Fourth of July Celebrations
Stone193
Posts: 24,407 ✭✭✭✭✭
I would like to say Happy Fourth of July! to everyone here or if away, my prayers for a safe and joyous weekend and see you back here safe and sound Tuesday. I have hit the 6 month mark here at CU and have enjoyed every minute of it with you all. Have learned a lot!
Your Friend
Mike - Stone
Your Friend
Mike - Stone
Mike
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Also, have a first aid kit handy because emergency rooms are packed. I've lost friends in waiting rooms. They literally just bled out over the course of eight hours. A regular band-aid might have saved them. Burns are a huge risk especially when you topple on top of a barbecue face-first. Sometimes it's best to let a doctor remove the grill from your face rather than your teenage son who can't even get a "D" in P.E.. Skin, much like digits, is a valued commodity. In order to replace it, you must take it from another part of your body. There are no skin stores. I've checked. Nobody is busy knitting skin. This is important to address when your basic sunburn turns firetruck red and steam comes out of your pores. Spending a week soaking in a tub of butter is fine for a lobster, but can actually become tedious for a human. SPF it up and get some clothes on if you look in the mirror and see an American Indian staring back at you.
Kids often imitate their parents on the 4th so look out for any eight year olds walking around with a can of Pabst. The little buggers blend in and are overlooked until they are vomiting up their half-digested fried chicken. They will also want to get their little hands on the fireworks. Oddly, the fireworks will try to get your kids hands off at the same time. I believe it's best to give each kid a bic and let him/her burn some trash to get the pyro bug out of their system. I also believe it's best to lock your kids in their room until they are eighteen and the taxi arrives to take them to college along with most of your money. Funerals are expensive so tether those kids to a pole and put your mind at ease.
Best friends' wives also become extra frisky after seventeen drinks and nine hours of scorching sunlight. Just remember while you're out doing someone else's wife, their spouse could be doing your wife in your bed. Malt liquor erases all male facial features and we're just huge a handy huge phallis for a women's pleasure. Thus, take note of the guys looking to help in the kitchen. They are beaver thieves trying to get a leg over on your wife. Be aware that corn on the cob holders are considered a weapon in a court of law. If you feel the need to retaliate, shish kabob spears are a better alternative.
If in-laws are part of the 4th equation, keep in mind they will never be drunk enough to forget the diatribe you go off on explaining all their annoying habits. They could drink a quart of antifreeze and still remember a small whisper about how you hope they die so you can finally get your hands on their money. Also, your mother in law can often be that previously mentioned phallis-seeking perv trying to get your pants off. This is a delicate situation that must be handled with tact especially if your mother in law had your wife when she was sixteen and is a yoga instructor. It's a well-kept secret that many men have fathered sisters for their own wives during blackout periods on the 4th. This has a tendency to disturb the delicate fiber holding a family together.
In closing, I'd just like to say the birthday of our Country is important, but so is the rest of your life. You want to stay healthy because Christmas is only six months away and you're sure to have a near fatal accident rigging the lights, putting Frosty on your roof and setting up a tree. Best to face yule time in a healthy state.
Be well,
S.
Loth
<< <i>im celebrating the 4th the old fashioned way- nursing a hangover, about to start drinking again >>
I like our 51st state better.
<< <i>I like our 51st state better.
Mexico???
Happy 4th to all!