2004 Great American Baseball Card Hunt

Scumbi

As some of you know, I'm a television writer. Lately, I've grown mighty tired of writing the same recycled bullcrud over and over again. I can't even get the laugh track to chuckle. Thus, I'm contemplating a road trip across this fine country in pursuit of baseball cards. I imagine I'd come back with something odd in the way of a book. It would be more than just a card hunt. It's the new version of the American Dream - Bilking old, unsuspecting people out of their priceless trash and building a house from the profit which has its own bowling alley I'm working under this rought title - Fear and Loathing in Mr. Mint's Backyard. I'd fill up an old station wagon with beer, guns and pudding and wing it. However, I'm wondering if any of you might have taken this journey recently. I'm not looking to strike it rich, but I'm afraid I might not even come across a pack of Battlestar Galactica second series.

Has anyone made this trek lately? Am I going to be hopping from Motel 6 to Motel 6 with a few hours of Indian Casino chemin de fer in between to kill the boredom? Or, is it something that you enjoyed. There are a lot of places I've never been. Any advice, anecdotes or warnings you can give me.

Also, anyone crazy enough to quit their job and come along. It would be good if you had some photography skills and a sense of humor. Maybe we'd take in a few ball games and meet some women that know how to show proper appreciation when you buy them a drink.

Also, law requires me to add this waiver: You must be at least 14 to respond to this one time offer.

Thanks,

Scumbi

mudflap02

I'm going to have a couple of months between august and october. Sounds like fun.

SoFLPhillyFan

I would gladly play the part of Lazlo.

Keith

DirtyHarry

Let's rent a bunch of Winnebagos and make it a convoy. Starting point to plot the trip is a map of the US with all the Walmarts on it.
Bed down each night in a Walmart parking lot. We get them to sponsor it. Get Walmart to give us their demographic profile for each store location, and pick the most rural, low income level towns. They advertise ..... "The GABCH will be in Podunck Holler on August 1st. Bring your baseball cards and you could get cash on the spot (or Walmart store script)."

Ma and Pa or cousin Elmer hear the ad, and remember they have that box of stuff in the shed from when Uncle Luther passed away and it had some little pictures in it with baseball players on them. They bring 'em down to the Walmart and are happy to get a fistfull of singles to buy some vittles and socks. We interview them all as to how they got their cards and a few other human interest type questions.

You write your book, we make a documetary film on the whole thing, and there will be enough existential fodder left over to create a whole new sitcom. One lucky baseball card toting participant wins a $10,000 credit for shopping at Walmart when it's all over. The PR from that throws some topspin on everything.

All this effort has tired me out. Time for a nap.

Intellectual property copyright 2004, DH Inc.

CON40

DH;

The Bush administration needs your help to put positive spin on those Irag prison shots! LOL! Brilliant!

BTW: If the convoy makes it to Boston, I will get bleacher seats for all to Fenway Park!

wolfbear

If you're comfortable changing a colostomy bag,
and you don't mind having a chain-smoking, alcoholic along,

I'm in for the canoe trip through West Virginia leg ...

DirtyHarry

Wolfbear - I checked the position description and you should be good to go---smoking, drinking and ability to paddle were all listed as part of the requirements.

One thing, though. It listed "being comfortable watching another changing their bag" as a requirement. It does not say anything about having to actually "touch the bag." So.......I'm not sure if I still qualify.

highend

why don't we assemble a band of outlaws, ride cross country on makeshift armored vehicles with m-60's mounted atop them. ride into to every dirt patch along the way and terrorize the populations into surrendering all of the mint vintage cards they've squirelled away over the decades, stock up on booze and take whatever women we want along the way. we could end the reign of terror at PSA demanding preferential grades for our spoils.

first i have to ask my wife if i can go along

FB

Highend,

Doesn't Mr. Mint already do this??????

toppsgun

Dirty Harry, you're a lot funnier than your namesake.

And I think I know where Podunk Holler is. Been there, but no cards ever made it there before 1988 Topps and 1989 Pro Set.

crsportscards33

Hey HIGHEND I've got a name for your "movielike proposal"--- Mad Max Beyond Metrodome. Sorry, that's what the description made me think of.

highend

actually, i was thinking of "mad mint and the lawn gnomes". mr.mint would be cast in the lead role and board members could audition for the roles of the wicked lawn gnomes.
having said that i think i have a meeting to attend.....too much beer while doing lawn work in the hot sun.

DirtyHarry

OK Scumbi, Scumbo, Scumbiman, The Scumiester, Master of Scum, Scum City, Scumorama, SelfProfessedNotFunnyScummyWriter.........
where are you??? We have all taken this to the next level in your absence... The caravan is forming.

Scumbi

Guys,

Sorry but I ingested too much last night and fell into what doctors term a "coma". I've wiped the froth out the corners of my mouth and put on some non-urine soaked duds.

I'm very excited about the enthusiasm. There's something desperate, disgusting and demented about a group of intensely deranged men tailgating in trailers across the US looking for baseball cards and truth. I don't know what we'll find, but I know we'll find something and something just kicks the heck out of nothing. There are answers out there. We will turn every stone and clean every crudbag to find them. The results are meaningless. The journey and complete disrespect for authority and decency are our rewards.

Don't worry about any poo-bags, smoking, drinking, farting, cutting yourself with a pocketknife or lycantrhropy--This trip isn't about our passing judgment on each other. We gotta be united. If we eat enough peyote and take blood oaths, nothing can stop us.

We have a roll call now -

Mudflap
Lazlo Keith
Dirty Harry - This man is a genius and we're lucky to have him along
Con 40 or Hal - We need to find him a nickname that does him justice
Wolfbear Sh!tbag - Our elegant elder statesman.
Highend - Maybe our captain if his wife gives him clearance
Toppsgun - Even the grinch just wants to be one of the fellas. He's our Texas point-man and overall security officer.

All we need now is a date. Check your calendars. Mudflap has August to October. I'm good whenever. I can't wait for the smell of ten guys not showering for a month and eating convenience store burritos.

S.

Basilone

Scumbi-

Bro...you comin to Cleveland this summer for the National? I'm guessing that you would be the toast of the luncheon.

John B.

toppsgun

I'm like the old joke about three dudes wagering who can stay longest in the pick sty. After 24 hours, the first guy leaves. At 48 hours, the second guy runs out gasping for air. After 36 hours, the pigs leave.

None of you would put up with me for a long road trip.