form.
· And the Plan was without substance.
· And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
· And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of $hit, and it stinks."
· And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
· And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
· And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
· And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
· And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
· And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
· And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy.
· And this is how $hit happens

1jester

A woman, in a hot air balloon, realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude, and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago. But, I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes North latitude, and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes West longitude. She rolled her eyes, and said, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But, I have no idea what to do with your information. And, I am still lost. Frankly, you have not been much help to me." The man smiled, and responded, "You must be a Republican." "I am!", replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well...", said the man, "You do not know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, that you have no idea how to keep. And, you expect me to solve your problem. You are in exactly the same position you were in before we met. But somehow, now it's all my fault.

1jester

Redneck Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love:
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' Ma don't know,
But Joe is yo' half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, "There's trouble still.
You can't marry Will, my gal,
And please don't tell yo' mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.
But Mama knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You ain't no kin to Pappy.

1jester

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and
asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back.
He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress
for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is
that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to
give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on
crutches. .... He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He,too, looked across
the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress
once more allowed as how it certainly was, so the Redneck said to give
Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength
come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out
the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... ... I'm drawin' disability!"

1jester

Subject: New Scam - Very Dangerous
I am forwarding this, because I have been a victim of this scam, and I am not too proud to say, more than once.

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!! Beer Scam

Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere.

"Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless.

After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.

Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship."

In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through an agreement called "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is administered.

Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it, there are male support groups available in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected men.

For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses."

Bailathacl

A guy arrives home to find his woman waiting for him, wearing nothing but a smile and crotchless panties. "Want some of this?" she asked him coyly.

No way!" he replied, "Look what that thing did to your underwear... !!!"



(Edited to add joke more suited for Open Forum....)

1jester

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And The Moral Of This Story Is:

Always Keep Your Condoms In The Car !

1jester

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he
> is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil .
>
> Satan: Why so glum?
>
> Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell!
>
> Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of
> fun down here. You a drinking man?
>
> Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
>
> Satan: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On
> Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila,
> Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and colas. We drink
> till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we
> don't worry about getting a hangover because you're
> dead anyway.
>
> Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
>
> Satan: You a smoker?
>
> Guy: You better believe it!
>
> Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We
> get the finest cigars from all over the world and
> smoke our lungs out. You can't get cancer, you're
> already dead, remember?
>
> Guy: Wow . . . that's awesome!
>
> Satan: I bet you like to gamble.
>
> Guy: Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.
>
> Satan: 'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
> Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots. If you go
> bankrupt . . . you're dead anyhow. What about drugs?
>
> Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
>
> Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help
> yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke
> a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
> drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.
>
> Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
>
> Satan: You gay?
>
> Guy: No . . .
>
> Satan: Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays . . .
>

1jester

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you
since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to
me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about
them
behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains
to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper
pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't
build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of
the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet
voice, said, "If either of you ba$tards asks her if she knows me, I'll
jail
your sorry asses for contempt."

1jester

A couple had only been married for two weeks the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses.. " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. "But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN $H*T! SIT YOUR A$$ DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES CAUSE YOUR MARRIED A$$ ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT $H*T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?" And, they lived happily ever after.

1jester

<< <i>My best joke is off color -- no profanity though. It would probably pass muster in the Open Forum, but I'm not sure that's a good thing. Should I post it? >>



That's up to you, but I don't see why not; jokes usually poke fun at something or somebody!!

IronmanDuke

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house burglarized and ransacked. She telephoned the police and reported the crime. The dispatcher broadcast the call, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby responded.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, saw the policeman and cried hysterically “I come home to find my house robbed, call the police for help, and they send me a blind policeman!”

OHC6

having fun 1jester? Going on a joking spree.

I really like that republican and democrat one and the Beer one.. haha.

1jester

<< <i>having fun 1jester? Going on a joking spree.

I really like that republican and democrat one haha. >>



Yeah, just having a wee bit of fun...thought it'd darken up the place. Besides, I have to earn my keep as the court jester once in a while.

Stork

PM sent .

It's a joke I posted once on the open forum...but I couldn't quite bring myself to post it here.



Cathy

satootoko

A pair of traveling salesmen got off the train at Albuquerque, NM, to stretch their legs during a brief stopover. One of them said to the other, I've been here before and there's something you have to see. He took him to a spot on the platform where an old Navajo in full regalia was seated cross-legged on a rug, sellilng silver and turquoise, and told him "This guy has the most fantastic memory you'll ever run across. Go ahead and test him." The other guy thought a moment, and then said, "Chief, what did you have for breakfast on your 10th birthday?" The Navajo promptly replied "Eggs." Just then the whistle blew and the salesmen had to run back to the train.

Well, about five years later they were back in Albuquerque for another quick stop, and the second suggested that they go see if the old Chief was still there. They walked down the platform and sure enough, there he was. As the salesmen approached him, one raised his hand in greeting and said "How?". The Chief promptly answered [scroll down]








































"Scrambled".

IlikeZARcoins

OK competition is closed.

I've send my 4 favourites to an alternative judge who will let me know shortly who won.

1jester

<< <i>OK competition is closed.

I've send my 4 favourites to an alternative judge who will let me know shortly who won. >>



Wait, wait!!! One more!!!

Sent to me by someone (but name withheld to protect the guilty):

Three ladies were sitting in a waiting room before their OB appointments. They all had about the same due date and were comparing notes on how their pregnancies were doing. One of them said that she expected to get an ultrasound because another friend of hers had one at her last visit to the same doctor. The other two ladies were very happy to hear this and talk then turned to whether or not they were hoping to have a boy or a girl.

The first lady said "Well, I was told having a boy or a girl depended on what position you were in having while having sex when you concieved. I was on the bottom, so I expect that I'm having a girl".

The second lady said "Oh good, I was on top. I hope that means I'm having a boy"

The third lady got a funny look on her face and said "If that's true, then I'm having puppies".

Musky1011

one more for the hell of it

Guy walks into the porn store looking for one of those personal plastic dolls
Clerk say's male or female
he say's female

clerk say's blonde or brunette
he say's brunette

clerk say's christian or muslim
he say's what's the differance

clerk say's
the muslim one blows itself up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jim

mojoman

HERE ARE A FEW BAD JOKES

my wife is so fat our bathtub has strechmarks

what do you call a prostitue with a runny nose? FULL ( YUCH!)


WHATS THE LAST THING THAT GOES THRU A FLIES MIND BEFORE IT HITS A WINDSHEILD OF A CAR DOING 60MPH ? HIS ASS LOL


MOJOMAN: